pardon my dust, please

HERE'S TO FOUR YEARS

2011-11-18T13:59:00.001-08:00

I was pleasantly surprised today when I looked at the date of my first post on this blog and realized it was exactly four years ago. Thinking back, my heart is full of gratitude. God has indeed brought me a far ways from where I was back then.

Today, I can confidently say that I have walked through the valley to the other side. One of the clear indications that I have recovered from burnout is that my heart feels like it is ever expanding these days. I meet people, hear about friends' situations or read the news, and find that each story finds a place in my heart - that I want to pray for these people and wrap the love of Jesus around them. Four years ago, my heart felt shriveled up and hard like a rock. I could not see anything beyond myself.

I have been asked what components played a part in my recovery. Similar to the causes of burnout, the recovery process also consisted of a mixture of factors. A major one was having supportive family and friends around me. My parents graciously took me back into their home for over a half a year when I was in the most acute distress. They made sure I ate well, slept lots and had minimal social engagements. They also drove me to see my counselor, who was another major factor in my recovery. For a number of months, one of my best friends and I would meet regularly and we went through the "Be Transformed" workbook by Scope Ministries. This study, along with her companionship, helped to establish biblical and truthful views of myself. Many of the books I read were also helpful in giving me ways of understanding myself and teaching me the value of rest.

Taking a year of stress leave from work was key. It released me from the daily demands of work and allowed me to focus on getting back on my feet. Attending a church where I was unknown gave me a safe place to interact with God without feeling obligated to update people on how my ministry went or even engage in small talk that was draining for me.

It was also a huge help to me that my boyfriend/fiance (now husband) was extremely supportive and patient with me. And that those who knew my situation prayed for me.

Above all though, I think what was most healing in my recovery process was the element of time. It was not easy to wait for things to get better. And I still cannot say I'm back to the same energy levels as I had pre-burnout. But time has given me new perspective. As I have lived this new "normal," I have come to realize that I can accept my limits better now and that God can still use me even if I don't live up to what I think I need to be.

So thank God with me, will you? For His faithfulness, gentleness and persistence; for His redemptive work and mysterious ways. For four long and full years on the road towards wholeness, maturity and Life!

WHAT CAUSED THE BURNOUT?

2011-11-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

I've often been asked what I think was the cause of my burnout. My answer: it's complex. There were many factors that came into play and I can't give you a simple "It was this" kind of an answer. But I can trace a few threads that interwove to get me to the point of burning out.

At the deepest level, I think a foundational cause of my burnout was the disbelief that God truly loved me unconditionally. Something in me thought that I needed to do a certain thing or be a certain way before God could love me. And so I had a difficult time resting or simply being (I'm still learning and growing in this area). I would look for the approval of others to affirm that I really was loved.

Another factor that contributed to burnout was a long history of over-involvement and extreme busyness. By the time I identified that I was burnt out, I had a track record of about 14 years of high-paced living. Late nights, early mornings, school, church, campus groups, ballet, piano... I demanded excellence of myself in all these areas. And I equated productivity with a life well lived.

On top of these factors, in the three years immediately preceding my final breakdown, I was involved in work that was completely incongruent with who I was wired to be. This was due to a combination of a lack of knowledge of myself and an inability to accept certain aspects of myself. The job I was working required me to take a lot of initiative with people, constantly be around people, and be part of a team that included several extreme extroverts. I had trouble accepting that I was an extreme introvert, that I needed more quietness than the average person and that solitude and contemplation were lifelines for me. I also did not have ample opportunity to develop my creative side or express myself through the arts, which resulted in a piece of my soul withering up over time. I ended up moving "homes" a lot during that period as well, which was not helpful for someone who needed stability to flourish.

There are probably more factors that led to my burnout, but these are a few of the major ones I have been able to identify so far.

SAVOURING THE DAY

2011-08-25T15:11:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I was on a red-eye flight from Honolulu to Bellingham and I sat beside a lady who was travelling with three young children (ages 2, 4 and 6). As the plane was getting ready to take off, she took out a large bag of chips and three smaller sandwich bags. She then proceeded to divide the chips among the three bags - one for each of her children - their in-flight entertainment, so to speak.

As the plane took off, she looked over her kids happily munching away and said to them, "Eat the chips slowly now. That's all you're getting for the next while so be sure to enjoy them and savour them."

I think it was the first time I'd ever heard a parent tell her children to savour something. I was deeply inspired.

I'm "in limbo" in several areas of my life these days and being in the midst of all the unknowns and uncertainties has propelled me to a place of simply living as each day comes. I think it's actually a good thing that I cannot live in the future (or the past, really) because I can approach each day with openness and savour each day.

I picture God handing me a baggie full of chips and encouraging me, "Eat them slowly now. Remember to savour each chip!"

A SONG FOR MY FRIENDS

2011-07-09T15:52:00.001-07:00

I was recently introduced to this song written by my favourite musician/singer. It speaks to a deep part of me. I wanted to pass it on and bless you with it as well. It's particularly meaningful for women, but I suspect the message would still speak to men in some way.

DIGGING FOR ROOTS

2011-07-04T17:31:00.003-07:00

I've heard it said before that the path to Christian maturity is really about one thing. What that thing is is different for each person, but we all have something that comes up again and again; something that mutates and reappears in forms that are at first unrecognizable perhaps but upon further investigation prove to be "that thing" we thought we'd dealt with already. I don't know if I just have one thing, but I do know I have at least a couple things that come up with alarming regularity.

One of those "things" for me is the attachment of my value to my perceived productivity. What do I mean? Well here's a recent example. A few weeks ago over dinner, my husband bravely asked me if I was afraid about how tired I would feel after the baby is born. As soon as I heard his question, tears sprang up into my eyes (and it wasn't just because of pregnancy hormones). I knew his question had touched on something deep that I was reluctant to look at. I told him that yes, I was afraid of becoming super tired again. He wisely suggested that I might do well to process through why I had this fear and to address it before the baby arrived. I didn't know how to go about facing this so before bed that night, I simply offered the question up to God and told him He'd have to help me work through it.

Surprisingly, I had a dream that very night that spoke to my request. In my dream, a friend of mine was driving me to an appointment. She was driving very carefully and slowly and I kept telling her to hurry up. She also didn't know the area so I was giving her directions. All of a sudden, she decided to take a right turn even though I hadn't told her to. That turn took us on a detour through a construction site that required her to drive even more slowly and carefully. My impatience and frustration were at excruciating levels but because she was my friend, I didn't yell at her. I don't remember the end of my dream but I think I eventually made it to my destination.

As I sat with the dream and asked Jesus to help me make sense of it the next day, I saw that when I feel tired, the same emotions of impatience and frustration rise up in me. It's like someone else has control of the vehicle and everything slows down. I saw too that behind those emotions was a desire to control my life - to make sure things were done my way or done, period. Tracing down to the root of all this, I arrived at the shocking conclusion that the reason I wanted things done or done my way was because if things weren't done or done "correctly," I felt less valuable! So here I had this fear of tiredness that was really a masquerade for a false belief that my worth was attached to my performance.

As I've continued this journey to the other side of burnout, I'm learning that some of the root beliefs that affect my behaviour are deeper than I realize. And I pray that in His grace, God would continue to expose these rotting roots and help me establish healthy ones in their place.

TAKING TIME TO PAUSE

2011-07-02T17:31:00.001-07:00

I started reading "Seven Sacred Pauses" by Macrina Wiederkehr this past week. Its subtitle is "Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day." I've been pleasantly surprised by it.

From what I gather, Macrina lives the monastic life, but her writing is such that it makes the Benedictine concepts of pausing for prayer seven times a day very accessible to the average working person. She explains the tradition of praying at each of the times: in the middle of the night, at daybreak, at mid-morning, at noon, in the mid-afternoon, in the evening and at bedtime and highlights the themes from each of the "hours." She also includes prayer suggestions and thoughts to meditate on.

What I love most about this book is that her idea of pausing in the midst of work - to remember who I am; to remember Whose I am - instills a real sense of sacredness and dignity to my everyday comings and goings. The practice of pausing, if even for a moment, has a way of bringing me back to being and it reminds me of God's accompaniment with me throughout the day.

My favourite quote from the book so far is this. I'll leave it with you to ponder:
"Work is love made visible"
- Khalil Gibran (quoted by Macrina Wiederkehr)

INNER AUTHORITY

2011-05-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

A good friend and I had a conversation recently about how sometimes we feel like we need others to give us permission to take care of ourselves. I know that before I burned out, this was more often than not the case. Somehow, I felt like unless someone else told me I could have some time off or time alone, I couldn't justify doing it.

Within our conversation, the phrase, "Inner Authority" came to my mind. I realized that in order to be fully mature and healthy, I needed to have an appropriate sense of inner authority. As I thought about Jesus, I saw that that was what he most definitely had. Because he knew who he was and whose he was, he was able to act rightly in every situation. He was free to eat with whomever he wanted to, free to sleep on the boat in the middle of a storm, free to turn over the tables at the temple, and ultimately, free to be betrayed and crucified.

As I grow in my knowledge and union with Christ, I want more of his inner authority. This is my prayer for myself as well as for all those who struggle with looking to others for permission to live fully.

IS IT OK TO DISAPPOINT GOD?

2011-04-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have been pondering Peter and Jesus' exchange when they walked on water in the middle of the storm. Someone recently asked me whether I would rather stay in the boat like most of the disciples or risk it like Peter. Would I want to step out onto the waves, start sinking and have Jesus disappointed in my small faith? The deepest part of me says I want to risk it. Every time. Because even if I sank, I would never forget the strength of Jesus' grip when He bails me out. But the part about disappointing God makes me hesitate.

Why is disappointing God something to be avoided? Why do we think it's a bad thing for Him to reprimand us? Disappointment seems to be a natural part of relationships between two persons. If disappointment comes because our hopes for another person are not met, then for God to be disappointed in us it would mean that He has hopes for us. That's not so bad, is it? (Side note: While oftentimes we associate disappointment with unmet expectations, I think there's a difference between expectation and hope. When it comes to God's view of us, I think He views us with hope rather than expectation. I don't think He requires us to do or be anything other than what we are, but He does long for us to be more than what we are.)

Maturity in Christ looks like this to me: that I live ever more fully in my own reality, acknowledging and taking ownership of my feelings, thoughts and actions while giving freedom for others (people or God) to be who they are. If my small faith is all that I have at the moment, wouldn't recognizing the reality of my condition be a positive thing rather than a negative thing? And for God to express His disappointment would mean that He is His own person and does not need to cater to my ego. For me not to be afraid of His disappointment would mean that I am accepting of His personhood that is distinct from mine.

I think that perhaps we link others' disappointment in us too closely with our worth as individuals. When I think about God's relationship with us, He doesn't get flustered if we are disappointed with Him. He just is who He is. Some might argue and say that God doesn't need our approval to know His worth. That's true. But don't we already have God's full approval? Hasn't He already demonstrated that He loves us unconditionally? Hasn't He also promised us that He will never abandon us? So what are we so afraid of?

A SIGNIFICANT PLACE

2011-03-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

This week, I handed in my final paper for the two year Center for Spiritual Formation program. Going through it has been one of the biggest blessings in my life so far. It began nearly two years ago with an 8-day intensive at Rivendell, a retreat center on Bowen Island. Tomorrow, I will head to Rivendell again. This time it will be with just one friend. And it will only be for two nights.

I have had a rather hairy and hectic life these past three weeks so I am grateful for some time to slow down and be away from the rigours of daily life. I look forward to the silence and the solitude. I look forward to catching up on some sleep and journalling my little heart out. I'm also bringing a small jigsaw puzzle with me to do there because it will help me to relax.

Going back to Rivendell at this particular time is significant to me. I like how it bookends my Center for Spiritual Formation experience. I am praying though that this rain would kindly go somewhere else for the three days ahead. But even if it doesn't, it's not like I'll be puzzling outside anyway. ;)

WOMEN AND SELF-CONTEMPT

2011-02-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

I know there are both men and women who read this blog, but this post will be particularly about women. (Men, you are more than welcome to read it. It might, in fact, help you understand the mystery called women just a little better.)

I recently finished reading a book called Holy Listening by Margaret Guenther. She is a spiritual director in New York city and in the last chapter of the book, she addressed spiritual direction and women in particular. I appreciated her insights.

Many of the people I know who have walked through burnout have been women. I wonder if this insight from Guenther has something to do with it. She wrote:

The time I have spent listening to women's stories, however, has convinced me that there are distinctly feminine patterns of sinfulness... Women's distinctive sin is self-contempt. ...It is important not to minimize the sin of self-hatred and self-contempt. It is a sin, for at its heart is a denial of God’s love and the goodness of God’s creation. Pride plays a part after all, for the women discounts herself as part of creation and assumes that the rules of divine love do not apply to her. That love is there for everyone else, but not for her (pp. 128, 130; emphasis added).

I can identify this tendency in myself. This basic unbelief that God loves me as much as He loves everyone else in the world. And I know that for me, this unbelief led to some destructive life-patterns that contributed to my burnout. I know I stand guilty of the sin of self-contempt. And it is both embarrassing and freeing to have this called out so clearly.

QUESTION MARKS CAN BE HEAVY THINGS

2011-02-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

I have a few important questions these days that God is taking His time in answering. I feel like each day I'm walking around carrying question marks around. And with each minute that passes they seem to be growing in weight.

My spiritual director suggested to me that the act of waiting could perhaps be a form of praying. If that is so, maybe carrying around these heavy question marks can be my prayer for the time being.

RICHES OF DARKNESS AND THE IDOL OF CERTITUDE

2011-01-31T16:32:00.000-08:00

And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—
      secret riches.
   I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,
      the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.
~ Isaiah 45:3 (emphasis added)

Last night at church, our guest speaker, Stephen Lungu, shared his dramatic story along with four "D"s that God uses to discipline us. I was encouraged both by his story and his observation of how God hones us toward holiness.

The four "D"s of God's discipline according to Stephen Lungu:

Darkness. God often brings us into times of darkness and possibly chaos and confusion. But He also promises us that those times contain riches we could not see otherwise (Isaiah 45:3).
Delay. God sometimes purposely makes us wait.
Discrimination. Sometimes God will seem to bless everyone around us except us. He does this so that we learn to bless Him even when He blesses others. And sometimes as He blesses others, their blessings overflow into our lives.
Discomfort. Similar to how God brought Elijah to the brook of Cherith and then dried up the brook so that Elijah would go to the widow's place, He will sometimes bring us discomfort so that we learn to go and bless others.

God also showed me during the service that I had been holding on to the idol of certitude. I had been wanting so desperately to know the answers to some of the unresolved questions in my life that I had been spending inordinate amounts of physical and mental energy pursuing those answers. And I did this at the cost of being able to relax into God's love for me. Somehow, it was knowing that God uses Darkness, Delay, Discrimination and Discomfort that helped me leave the need to be certain on the altar and hold only to Jesus again.

GLIMMERS OF INSPIRATION

2011-01-25T19:24:00.000-08:00

There are two women whom I have come to love dearly and who inspire me greatly. The first is one of my professors at the Center of Spiritual Formation, the second, is my spiritual director. They both have a gentleness and an attentiveness to God that is so rare. After every conversation with them, I leave with the feeling, "I want to be like her!" That's probably because they're so like Jesus.

Over the course of last week, I had the pleasure of seeing both of them. Not surprisingly, they each gave me a piece of inspiration. These little nuggets of truth and beauty deserve to be shared. So, my friends, here they are. I pray that you would be blessed.

Inspirational vignette #1 (original source was from a novel my professor had read):
In the Old Testament, we are told that no one can look at the face of God and live. Instead, we can only see His back after He has passed us. Perhaps this refers to the passage of time. So often, when we are in the midst of a set of circumstances, we cannot see where God is. But when we look back in time, we are able to say, "There He was."

Inspirational vignette #2 (original source was from my spiritual director's friend):
This image came to a woman who was in a season of deep darkness. She imagined herself on the brink of a large and cavernous pit, about to fall in. She was terrified of falling in and disappearing into the blackness. As she prayed, she felt God saying to her, "What you see as despair, I see as opportunity. The larger the hole, the more room there is for me to pour out my love."

How very beautiful.

DAILY BREAD

2011-01-17T17:51:00.000-08:00

I once heard a speaker explain the Lord's prayer in context of the passage that followed it. Jesus continued his message on prayer by going on to tell the story of a neighbour who came knocking at midnight, asking for bread. And the speaker said our petition for daily bread is not only for us, but so that we can have bread to offer our neighbour as well.

Last weekend, I had a bit of a what I'll call a "daily bread" experience. Tim and I were incredibly, disgustingly sick with a nasty cold and my brother-in-law was arriving back from his trip to Asia on that Sunday. On his way over to our place to pick up his car (which we had borrowed), he called us. He was jetlagged. And sick. And his fridge was empty. Would we have any food to spare?

As I looked around our kitchen, I was overjoyed that I had made a huge pot of stew a few days before, not realizing that I would now be sick and have a sick brother to feed. I happily (and somewhat groggily) packed him some stew, a couple cans of chicken noodle soup, and half a loaf of bread. There, I thought, that should last him at least until he was well enough to get his own groceries.

I didn't make it to church that Sunday, but I had my own worship experience in my kitchen. God had obviously provided my daily bread. Not just for me, but for my brother-in-law as well. And in the midst of my poverty, I discovered that I still had enough to give.

RE-THINKING MISSIONS

2010-12-15T19:35:00.000-08:00

Working for and being married to someone who works for a missions organization has often felt like a conundrum these last few years. How can I actively participate in sharing the gospel with others when I need so much time at home, alone? I have felt the tension of wanting to go on missions trips (and perhaps even being expected to by some people) and not knowing if I have the capacity to do well on one.

In November, we were at a conference in Toronto for Tim's ministry and I began to wonder whether I should try the one-week project being offered this coming March. The familiar thoughts went through my head, "You need to take a step of faith." "You won't experience God until you take a risk." "There are lost souls waiting for you that only you with your particular set of giftings can reach." I held the question out before the Lord.

A few days later, I found myself breaking down, exhausted and spent from visiting with friends and family. I certainly was not thriving there - and I was only halfway through the week! I plucked up the courage to revisit my question about the mission trip. If I could barely handle spending a week with people I knew, in a familiar city, speaking my first language, why would I think I could thrive on a mission project? Then I realized that maybe God had other plans for me. Maybe "missions" for me did not mean going out there. Maybe God could use me just as much (possibly more?) when I was in the environment where I thrived best - at home.

It's an exercise in humility for me to admit my limits and open myself to the possibility that God can work within them. For sure, I still believe God is able to and may possibly call me to move beyond my natural limits. But that would be an exception.

For now, I am choosing to be thankful for the relationships I have with my neighbours. And I'm asking God how I can live His gospel faithfully while I stay put.

3 YEARS OF DYING & LIVING

2010-12-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

Three years ago today, I boarded what I will remember as my "rescue flight" and headed back to Canada after burning out in Asia. I was considering closing this blog to commemorate the occasion but as I thought about it, I realized I still have content for a few more posts. So I won't close it for now. Instead, I will write.

I have died the same deaths many times in the last few years. My need for achievement, my perfectionist tendencies, the way I keep pushing myself to exhaustion; these old ways of striving have all had to die - over and over and over and over. And even today, I cannot say they are dead. Like a trick candle, the flame keeps flickering back. And I suspect it will continue - for a while yet.

But just as much as I have died, I have also lived. I have encountered grace in those moments of weakness. I have experienced love in its limitlessness each time I have caught myself relentlessly straining, and being all spent, flopped back onto Jesus' lap to rest my head on his chest.

I am learning that it's okay to have this embarrassing trick candle on my cake. It's part of who I am. And I suspect it's one of those things that draws out God's affection for me. Like he's grinning at me and saying, "Oh, Olive..."

FOR THOSE WHO FEEL PULLED IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

2010-10-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

Part of life after burn-out for me has been living with the tension of my desire for productivity and interaction with the world and my need for stillness, solitude and silence. Back in May, there was one week in particular where that tension was acute and I was at my wit's end.

Then one night, I had a dream. In my dream, I was in a highrise, a good number of floors up. On both sides of me were walls. And I was trying to hold on, arms and legs outstretched, wedging myself between the surfaces so that I would not fall. For some reason, it wasn't enough that I had to keep myself suspended high above the ground - I also had to try to move forward and catch someone in front of me. So there I was, trying to hold myself together, trying to move ahead.

All of a sudden, something inside of me changed and I decided I was done with trying to maneuver myself between these two walls. I let go.

And then I fell.

And fell.

And fell.

And surprisingly, I didn't wake up from the dream. Instead, I found myself caught in a soft, cushiony net. As I lay there, I grinned. I never had to try to hold on in the first place!

This was a life of grace.

IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS?!

2010-09-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

To my dear blog readers, I am sorry I haven't been posting lately. I guess I haven't felt like I've had much to say.

There is one thing I will say today though. What I've learned through this intense summer and trying to re-figure out what a good routine is for the fall: when I feel like I want to escape my life, it is time to pull back and rest more.

TODAY'S TO-DO

2010-07-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

Feeling overwhelmed at what was on my list the other day, I asked God what was on His to-do list. With a universe to run, I suspected it might be quite long.

I was surprised by His answer.

His list consisted of one item only: LOVE.

TAKING A DEEP BREATH

2010-06-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

Thinking about all that's about to happen this summer, I can easily feel overwhelmed. The list includes attending a wedding, participating in another wedding, running the whole day for my sister-in-law's wedding, a week of work conferences, keeping up with my studies, a couple of jack and jill parties, trying to expand our financial partnership team, hosting my parents, hosting a couple friends, and our quarterly evaluation/dreaming day... and that's just July! August entices us with a two-week family holiday to Europe (thankfully most of the planning is done for that already).

As I journalled about my apprehension regarding these coming two months, I was gently reminded to live by faith instead of fear. Later in the evening, as I was reading, I came across these words:

If we approach life from a stance of scarcity, then we will worry that we won't get our share and will do all we can to acquire whatever we think is necessary to secure our future. If we believe that there is an abundance, then we will be more ready to share and will not be desperate to stockpile goods or love of whatever for ourselves. (Joy in Divine Wisdom, Marva J. Dawn, p. 140).

I felt like God was challenging my basic assumptions about my energy. It was easy for me to think in terms of abundance when I needed to make decisions involving my possessions and money. But when it came to energy, I realized I was living out of scarcity. I kept thinking I needed to protect my time and energy. I was, to an extent, hoarding what I thought I had.

The freedom of the gospel meant that Jesus was (and is) my source for everything - energy included. I still needed to exercise discernment, but I could do so without fear. I could look at the list ahead of me and welcome it all with an open heart, knowing that God would take me for a ride and trusting that if it ever became too much, He would arrange for a break for me.

As I talked this over with my spiritual director today, she offered me these words, "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25). This will be the prayer that I will hold on to in these next two months.

I'm taking a deep breath and diving in!

HEALER

2010-06-15T15:23:00.000-07:00

I had another friend come by to visit me today. I bumped into her on my walk this morning and she's kept me company since.

This morning I went for a stroll, desperate to see or hear from God. I just wanted something, anything, to let me know that I wasn't in the fog alone. As I walked, raindrops began to fall. What's with this, Lord? I questioned. It had been sunny a mere hour ago. Why did it have to rain now, when I was so exposed to the elements and I already felt crummy inside? I felt like God was mocking me.

Still, I pressed on. My footsteps fell to the rhythm of "Lord-have-mer-cy, Christ-have-mer-cy." I was heading toward my place of solace - the Japanese Garden in our neighbourhood.

I arrived at the garden and stood by a tree, taking in the small waterfall, the rocks and remembering the vibrantly coloured spring flowers that were now gone. I watched as the raindrops hit the pond, causing circles of ripples to expand and intersect with each other. The raindrops were falling closer and closer together. Apparently the cloud overhead needed to unload right then. Pretty soon the ripples were indistinguishable. In their place, a very agitated pond surface. I felt dismayed. But as I looked, it seemed to me as if the raindrops were dancing. Someone had choreographed their landing patterns. And I happened to be there to witness their dance. Soon, the dance was over and the overlapping circles of ripples returned. It was time for me to walk back toward home.

Interestingly, as I observed myself walking away, I realized that my soul was now at peace. I paused to smell the jasmine blossoms and even laughed as a crow very vocally followed me along a hundred feet or so.

It was as if God cried for me at the garden. His tears fell on behalf of my pain. And I, sheltered by a tree, had watched them fall all around me. No words had been exchanged. No words were needed.

My friend, Beauty, had shown her face. And my soul understood.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME

2010-05-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

Where is the light in my soul?
I'm looking but I just can't see it.
Once upon a time You said it was there.
Would You still speak?

"There is a light in your soul.
Only with eyes of love can you see it.
Be still, my child, and listen.
Do you not hear it sing?"

MY ORBIT

2010-05-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have been wrestling with the question of how I can ever have any impact on the world. If I am created to thrive best in a semi-hermitic lifestyle, how can I make any difference in the lives of others? If I am constantly "journeying inward", what does my journey "outward" look like? Is a journey outward even possible for one like me?

I recently brought these questions to God, feeling anxious and sad that I was not more of an extravert. I was surprised at the metaphor I was given in response: Picture the Moon that orbits the Earth. The Moon does not occupy itself with travelling around the Sun, and yet, because it stays on track with the Earth, at the end of a year, it has also made it around the Sun. In the same way, I am to be like a moon, with a sole task of sticking close to Jesus. The outward flow of my life will happen naturally. I don't need to contrive it. He will ensure that it will happen.

This, I think, is what He meant when He said "Keep company with me, and you will live freely and lightly" (Matthew 11:29, The Message).

HOW TO GROW AN OLIVE TREE

2010-05-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

You know how when you go to a garden center, each plant has a small white plastic tab stuck in the soil telling you the ideal growing conditions for that particular species? It occurred to me the other day that I'm in the process of learning to read what's written on my little white plastic tab.

So far, I think my growing instructions would include:

Water frequently, wilts quickly
Needs lots of silence
Leave ample room between encounters with others
Give space for creativity
Plant in a sunny location
Do not try to transplant too often, has deep roots
Fertilize regularly with doses of beauty, meaningful conversation and extended times of reflection

A few weeks ago, during a particularly difficult week, I think I finally moved one step closer to accepting my need for adequate rest, solitude, silence and stillness. These things are part of my particular make-up. I am learning to embrace this as what God has deemed "very good." I think I am starting to agree with God on what this Olive plant needs to thrive, blossom and eventually bear fruit.

(un)EXPECTED VISITOR

2010-04-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have a friend. I haven't seen her for a while now. She tends to come and go as she pleases. Once in a while, she will drop in, stay a while and leave when she thinks she's kept me company for long enough. Whenever she's around, my days need to be re-organized. Hers is a quiet sort of demanding.

Most people don't understand her. And most of the time, if I'm honest, neither do I. Most people are also afraid of her. I don't think that I am anymore. But if I was, it would only be the slightest amount. You see, she's quite gentle. Her footsteps are light. So light, in fact, that I usually don't notice her arrival until she's settled comfortably in my home. That's how she arrived this time, anyway. Perhaps it's her unpredictability and mysteriousness that frightens people.

She has her reasons for visiting, I know. I actually think she has a direct line to God and He's the one who usually tells her when to come. Some people see her as an unwelcome intruder, and some days when she's around, I think so too. But she never comes without at least a few gifts for me. So I'm learning not to resist her presence.

When she's around, my capacity for working is diminished; I need more sleep and I have trouble concentrating on certain tasks. This means that I need to be mindful of my energy and be careful in what I choose to do or not do. It also means that I am brought face to face with my limitations and weaknesses, which makes me re-examine where my identity and value lie. These are some of the gifts she brings.

When she's around, I also feel a certain pervasive sadness. This means I need to find what is life-giving and make space for those things. I cry more easily. The sadness is one way she helps me to enter into the grief of the world. I might feel alone, but in actuality, I am sharing in the experience of humanity. Her presence means that I must make room for rest and renewal. She invites me to press closer into the bosom of Christ, who is the God of all comfort. These, too, are the gifts she brings.

The greatest gift from her, I think, is humility. She humbles me like nothing else. From her, I am reminded that my limited capacity is not only a good thing, it's perfect. And that my value comes from being a beloved creature of the Creator.

What is her name, you might ask? Some call her Depression. But today, I'd like you to meet my friend.

NOTES FROM MY COUNSELLOR

2010-03-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning out my desk tonight and came across a couple sticky-notes from my counselling appointments when I was still figuring out how to cope with my limited energy and planning a move across the country as well as a wedding. Since I have no where else to put the notes, I'll just type them up here and maybe it'll be helpful to someone.

Concern #1: How will moving across the country affect me?

there are three elements to settling into a new place: recovery, adjusting and re-investing

Concern #2: How do I survive the wedding?

get as much rest as possible before the wedding
the rehearsal dinner might be challenging; figure out a contingency plan for me to leave early (also for family/out-of-town dinner after the ceremony)
be seated for the receiving line?

Concern #3: What about the honeymoon?

there is a recovery phase we have to allow for when capacity will be minimal; plan for lots of rest

Concern #4: How do I know I'm ready to go back to work? How can I think about this in small steps?

practice musing: a non-pressured, no deadline type of thinking about the future
ask myself: what captures my heart?
take steps to build my confidence; eg, try specific projects or experiences rather than take on entire roles

And one final thought: there are two types of encouragement, one is from the side and one is from out front. The more helpful kind is the side-by-side kind.

IN THE NAME OF NOBILITY

2010-02-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

I have been thoroughly enjoying "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer. It is a book about finding one's true vocation through listening to one's own life and personhood.

I especially appreciated his insights about depression and burnout. It's so good that I wanted to share it with you! To give some context for the following quote, Palmer has been telling the story of an opportunity he had to be a president of a school. As he and his trusted friends gathered to discern whether he should take it, it emerged rather humourously that his motive for taking the position was only to get his name in the paper.

The ecological theory of life, the theory of limits, works wonderfully well with situations like this: my nature makes me unfit to be president of anything, and therefore - if I stay true to what I know about myself - I will die having avoided a fate that for me would be worse than death.

But what happens to the theory of limits when what I want to do is not to get my picture in the paper but to meet some human need? What happens to that theory when my vocational motive is virtous: to be a teacher from whom students can learn or a counselor who helps people find themselves or an activist who sets injustice right?... There are some things I "ought" to do or be that are simply beyond my reach. If I try to be or do something noble that has nothing to do with who I am, I may look good to others and to myself for a while. But the fact that I am exceeding my limits will eventually have consequences. ...

One sign that I am violating my own nature in the name of nobility is a condition called burnout. Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess - the ultimate in giving too little! Burnout is a state of emptiness, to be sure, but it does not result from giving all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place. (pp. 46, 47, 49, italics mine)

I have been thinking about the idea that burnout and depression are really two forms of identity crises. Reading Palmer's thoughts sways me further toward that conclusion.

MY FIRST AND GREATEST TASK

2010-02-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

My first and greatest task these days is to know myself as deeply and completely loved by the Trinity.

I used to think that I was here to change the world; that the greater impact I had for Christ, the greater the glory God would get. I have since learned that the path to greatest glory for God would be that I lived my life in obedience to Him; that I fully lived out my true self-in-Christ. Whether my life impacts millions or whether it impacts one, that is up to God. If He chooses to raise me up, or if He chooses to keep me unknown, it is in His wisdom.

So my ambition now is to know Him who beckons me so that I may respond to His desires for me. This approach releases me from the pressure to make my life count for something. Because if I am being attentive and obedient, my life could not count for more - no matter what else I did.

HOW GRACE AND WORK FIT TOGETHER

2010-02-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

For a long time, I had wondered about the relationship between grace and work. If it's all by grace, what is the point of working hard?

Yesterday, I heard the answer:

Grace is not opposed to effort,
grace is opposed to earning.
~Ken Shigematsu quoting Dallas Willard

Thus, instead of being a means of earning God's favour, my hard work becomes a means of experiencing God's grace. Knowing this gives me great motivation to give my best to whatever God's called me to. And it calms my fears that putting in more effort will cut me off from grace. It is not an either/or situation, it's a both/and situation. Grace and effort do co-exist. It's grace and earning that don't.

EXTRAVAGANT

2010-01-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

[edit: I just realized I already posted this on my other blog. Oops! Oh well... :) ]

Back in December, work pressure had been slowly building up and I'd found myself fighting to see myself as valuable apart from my work. One such morning, I sat there desperate before the Lord. I prayed that He would help me see myself as He saw me.

I was surprised when the text that came to mind was Matthew 13:44, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." What did that have to do with my question? I wondered.

As I sat there with the text, it suddenly made sense. I had always taken the verse to mean that we are to be like the man who sells it all for the joy of finding the gospel. I suddenly realized that the man in the story is not us. The man in the story is God! We are the treasure that He finds and gives up everything to acquire! The parable was about God and His heart towards us! We are the field that He sees the value hidden in and He already gave everything He had in order to buy us.

It makes me think about my response as one who claims to follow Him. Do I look at each person I encounter and see their hidden treasure? Would I pull out all the stops to let these people know how valuable they are?

I am God's treasure. How amazing is that?!

SEEKING A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE

2010-01-25T16:38:00.000-08:00

Something I've noticed in myself and as I've chatted with various people who've gone through the burnout process is that quite often, a person will want to find new ways of experiencing and relating to God. Their relationship to God becomes part and parcel of the complete overhaul that is happening in the rest of their life.

In my own journey these past two plus years, I've come across some very life-giving practices in the areas of prayer and scripture reading. I'll be the first to admit that I am a complete novice at this and I've only just begun to dip my toe in the ocean. But I'll share a few favourites from what I have learned so far in hopes that maybe one of these approaches would be of help to a fellow journeyer along the path towards encountering Christ. You may notice differences between these practices I am going to list and those of the "normal" evangelical tradition: the prayer doesn't necessarily involve speaking to God and the scripture reading engages the imagination.

Centering Prayer: This has become a beloved practice to me as many times it's helped still the incessant chatter in my soul and mind (it is also sometimes called a breath prayer). Start by sitting in a comfortable chair, close your eyes, let your body relax and notice your breathing. Choose a word or phrase that you associate with calmness to "center" yourself upon (eg, Jesus, peace) - personally I've been using the phrase "Be still". In rhythm of your inhale and exhale, think of your word or phrase - so in my case, inhale would correspond to "be" and exhale would correspond to "still". As you fall into the rhythm of your breathing, picture yourself in a serene place and become attentive to the love of God surrounding you. A helpful image for me has been to picture myself as a rock with the stream of God's love flowing all around me. If distracting thoughts arise (which they will!), simply let them go (I picture them floating by on little leaves) and come back to your word/phrase. The "goal" of this prayer is for your soul to become quiet and aware of the presence and love of God around you.

Imaginative reading: This practice is wonderful especially for getting to know Jesus in the gospels. The idea behind this is that just as friends get to know each other through shared experiences, we can get to know Jesus by sharing experiences with him through our imagination. Pick a passage, read it slowly, and read it as many times as you want. As you read, picture yourself in the scene. Notice Jesus - his tone of voice, his body language, his responses. Notice those around you. Notice yourself - who are you in the scene? what are you feeling? what do you learn about yourself? about Jesus?

Lighting a candle: The gesture of lighting a candle and acknowledging the light of Christ with you is a simple way of reminding yourself visually that God is with you as you spend time with Him. Personally, I have created a space for myself consisting of a comfortable chair, and next to it a small table on which is a nice looking tablecloth, a candle and a green plant. I often keep my bible and journal on this table as well. This is my "quiet place" where I go to to reconnect with the love of God most mornings.

Since burning out, my former habit of very structured bible reading and prayer times has pretty much gone out the window. In its place, my times with God have become more organic and engage deeper parts of myself. I still think there is a place for disciplined times with the Lord, but I also believe that for those in this season of recovery, less is really more.

TWO YEARS AND COUNTING

2009-12-13T22:00:00.000-08:00

Today is a significant anniversary. December 13th 2007 was the day I boarded a plane, said a teary goodbye to my life in Asia and entered into the chapter of my life called Burnout Recovery.

Much has happened in these two years; most of it being internal. I won't list them all today (I'll save that for another post) but I will say that the one change I'm most grateful for is that now, two years later, I am starting to have moments were I can be totally at rest in the presence and love of God.

Happy two years to me. =)

THINGS THAT GIVE ME REST

2009-11-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

"What do you find restful?" is another question that I am commonly asked. I thought it might be good to write them down here since many people, in the journey of taking better care of themselves, often wonder what might give them rest. Keep in mind that this list is coming from someone who is highly introverted.

sleeping in
waking up naturally without an alarm
napping (sleep is important to me, can you tell??)
painting
reading novels
unhurried times with the Lord
journalling
doing jigsaw puzzles
painting my nails (or, as Tim calls it "fuming up the house")
making myself a special cup of tea
spending time with my husband
watching funny movies
singing
staying home for a day
dancing by myself in the living room when no one's home
wearing comfy clothes
silence
warm showers
not cooking (this is part of our Sabbath practice; we put it in our budget to eat out that day)
walking somewhere instead of driving
lighting candles and watching them flicker
keeping my computer off for the day (this is also part of my Sabbath practice)
playing board games with my husband
reading Calvin and Hobbes

Some of these things (like jigsaw puzzles) I enjoyed as a child but over the years had slowly forgotten about. Figuring out what gives me rest has been and continues to be a process for me but the Lord is faithful in helping me understand myself better.

RACING MY TEARS

2009-10-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

I can tell when I'm starting to wear thin these days when I get all weepy by nighttime. Some days, I can feel the tears threatening to break through and I play a little game with them. I try to get ready for bed and drift off to sleep before the tears trickle out. Most of the time when I play this game, I lose. But once in a while I win. By morning, after a good night's rest, the tears have hidden themselves away again, until the next time I get too tired.

CHURCH

2009-10-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

I am learning that there are some days when communing with God looks like a few extra hours of sleep and taking my time with my journal and a cup of tea. And this on a Sunday morning.

Since burning out, I've explored the idea of Sabbath more seriously. What does Sabbath look like for me? What gives me rest and restores my soul? After a week full of activity, people, prayer, service and communion with others, my need for time alone was greater than my need for being at church. And so I gave myself permission to stay home with the Lord.

There was a time when this would have been inconceivable.

I am learning to be kinder to myself.

FITS AND STARTS

2009-10-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

For Thanksgiving this year, Tim and I took an extended long weekend getaway and borrowed a friend's cabin on the Sunshine Coast of BC. We spent the bulk of Saturday in silence and solitude, each taking the day to be with and hear from God. It wasn't until I finally stilled myself (which took a long time!) that I realized I was all wound up again and actually quite tired. With all the travelling this summer, adding a second day of work and hosting my in-laws in September, I had slowly been ramping up again without taking adequate rest. I had forgotten that my priority is still to fill my tank - it's not quite full yet! And so, I am coming back to a place where my decisions will be based on how much energy it costs me and whether I can afford it. The road of burnout recovery is full of fits and starts. But when I observe that even the ocean has high and low tides, I am not dismayed.

AT LAST

2009-09-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Last night before falling asleep, I realized that I was full of anticipation and excitement for my life. It was as if the list of things I was grateful for was endless. My heart felt like it was bursting at the seams with joy! I haven't felt like this in a very, very long time.

Tonight as Tim and I prayed, I spoke with such conviction and energy. Afterward, Tim even commented that he hasn't heard me pray like that in a long time.

I find myself initiating with friends, making more phone calls, wanting to increase my work hours and looking forward to the future.

I think it might be safe to say that God has brought me through the darkness. I am now back in the light. This valley is over. Praise God!

IN LIMBO

2009-08-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

What has been
is no longer.
What I hope for
is not yet.

BACK TO WORK!

2009-07-16T16:18:00.001-07:00

As I was washing dishes this morning, I noticed a significant shift in my inner world. Somehow without me knowing when it started, I had gone back to work! Not the kind of work that pays in dollars and cents. But work that requires much time, attention and investment nonetheless.

I had re-entered the work of intercession.

During my two years overseas, it had become very clear to me that aside from the work I was "paid" to do, I also had the special, on-going, behind-the-scenes work of praying for various people in my life. When I burned out, I had lost my capacity to care for, let alone pray for, others.

How happy I was to notice that a part of me was thinking of and lifting up person after person before the Lord this morning! In my view, interceding for others is just as full-time work as any other type of work that I could do. So I guess this means Happy Back To Work to me!

EMBRACING THE MYSTERY

2009-07-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

Our church is going through a two-part series on grief right now. The guest speaker is sharing from Psalm 16 through the lens of his own loss of his wife to cancer. Last week, he explained that in our society today (especially in the West), we tend to approach our understanding of God and life as this:

Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.

He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.

However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:

Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.

He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.

In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.

As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.

HOW DID I KNOW?

2009-07-01T15:50:00.001-07:00

As I've shared my burnout experience with people, the same question is often asked. How did I know it was burnout? What were my symptoms? Well, at first, I didn't know. I thought I was tired and depressed. What made it more difficult to diagnose (and probably also contributed to it surfacing sooner) was that I was living overseas. I thought it was culture shock, or due to moving around so much. The idea of burnout was initially planted in my mind as I was reading an article about it. I was later able to confirm it with the help of friends, colleagues, those who'd gone through it before and a professional counsellor.

Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:

Trouble with sleep (waking up throughout the night, never feeling like I had enough sleep even if I slept 12+ hours)
Emotional instability (at one point, I was shocked to realize I had cried every day for a month straight)
Difficulty making simple decisions (I had to ask my roommate to pick out some meat for me at the grocery store. Grocery shopping was one of my biggest sources of anxiety)
Apathy towards work and life's passions (to be honest, I really didn't care if the world was going to hell)
Overall lethargy (it felt like I could never shake the tiredness and I never wanted to go out)
Relational bankruptcy (I hardly initiated with anyone, didn't pick up the phone, couldn't handle being in crowds or noisy places)
Loss of self-confidence (I didn't trust my own assessments, thoughts or abilities. I didn't drive for fear of hurting those on the road)
Stomach discomfort (related to anxiety)
Sporadic and unfruitful times in the Word
A long history of overworking and perfectionism

Thankfully, I'm at a place now where I've seen significant progress in most of these areas. I look back and am almost surprised by how dark that time was. It was difficult, it was unexpected, but it was the greatest invitation to life I have yet experienced.

THOUGHTS ON STRUGGLE

2009-06-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

As part of my readings for the course I'm taking, I came across this bit on struggle that is rather insightful. It's from Joan D. Chittister's "Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope."

Be blessed.

There is no one who does not go down into the darkness where the waters do not flow and we starve for want of hope. The life goes out of life and there is nothing left to do but simply follow routine, hoping down deep that we will not really have to go on much longer. It is a sad and barren time.
There is no one who does not have to choose sometime, someway, between giving up and growing stronger as they go along. And yet if we give up in the midst of struggle, we never find out what the struggle would have given us in the end. If we decide to endure it to the end, we come out of it changes by the doing of it. It is a risk of mammoth proportions. We dare the development of the self.
...
Something else I have come to know...: All struggle is not loss. All those who struggle do not give way to depression, or death of the spirit, to dearth of heart. We not only can survive struggle but, it seems, we are meant to survive in new ways, with new insights, with new heart.

MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL

2009-06-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

Last week, I had another vivid dream. Whenever I wake up remembering the contents of my dream, I usually write it down and ask the Lord to show me if there is any significance in it. I believe He does speak to me through my dreams. And more often than not, He gives me insight into what they may possibly mean.

A couple pieces of advice I'd received from someone more familiar with dreams was:

Ask yourself, what was the emotion I felt in the dream?
Remember whatever the content of the dream was, it's about me. (So even if I dream that someone else is sick, it's not about them getting sick, it's about me and my response.)

I applied this advice to my dream and I was surprised to discover another angle from which to look at my burnout.

In my dream, I was at some sort of camp or retreat center and our activity for the afternoon was a scavenger hunt of sorts. We were to collect aerosol cans that were hidden throughout the building. We started off. I noticed that some people in the group went very quickly and then lost interest, choosing instead to go back to their rooms and socialize. Others were really slow and hardly found anything. I, on the other hand, went steadily along through every room and managed to find many cans that others had missed. I felt proud of myself for persevering and finding a whole plastic bag full.

Then we gathered to look at the results. As I took the contents of my bag out, I was shocked to see that half of the containers were more like dish detergent containers! They weren't aerosol cans at all!! I felt so confused and embarassed. How did I not see that before?!

As I sat and asked the Lord what this strange scenario could possibly mean, He brought this to mind... Perhaps the aerosol cans represented the tasks that I thought I needed to accomplish: evangelism, worship leading, fellowship leadership, doing well in school, etc. The dish detergent containers were the activities I had been involved in that in retrospect weren't essential and weren't actually in line with who I am created to be. They weren't the things I really wanted to have in my life, if I was honest with myself. (Or I might go as far as to say they weren't things God wanted me to have in my life.)

So even though I perceived myself as diligent and competent (perhaps more than others even), the reality was that I was making work for myself and "putting more in the bag" than was necessary.

Part of my coming to terms with my burnout, now that my former activities are exposed for what they truly were, is that I feel a sense of embarassment and confusion about it. I hadn't realized this about myself before I had this dream. So I think God allowed me to dream this in order to know this about myself.

JESUS FEEDS THE TWELVE

2009-06-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

One of my bigger fears as I've walked this road of recovery is running dry and burning out again. This past week, God graciously addressed my fear and allowed me to peer into a bit of His heart.

I was reflecting on the passage traditionally known as "Jesus Feeds the 5,000" and as I observed myself, I noticed that I was feeling progressively angrier as the story went on. Jesus knew His disciples were tired, so why did he plunge them into another day of ministry? And to top it off, He assigned them the impossible task of feeding everyone! What kind of way was that to treat those who'd committed their lives to Him, those whom He loved most? I felt indignant. And perhaps in a small way, I felt like one of the disciples.

I slept on it. The next morning, as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day, my thoughts turned back to the story. What was God trying to say to me? And then I saw it. At the end of the day, after the crowds had ate their fill and everyone was slowly dispersing back to their homes, the disciples gathered up 12 basketfulls of bread and fish. That was one basket of food each! I suspect that as the crowds were eating, the disciples also had a chance to eat. So Jesus essentially not only fed the 5,000, but He fed the 12 - for a whole week.

It became clear to me that Jesus loved His disciples all along. He knew that in asking them to do what they thought was beyond their means, they would be the ones most blessed. In the same way, I can trust that the Lord loves me. And even if (or when) He asks me to stretch beyond my capabilities, He will not let me lose out. In fact, I will emerge having gotten the better end of the deal, so to speak.

Perfect love casts out all fear. How very true.

A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF

2009-05-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

I'm reading "The Gift of Being Yourself" by David Benner and in it, he talks about the Enneagram (pr. any-a-gram) as a way of helping people understand themselves. Instead of looking at personality traits, this system looks at 9 different types of core sins that drive people.

Benner says, "The core sins identified by the Enneagram are each associated with a core need. The needs are basic human needs, such as a need for love, for security or for perfection. The sin consists in making these something of ultimate value - that is, making them into God.

Ones need to be perfect and, discovering that neither they nor anything else in their world is perfect, are tempted by self-righteous anger A good biblical example of this type is Paul.
Twos need to be loved and needed, and their competence in making this happen sets them up for pride. Martha is a good biblical example of a Two.
Threes need to be successful and are tempted to deceit, as they do whatever they have to do to avoid failure and appear in the best possible light. Jacob illustrates this type.
Fours need to be special and are tempted toward envy, escapist fantasy and a compromise of authenticity. Joseph, the Old Testament patriarch, illustrates this type.
Fives need knowledge, long for fulfillment, and are tempted by greed, stinginess and critical detachment. Thomas, the so-called doubting disciple, fits this pattern.
Sixes need security and are tempted by fear, self-doubt and cowardice. Timothy is a good example of a Six.
Sevens need to avoid pain and are tempted by gluttony and intemperance. Solomon is a biblical example of this type.
Eights need power, self-reliance and opportunities to be against something and are tempted by lust, arrogance and the desire to possess and control others. King Saul is a good illustration of an Eight.
Nines need to maintain emotional peace and avoid initiative and are tempted by laziness, comfortable illusions and being overly accommodating. Jonah illustrates this type."

As I look through the list, my initial response is that I identify myself with type Three the most. Benner explains though that often the first type we think "fits" is not necessarily the core sin that's beneath all our layers. So I'm asking the Lord to continue showing me what my deepest problem is - even though venturing into those murky waters isn't my favourite idea.

Looking at my burnout through this lense, I can see how trying to keep appearances up and wanting to avoid failure often leads me to say or do things that are not true to what I'm really thinking or feeling. For example, even when I was overworked and tired, I told myself that I was fine and wouldn't admit to needing rest. I would essentially lie to myself - and consequently, to others. I wasn't as well as I would admit to myself.

The point of knowing our core sin is not to try to correct ourselves though. The idea is that as we discover what our true problem is, we can bring it to Jesus and find acceptance there. It may sound wrong to say that Jesus accepts our sin, but it is actually in His acceptance of it that we have freedom from it. Only when believe that we are completely accepted can we begin to experience His redeeming power and have Him change us from the inside out. Because when we can accept His acceptance of us inclusive of our sin, we are released from covering up our "bad parts" or striving to be anything other than who we are. And when we stop striving, He can start working.

FEARS

2009-05-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

Being back in Toronto and preparing for a month of seeing a steady stream of people, I've noticed an intense reluctance to move forward in time. The culprit? Fear. I'm afraid that upping my social calendar (from around 3 appointments a week to around 10 apointments a week) will drain me faster than I can replenish my emotional reserves. And if that happens, I'm afraid that I will backslide into the dark abyss and lose everything I've waited so long to regain (notice I said waited, not worked). I guess I'm afraid that somehow, I will inadvertantly prolong my recovery process by entering into this month.

What it comes down to though (as with all fears), is a lack of trust in the Lord. Do I trust that He will give me the energy I need? Do I trust that even if I make all these appointments in faith, He will be sure to cancel the ones He knows are not the right timing for me? Do I believe that God is looking out for me and that I don't need to fend for myself? These are the deeper questions I need to answer.

When I finally choose to trust God, I find the freedom and joy to move forward.

MY PROPHETIC OPTOMETRIST

2009-04-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. If my visit to the optometrist today is any indication, I think there's truth to that statement.

Today was my first visit to Tim's optmetrist (now my optometrist as well). For a while now, I've been bothered by my contact lenses and I was hoping that she could give me some advice. What I got from our appointment was more than I had expected.

To summarize her thoughts, she said that my eyes were over-tired and the strain was causing my vision to be unstable. She advised me to stick to wearing glasses for the next three months to give them a break and see if my eyes would relax and stabilize. She also told me I would need to accept that things further away would be fuzzy. As I listened to her explain things, I felt like she was talking about my life! I almost wanted to ask her to slow down so I could journal some of these thoughts before I forgot. But I didn't. ;)

Anyway, it was an enlightening appointment. And the funniest part? At the end, she told me "You don't have to pay (the government will cover it) because... well... you... ah... because of your condition." My eyes are so bad they qualify for healthcare coverage! I don't know whether to sigh or laugh.

A LONG ROAD

2009-04-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately that I will probably take at least three years to fully recover from burning out. It's been almost a year and a half now and I'm still needing at least 10 hours of sleep a night (plus napping some days), feeling a deficit of self-confidence (although it has gotten better) and resisting responsibility.

I was re-reading the article "Emotional Fatigue" the other day and it suggested that for some people, the amount of time it took to do the damage is the amount of time it will take to undo the damage. If that is true, I might be looking at something like 9 years. Sigh.

But I guess I've come to a point where I don't want to count anymore. It'll take as long as it needs to. I can't hurry it up and trying to push myself forward would probably just slow it down.

I think the hardest part about it is that no one can see or objectively measure the extent of the injuries. I'm the only one who can really say how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wonder whether people secretly think I'm being a wuss or a lazy bum. I wonder that about myself even.

I think it's difficult for me to extend grace to myself.

JOY & SORROW

2009-03-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

It has been suggested that our cup of joy can only be as deep as our cup of sorrow.
~ Tim Hansel, You Gotta Keep Dancin'

Loss is saying goodbye to anything before we're ready to.
~ Doris Beck

A SIGNIFICANT STEP

2009-03-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a significant day in my recovery process.

For the last 15 months or so, God had been teaching me to let go of discipline in a sense, to just be, without putting parameters on how I spent each day. This past month or so, I've felt more and more restless about my inconsistent quiet times. Until yesterday. Yesterday God finally said it was time to re-introduce the concept of discipline into my life. How exciting!

What this looks like practically is that I've decided to set my alarm every morning for 9am, which will give me more time in the mornings and allow me to hang out with the Lord before diving into the day.

You might be thinking that I'm crazy because I'm actually happy about incorporating discipline into my life. Well, I guess it's like this, when you've wandered among endless sand dunes in the wilderness for a very long time, it's really nice to see a road.

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

2009-03-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last scheduled appointment with my counselor. As we talked over the phone, I had this incredible sense that this leg of the journey was coming to a close. God has helped me to establish myself in Vancouver now and I no longer need his particular care and guidance. It's as if I have come out of the ICU because my condition has stabilized.

It's been almost a year since Tim surprised me with a ring and got a huge ball of changes rolling. I'm glad to say, I think the ball has finally stopped rolling. I realized the other day that I'm finally able to rest. Even though I'm running our household and working part time, I would dare to say that I'm resting better now than any other time in my past. At the very least, for the first time since graduating from high school (that's nine years!), I am not packing up my room for the summer or moving to another "home" this fall.

It's not that there are no more changes. There are. I just enrolled in a 2-year Master's level Spiritual Formation program through a local theological college that starts in June. But I think this change will be an enriching experience. In a way, I can see God continuing His ministry of rebuilding my soul through the people I will encounter through this program.

So there are endings. And there are beginnings. And from where I stand right now, I think the darkest part of the valley is behind me. (At least this time around!)

AN OBSERVATION ABOUT MYSELF

2009-02-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

I realized tonight that at the core of it all, my struggle is to truly believe that God loves me. I find it easier to believe that He loves other people (like Tim, or friends, or even strangers) more than He loves me. Incredible, I know. But I think this is another root of my burnout and tendency to ignore my own needs. It can easily masquerade as "self-sacrifice" but I think some of those decisions come from a place of insecurity rather than freedom in love.

TREADING WATER

2009-02-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, I took swimming lessons and my least favourite part was when we had to tread water. For some reason, even when I kicked my legs like the instructor showed me, and moved my arms back and forth, I would inevitably start to sink.

This past month felt like I was treading water.

I think it was the combination of learning to manage our home, continue resting and starting to return to work - plus the spiritual battle component - that made it quite challenging. By the last week of January, I was seeing symptoms of depression pop up again. And I knew something had to change.

Thankfully, God helped me take the first step by sending a friend to pray over me. She stood in the gap for me and helped me to stake my claim as a daughter of the King and as one redeemed by the blood of Christ. After that prayer time, the darkness lifted and I had hope again.

Still, I've been evaluating what I can change to prevent myself from a repeat of January. And this is what I will try: instead of going into the office (which is at least an hour commute each day) twice a week, I will work from home for one half day and the office for another half day. I am also taking more initiative to have one-on-one coffee/lunch dates with friends. I will be more intentional about incorporating praise into my prayer times - both in my own times with God and in my prayer times with Tim. And I've decided to be less stingy with my money when it comes to buying flowers. It's incredible how much having flowers in the house lifts my spirits! These are just a few small adjustments I'm making in hopes that I can foster an environment and lifestyle where my soul can continue to heal.

SIGH

2009-01-09T12:14:00.000-08:00

There are up days and there are down days. Today happens to start as a down day.

I'm supposed to work this afternoon and for some reason, I'm dreading it. A few days ago, I was really looking forward to it, actually. But today, I could hardly pull myself out of bed.

Currently I'm reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis and "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. Both books have been helping me see the spiritual dimension of life a little more clearly. So I know that this blah feeling most likely has a spiritual cause. Incidentally, I'm going through "Praying the Names of God" by Ann Spangler for my quiet times and the name of God this week is "The LORD is my Banner" - God is my victory.

I have a choice today: live as if I'm defeated, or live in the victory of Christ. One would be choosing death. The other would be choosing life.

I think I'll choose life today. What about you?

HAPPY B-DAY TO ME!

2009-01-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

Nope, it's not my birthday. Yesterday marked my first "Back-to-work" day. I'm splitting my eight hour workweek into two afternoons - Wednesdays and Fridays - at least that's the arrangement for the time being.

The project I get to work on is really neat. I'm doing a painting (hopefully more than one) as part of a display booth with the aim of generating conversations on campuses revolving around the question "Does God Exist?" A bonus is I get to work at home. And did I mention, I get to paint?

My first day working was pretty nondescript. I feel like I should have gotten some fanfare or recognition for it. But I know God knows how big a step it felt like for me. And I believe He was applauding me from Heaven.

I feel like I'm re-entering work very cautiously. Partly because I'm testing the waters on how much I can handle. Partly because I don't have a clear vision of where to run with my life. So I'm taking baby steps. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

Anyway, in celebration of my return to work, Tim and I went to a local (and surprisingly quiet) pub to watch Mats Sundin play his first hockey game with the Vancouver Canucks. It was his first day back, too. And they won. =)

HOW DO YOU MEASURE A YEAR?

2008-12-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Today marks day Three Hundred and Sixty Six since I landed back in Canada. It would have been 365 but 2008 was a leap year, so it's 366 days!

Thinking back over this past year, one word that has surfaced is: Clarity. It's a bit surprising to me as I recount the various ways God has brought clarity to my life over the last 12 months. It's the same type of clarity one would get from an extended time of fasting. Interestingly, not once this whole year have I fasted from food. No, I suspect that for me, the clarity has come about as I have fasted from work.

This past year, God has given me clarity in terms of my relationship with Tim: we are now married (haha... how much clearer could that get?!). And I know now where I am to live and sink my roots: Vancouver. God has clarified my future life direction: bringing healing to people through the arts. And He has given me a next step in ministry: working one day a week as part of a creative resourcing team for the campuses.

To be honest, a year ago I was in so much despair I could never have dreamed that so much could change in a year. But it has. And God deserves all the credit.

GOD IN THE DARKNESS

2008-12-03T19:06:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I was re-reading the 10 Commandments (needed a refresher) and came across this very interesting verse at the end of Exodus chapter 20:

As the people stood in the distance, Moses entered into the deep darkness where God was. (v. 21)

Moses had to walk into the darkness alone. And in the darkness, he met God.

Most of the time, I associate God with light. But it's comforting to know that sometimes, God wants us to meet Him in the darkness.

RECURRING THEME: WORTHINESS

2008-11-21T16:03:00.000-08:00

It's interesting that what God initially used burn-out to surface in me, He is now using relocation to surface again. I have been feeling out of place in Vancouver, missing the familiarity of Toronto and strangely also missing the familiarity of Asia. As I search my heart, I discover that part of what I'm missing is the feeling of security that comes from knowing that people know my history and accomplishments. For some reason, I feel like because people don't know me here, I need to somehow prove to them that I am worth being friends with. That I am trustworthy and worth getting to know.

What I need to choose to believe, however, is that I am already valuable - regardless of how people think of me, or what I think they think of me. I'm challenged to ask myself where I'm looking for my significance. And the comforting truth is one I learned not so long ago: my significance comes from the One who created me.

A NEW WAY OF JOURNALLING

2008-11-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine shared this idea with me that I thought was very interesting. She said someone suggested to her to start journalling with her non-dominant hand. That forces the writer to slow his/her thoughts down and engage the other side of the brain. For those of us who have a tendency to rush through life, this would be a good one. I haven't tried it yet but my friend said it was quite a helpful exercise for her.

I'M A SURVIVOR

2008-11-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

I survived my wedding.

It was a whirlwind weekend of people, smiles, chatter, flights and photos galore. And even though it was over three weeks ago, I'm still feeling like I'm just recovering from it. I had been worried about how I would fare under all the pressure and I'm glad to say I emerged victorious. I did not die!

I did have a breakdown on the Saturday night at our family and close friends' dinner where I felt myself unravelling at an alarming rate and we had to excuse ourselves early. In the moment, all I felt was panic and fear because I really thought I was losing control of myself. In retrospect, I've learned that that's what happens when I reach my limit.

Thinking about that night, I feel a sense of shame for not being stronger. I had only lasted until 8:30pm on my own wedding night. But then I think, if I'm going to max out, it might as well be on my wedding day. And I also come to the sobering thought that if I my wedding had been a year ago, I might not have even made it to the 1:00pm ceremony, much less attend the dinner.

Talking with a friend this morning, I rediscovered just what a long way I've come in a year. Now that the big stressful event is over, I have great hope for more progress on the road of recovery.

MUSING

2008-10-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

A recent discovery of mine has been the exercise of musing: thinking and dreaming about the future without any pressure to make decisions.

I had been reluctant to start thinking about returning to work - or even entertaining the thought of possible work options - and I had asked my counselor if he had any suggestions. That's when he suggested the activity of musing.

Tim and I took some time out one lovely Saturday afternoon and found ourselves a quiet comfy place overlooking a park and experimented with musing. We discovered, to our delight, that it was an energizing endeavour and we emerged from it quite excited about the future and the possibilities that lie before us. I think it was especially uplifting for me because it allowed me to think about my strengths and affirmed my sense of value as I thought about my strengths.

One of the effects of burnout is that one's sense of self-worth is depleted. So one of the steps in recovery is a re-building of the sense of self-worth. And I definitely think that by grace, I am on the upswing.

WHEN, LORD?

2008-08-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

Labour Day weekend is coming up. I'd been instructed not to think about work possibilities until that weekend. Now that it's a few days away, I'm wondering if I'm ready to head into that realm yet.

I don't know.

I'm still tired.

And I'm tired of being tired.

I want life to move on, but part of me doesn't. I wonder if I should resume working when I feel like I haven't really learned how to rest?

So the question is: When, Lord?

And the prayer is: Wisdom, please.

TWO STEPS FORWARD...

2008-08-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm having another moment when I wonder whether I'll ever come out of this valley. I slept 11 hours last night and I can't decide what to have for lunch.

This feeling will pass, I know.

Some significant milestones for me these last couple weeks have been:

I drove 5 minutes to the supermarket (and back).
I drove 20 minutes to my friend's house (and back).
I took the bus by myself for a grocery run
I was able to talk about my time of ministry in Asia without feeling panic or resistance
I made an amazing lamb dinner that caused Tim to slap the table because it tasted so good =p

Good signs. But I really wonder if "normal" will ever happen.

AN OLD FRIEND

2008-08-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I woke up to discover an old friend of mine was back in town. For the first time in a very long time, I actually started off feeling a sense of joy and hope toward the rest of my day. I think this is a significant development. Yay!

SLOW

2008-08-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

Postings have been slow as of late. It's been hard for me to sit down and think when I've had so much to clean and so many boxes to unpack. I think moving has taken a lot out of me.

I do however still feel like I'm walking the road of recovery. It's tempting to try and "take my temperature" every day, checking on whether I've progressed or not. But once in a while, when I actually look back and compare myself to where I was at half a year ago, three months ago, or even a month ago, I feel a sense of relief - because I know I'm actually getting better.

This past week for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I actually cared for those around the world who don't know Jesus. It was just a moment, like a flicker of a long-lost spark. And I've actually felt excited to meet my new neighbours here.

I still feel like I'm treading water when it comes to taking care of myself. Deciding what to eat is one of the biggest challenges of my day. Deciding what to do comes a close second. Sometimes I wonder how I'll ever feel competent enough to take care of a family. But I need to trust that the grace I need will be there when the time comes.

LET'S WAIT TILL THE WATER RUNS DRY

2008-07-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Reading 1 Kings 17 today, I found it very interesting that God brought Elijah to the live off of a brook and waited until the brook was dry before telling Elijah to move on to Zarepath. And even more fascinating was that Elijah stayed at the drying brook until he heard God telling him to go elsewhere. If I were him, I don't know that I would be calm about watching my sole source of water dry up day after day before my very eyes. Would I still be able to trust that God remembers me?

In a sense, I feel like God is allowing (or even waiting for) my brook to run dry before He tells me where to go next. It's like I'm watching all that is familiar evaporate so that the bedrock is exposed and I have nothing left but God to cling to for sustenance. Only then will He give me His new word of direction.

So in a way, even though I felt burnt out half a year ago, that was really only the beginning to the process of God drying out my brook so that He could direct me to new places (which, if you read Elijah's story, is a widow's home where a miracle happens every day.)

RESILIENCE

2008-06-26T17:26:00.001-07:00

Today was my eighth and last appointment with my counselor in Toronto. It's been a very valuable experience, meeting with him. I've been encouraged (often affirmed that I'm normal), learned a lot and gained new insights and perspectives into the burnout recovery process.

One of the marks of a fully recovered person is a rebuilt "resilience." By that, it means that the person is capable of handling the stresses of life again because they have integrated enough life-giving elements into their lifestyle. I'm not there yet, but one of the ways I'm getting there is I'm exploring more of who God has made me to be so that my next job or ministry role will be more in line with my strengths.

My counselor gave me a list of books to explore on this topic and he also gave me a book to start with. It's called "Don't Waste Your Talent" by Bob McDonald and Don E. Hutcheson. I'm really excited to start reading it.

I once came across a definition of burnout as when a forest has been gutted by a fire. I feel like that's what has happened to me. Through this time, God has burned away everything that I thought was true about myself. And now I can see and examine the new growth poking out from among the ashes. Praise God!

On a side note, whenever I hear the word "resilience," I will always think of this exchange I had with a friend while we were in Italy:

Me: Wow, these pigeons are resilient!
Friend: Really? How do you know?
Me: Look at them, people are throwing stuff at them and kicking at them and they still stay there.
Friend: So?
Me: So they're resilient!
Friend: Oh! Resilient!! I thought you said the pigeons were Brazilian!!!

CONSIDER IT DONE

2008-06-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Christ said, "Let us go to the other side" - not to the middle of the lake to be drowned.
~Dan Crawford

This thought is very comforting to me. It's because Christ was fully intending to bring his disciples to the other side of the lake that he could sleep while the storm was raging and the waves rose higher and higher. His disciples had not taken him for his word, and so they panicked.

Today marks exactly 6 months since I came home to rest. And half a year later, I don't feel like too much progress has been made. But I know that even though I may feel like I'm still stuck in the middle of the lake, God's invitation to me was to go to the other side. So I can take His word in faith and stop despairing. Because He always finishes what He starts.

ACCEPTANCE

2008-05-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Acceptance, I've come to learn, is one of the keys to resting. When I do not accept certain things about myself or my circumstances (or others), it is impossible for me to be at rest. Because then I am constantly striving or wishing for something different than what is. Acceptance is the humility to acknowlege that the circumstances are the best because God has ordered them to be so; and that I am exactly who I need to be for this moment. Change comes only from God. So acceptance means relinquishing my desire for control and allowing Him to take full responsibility for my life. As I do that, I am effectively hiding myself in His will - and in that sacred place, I find rest.

I'M JEALOUS OF THE MAPLE TREES

2008-05-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

Yep, after 3 months hiatus, I'm back. :) And I just want to say, watching these maple trees in our yard go from bare branches to full foliage in a matter of weeks makes me just a teensy bit jealous. I wish I could grow that fast.

I've been home for just over five months now and I still feel like my branches are bare. Oh there are days when I feel like there's almost some budding happening. But most days, it's still a struggle to keep hoping and tell myself despair is only a feeling and not to base my understanding of life on it.

I made a comment about the trees to my mom the other day and her reply encouraged me. She said that they have to grow their leaves quickly because summer is such a short season here. In my case, however, God willing, I still have quite some time ahead of me before my "summer" is over. Here's the redeeming truth: He makes all things beautiful in His time.

PLEASE EXCUSE THE SCAFFOLDING

2008-02-29T18:30:00.001-08:00

I have some sad news: scaffolding is being put up around this construction project and your view will be obstructed for a time. God is taking me to sacred, deep and personal places I don't know about and He's requested that I press pause on the publishing for now. So, my fellow journeyers, thanks for watching the renovation process with me to this point. If you remember, please pray for me as God leads. I am confident what comes out of this will be even better - for all of us.

(For a further explanation of this decision, please click on the link on the right to visit my other blog. Thanks!)

DETOX FOR THE SOUL

2008-02-27T14:57:00.001-08:00

If bodily organs could have awards, the "multi-tasker" award would go to the liver. Not only is it the production site for blood, it acts as a filter for impurities (such as alcohol) and it generates bile (which is necessary for digestion). It probably has other uses as well but I'm no biology major so we'll leave it at that.

A couple days ago, I finished a 3-week detox diet. Basically, I ate foods that would be easily absorbed so that my system - and my liver in particular - would have a lighter load and toxins would have the opportunity to be released.

In a way, I see this time of rest for me as a "detox" for my soul. God has placed me in an environment where my usual pressures and stresses are lessened and there's time and space for the "toxins" in my soul to be released.

I've heard it said before that Christ's kingdom exists not just in the realm of thought and spirit but of the body (Christ himself was the Word become flesh). I think it's so true. We can learn much from observing the physical world God has made.

THE 3 R'S

2008-02-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

Sometime in the 90's (or was it late 80's?), I remember being taught the slogan at school. This was also around the time each home got a recycling bin. It was drilled into our heads that in order to save the environment, we had to "Reduce, Re-use and Recycle."

This past week, I learned another 3 R's. These three have to do with the post-burnout process.

Rest
Recovery
Renewal

According to my counselor (who is really a God-send and has been doing this type of thing for over 30 years), a healthy way of looking at time for someone coming out of burn-out is to split the year into 3 month chunks of time (eg, first 3 months is just resting and the next 3 months can start into recovery). He also said it usually takes a person 2 years before they are completely symptom free and ready to take on a full load again.

Burnout is relatively simple to treat, he told me at the end of our first session, it just requires a lot of patience from the person going through it. No kidding! I'm only 2 months into this and I'm already feeling antsy. Lord, have mercy! ;)

IRONY

2008-02-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

Patience grows only in the garden of waiting.

THE SECOND SERVANT

2008-02-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to be the servant who at the end of the day comes before her master and hears Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" As I understood it (and maybe was even taught this), the way to accomplish that was to work real hard and multiply what my Master entrusted me with.

Yesterday, I sat down and re-read the parable from Matthew 25. I suspected that my interpretation of the story previously had been skewed by a false perception of a performance based God and I wanted to read it with fresh eyes.

Here's what I think that Jesus' point of telling this story is: What God desires from us is faithfulness, not productivity.

If the Master's goal had been productivity, the second servant would not have been commended. I mean, what he had to offer in the end was not even half of what the first guy started with! If the master had wanted productivity, I could imagine the second guy thinking to himself, "What? The master only gave me 2 bags of silver? I'll show the master what I can really do!" And then going out, working really hard and coming back with 5 bags of silver but being all worn out and bitter at the master.

That's not our God though. Ours is a God who commends His servants for being faithful with what He allots them.

What then has God entrusted me with? And how faithful am I being with it?

HCK-TOO!

2008-02-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

I came across two stories of Jesus that I hadn't really paid attention to before. In Mark chapter 7 and chapter 8, Jesus is recorded as healing two people, one deaf and mute and the other blind, by first touching them with His spit. I haven't found much on these two instances in the way of commentaries, but here's what I can glean about Christ's peculiar actions.

Both times, Mark says that people brought these men to Jesus so that he could touch them and heal them. And both times, Jesus leads them away from the crowd or outside the city (presumably also away from the crowd) before He heals them. By spitting on them, Jesus demonstrates that God will heal however He wishes to. We cannot tell God what to do. The healing work of God is both unpredictable and intensely personal.

What I also find interesting is that to be spit upon is normally a cultural symbol of degradation. Jesus Himself was spit upon when He was mocked before His crucifixion. That Jesus used spit to heal these men speaks to me of His redemptive power. He can take what is scorned and make it a beautiful thing.

I shudder to imagine being the blind man though... to hear the noise of Jesus spitting and then feeling the slimy wetness on my eyes?! Blech. But then again, discomfort is a small price to pay to be able to see Jesus.

HE'S HEALING ME: ONE WOUND AT A TIME

2008-02-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

The other night as I was drifting off to sleep, God brought a flashback to my mind of me getting frustrated at the piano as a child. And He showed me that the frustration was actually a form of anger that I was turning onto myself. When I woke up, I explored that further. Here's what I wrote in my journal:

As I think about it now, I imagine me sitting there in front of the piano, pounding the keys in anger and being yelled at for mistreating the piano. Out of guilt and fear (I didn't want to break such an expensive instrument), I stop pounding and I start yanking my hair and biting my hands as self punishment. The whole time I am crying uncontrollably. I feel dumb and worthless.

As I keep watching the scene, I see You come up to me, You take my hand and lead me away from the piano. You sit with me and cradle my hands in Yours.

What are you feeling? You ask.

Angry. I answer.

Why are you angry?

I can't do it. I can't make my fingers move the way they're supposed to. I can't play the music perfectly.

Do you feel like you can't live up to the expectation of what the composer has for this piece?

Yes. And I can't live up to the expectations of others.

What do you think I think of your piano playing?

I don't know. Disappointed?

No. I think it's beautiful music. It might not be what is written on the page, but it's your song, not someone else's. Olive, I don't expect you to be someone else. Your little mistakes and variations of tempo and loudness are not bad. They make the song yours. And even if others listening don't appreciate it, I do. You are giving it your best. And I treasure that.

So I can just play for you and you think it's beautiful?

Yep.

NOTHING MORE

2008-02-12T12:59:00.000-08:00

He who has God plus many things has nothing more than he who has God alone.
- C.S. Lewis

She who has God plus complete emotional and physical health has nothing more than she who has God alone.

She who has God plus a fulfilling, impacting ministry has nothing more than she who has God alone.

She who has God plus a clear future plan has nothing more than she who has God alone.

She who has God plus [whatever I'm hanging my hopes on apart from Him] has nothing more than she who has God alone.

-------------------

Side note: Praise God! I got in touch with a potential counselor and have an appointment booked for next week. His specific focus is expat missionaries and he served in Taiwan before. I'm so relieved.

SIGN OF A STRENGTH

2008-02-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

I've started to think a bit about what comes next for me in terms of ministry. One helpful idea I've come across is from an article called "Using Your Strengths to Become Stronger" in the Feb 2008 edition of the Harvard Business Review. Essentially a review of Marcus Buckingham's book Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance, the article includes the SIGN test to help you identify whether an activity is a strength.

Success: Do you feel successful and effective as you perform the activity?
Instincts: Do you feel effortlessly drawn to the activity?
Growth: When you perform the activity, do you have the sense that your mind is advancing?
Needs: Does the activity leave you feeling fulfilled?

For the past few years, I'm not sure I can say I've been operating in my strengths the majority of the time. So I'm grateful for this break where I can re-evaluate things and hopefully find a more life-giving fit for me.

I AM HIS JOY

2008-02-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

I listened to a great talk the other day. It's called "The Joy of God" by David Arcos. I found it off the Mosaic podcast (Erwin McManus' church). Anyway, David Arcos made many good points in his super encouraging talk, but the one thing that stuck out at me the most was his explanation of Hebrews 12:2

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

David Arcos suggested that this joy that motivated Christ was His love for us people. You and me. Because Jesus delighted so much in us, it gave Him so much joy that He had the strength to endure the cross. We give Him that much joy. It's like saying,

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for [insert your name here] set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I'd always interpreted that verse to mean that Jesus was so looking forward to being reunited with the Father that He endured the cross. But I now realize that's a skewed perspective. As if the work of redemption was just a piece of dirty work that needed to get done, and then Jesus could enjoy Himself with His Father and the Holy Spirit forever. Those He would save were merely beneficiaries of His act of mercy and they'd just show up in heaven and join them one day. That's not His view of us though. He came out of love, not duty.

The Trinity is absolutely positively head-over-heels in love with US! We are His joy.

I am His joy.

Wow.

ROAD SIGNS

2008-01-29T17:38:00.000-08:00

5 little signs of improvement in me these days (Yah!):

I actually answer the phone now.

I have slept through the night for 3 out of the last 5 nights. (The first time in a few months.)

I have moments of feeling bored. (heh heh)

I find myself thinking of random people and praying for them.

I'll initiate conversations with friends online, sometimes.

And 4 signs that tell me I'm not there yet:

I still don't trust myself to drive a car.

5 minutes of chit chat in a room full of people immediately depletes me.

Stomach pains. =(

I feel like I could nap all day every day.

A good friend asked me today what it would look like for me to be back to "normal." I've been thinking about that, actually. What if this low energy is to stay with me for the rest of my life? Or if I'll have sleeping problems from now on? What if I never recover from these stomach aches? Does that mean my life will be on hold indefinitely? I don't think so.

I think that I'll know I'm better when my heart and soul are healed. When I am less bound by what people think of me. When I am more secure in my identity in Christ. I have a feeling I might never make it to 100% on this side of eternity but my heart will know when it's time to take the next step and get moving again. I am confident that God will make it clear when the time comes. And His grace will be enough to cover what I still lack.

RESOLVING GOOD AND BAD

2008-01-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

I picked up Hiding from Love by Dr. John Townsend again after letting it sit on my bookshelf for a long while. Came across this section tonight that shed a lot of light on my struggle with accepting both the good parts and the bad parts of myself.

We have a need to accept the bad parts of ourselves and the world. This need is important because it helps us bring our own badness to a place of forgiveness. Our imperfect characteristics need to be brought into connection with God and others. What we fail to keep in relationship stays unforgiven and broken.
Our "forgiveness muscle" can be injured in many ways:

A perfectionistic environment, or one in which failure is a cause for shame, can keep our goodness and badness split apart.

Relationships and families that overstress the "excellent" parts of people, at the expense of the "mediocre" parts, discourage us from accepting our imperfections and bringing them to Christ.

Over-positive environments that keep us from legitimate grief can also keep our badness hidden.

Idealistic denial is a characteristic of some families who keep their members stuck in a naive position.

Another section that I could identify with was one of the defensive behaviour styles called the "Self-attacking style" or "Turning against the self."

In this style of internal hiding from separateness, the aggression that can't be "owned" is redirected against the self. It becomes more acceptable to hate ouselves than to tell the truth about our rage at the sin of others against us.
In Christian circles, especially, the self-attacking style is often culturally rewarded. This is due to the fact that it's easy for people who are self-deprecating to be seen as spiritual, or under great conviction. The truth is, they are actually lying about their protest against injury.
It's also easy to mistake this hiding pattern as a defense. Since the hurting person seems to be openly dealing with his weakness, it appears that there is no concealment. At closer inspection, however, it's apparent that what the person is hiding is his actual separate, differentiated, justice-loving angry parts. [emphasis mine]

I had often wondered why I didn't often identify "anger" as an emotion in my life. I think I'm starting to see that it's been showing up in alternate ways. And I hope by God's grace, that I'll learn to bring those hidden parts out into the open and learn to tell the truth about myself.

I'm thankful I bought this book. It's proving to be a very helpful gem. =)

ARKY ARKY

2008-01-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

I found someone who would understand and serves as a model for what it feels like to wait and wait and wait for the "go" from God.

He spent 12 and a half months (that's over a year!) stuck inside a big boat with his immediate family and a zoo of animals. The first 40 days were relatively eventful with storms raging on outside and needing to adjust to the close quarters and getting over seasickness. The next 4 months probably felt like they were settling into a routine as they drifted around and got familiar with the animals (although I think they were probably feeling a little claustrophobic by then). Then, one day, they suddenly felt a jolt. Their boat hit a rock and they'd stopped moving! A glimmer of hope.

But now the real waiting started. It took another 7 and a half months before the ground was dry. I suspect Noah and everyone else were more than eager to get out of there. Day after day after day, all they could do was stay put and wait for God to do His work of drying up the water. They couldn't hurry it up even if they tried. No wonder he sent both a raven and a dove to check on the progress.

To Noah's credit, even when he saw that it was dry enough to leave, he didn't move until he heard the word from God. Here was a man whose patience was grown out of trial.

Reflecting on Noah's experience, I am encouraged. Akin to him, I feel grateful for being spared from the destruction of the flood. But I have to admit I feel restless on the boat. I'm waiting for the water to dry - and I can't make it dry any quicker! Hopefully, by God's grace, I will learn from his example though and wait for the "go" from the Lord before I try to get out of the boat - even if the circumstances seem to be right.

Of course, I'm also extremely grateful I'm not living in a boat full of animals. =)

NO NEED TO EXPLAIN

2008-01-24T13:34:00.000-08:00

In a conversation with Tim last week, he mentioned something about not needing to seek approval from people or defend his choices. I realized at that moment that somehow, God has released me from just that. I no longer feel like I need to explain myself to people when I know what God is asking of me. The magnitude of that chain being broken is huge for me.

Although that's a victory that I celebrate, I'm sobered by the knowledge that I'm not completely free yet. Deep down, I still seek the approval of God. There's something in me that does not accept His full acceptance of me. So I continue to strive.

More and more, my prayer is for grace. I need His grace to help me accept that I'm acceptable and even more, that I'm accepted.

BELIEVING GRACE

2008-01-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

I came across this list of contrasts in The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll. The list is from Dr. Earl Heslin.

SHAME BASED SPIRITUALITY	HEALTHY SPRITUALITY
1. Having problems is sin.	1. Problems are a part of my human condition. I can bring the to God and my fellow Christians.
2. Emotions are sinful.	2. Emotions are neither good nor bad. It's what I do with them. "Be angry and sin not."
3. Compulsive disease is sinful.	3. There is a difference between disease and sinful behaviour.
4. Having fun is sinful.	4. There are many different ways to delight in God's goodness.
5. Spirituality = Perfection.	5. Living within grace not legalism.
6. Sexuality = Sin.	6. Sexuality is a part of who we are as people and is to be enjoyed.
7. Success (or its lack) is sinful.	7. Prosperity or poverty is not due to deficient spirituality.
8. Becoming a Christian fixes everything within me.	8. Accepting Christ in my life enables and empowers me to face issues.
9. If I am not healed it is due to my lack of faith.	9. Having illness is not a sin. I can avail myself of the best treatment possible.
10. Not being able to think of a clever 10th item may mean I'm not being led by God	10. God probably likes the number 9 just as well.

THE GRACE KILLERS

2008-01-11T18:51:00.001-08:00

Recently, I read in The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll, that there are two human tendencies that keep us from being grace-filled people. If I am a grace-filled person, I can accept myself as I am and I can also accept other people for who they are. The two tendencies that keep me from being grace-filled are: 1. comparison and 2. control.

Comparing myself with others keeps me from accepting myself as I am. As I compare, I am drawn to think and perhaps even believe that I am not good enough, or that I am better than others.

Attempting to control others keeps me from accepting others as they are. If I'm always thinking that they should be doing such and such or acting a certain way, I am not giving them the grace to be who they are.

In a way, I think that being grace-filled is a sign of emotional maturity. An emotionally mature person is sure enough of themselves that they are able to give others (and themselves) the freedom to be just as they are.

Being grace-filled is also a sign of a spiritually mature person. Because when someone truly believes that God is in control and has a handle on each person's journey, there is no need to compare and no need to control. God will take care of both my own growth and the growth of others.

I don't think I'm there yet, but that's what I want to be.

CURRENT STATUS: RUT

2008-01-09T14:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I updated.

I guess I feel like I've been in a rut this past month. Physically, I haven't made much progress in terms of sleeping better or getting my digestive system into order. Emotionally, I'm feeling a bit more stable, but I still struggle to have much energy to connect with people. Spiritually, I really don't know. I wrote in my journal yesterday that I feel like my soul is in a coma. I'm still reading the Word but it's not sticking. I'm listening to talks and reading books but it's only filling up my head. There's a disconnect somewhere and don't know what solution it is that I'm waiting for.

I had lunch with a childhood friend today and we had a great time talking and laughing. She reminded me that I need to make sure to have fun. Right. I forget that word exists. How sad! We also talked about all the evidence we have that God loves us and people around us love us. And I came to a place again where I had trouble believing it. I thought I had resolved that already...

How long will this last? Only God knows. I can only remind myself that my hope is in Him alone and not in getting better.

FAINEANT

2008-01-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

faineant \fay-nay-AWN\, [from dictionary.com]
adjective:
1. Doing nothing or given to doing nothing; idle; lazy.
noun:
1. A do-nothing; an idle fellow; a sluggard.

As much as I want to do nothing during this time of rest, I must say, I'm still a very ambitious nothing-doer. Definitely not faineant. Along with three other books, I started reading David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, my mom and I have been cooking up lots of yummy things, my mind remains full of ideas for blogging and sleep occupies almost half of my 24 hours each day. On top of that, I still want to break out my paints (I found a once-a-week watercolour class nearby), put a puzzle together and hang out with my closest friends. It's like I don't have enough hours in a day to have all the fun I want. ;)

A friend of mine who similarly struggles in this area of doing nothing sent me this passage recently. I think it's great perspective. It's by John Piper speaking about Philippians:

Held by Him, Reaching for Him Together
Then in verse 12, Paul gives one of my favorite statements in all the Bible, because it helps me put the fight of faith in the context of absolute assurance. He says: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” I don’t coast. I don’t drift. Christ is too precious for that. I press on. I strive. I reach. I long. I ache. I yearn to obtain the fullness and perfection of the presence of Jesus. Why? Because I don’t know if I am his? No. Because he has already made me his own. I reach for him because I am held by him. I press into him because he has enclosed me with unbreakable bands of love. This is what it means to treasure Christ together. And we help each other press on in this way—with this assurance.

How magnificently freeing!

WHEN GOD WANTS SOMETHING DONE

2007-12-31T15:43:00.000-08:00

During his sermon yesterday, Bruxy Cavey commented on how the shepherds were just doing their thing and tending their sheep when God announced to them the birth of Jesus. The lesson we can take from this is that we can trust that if God has something to say to us, He'll tell us. We don't need to make ourselves feel something or be something in order to "hear" from God.

This was totally my experience with this whole coming home thing. I was just doing the task at hand when He made it clear that He wanted me to come home. Not only did He give me clearance from HR on both sides of the ocean and support from family and friends, He arranged for someone to take over my room when I left. The one remaining detail was my flight home. It was a most edge-of-your-seat process and I don't want to forget it, so I'm going to include it here.

Something I've learned from past experiences is that when God wants something to happen, He'll pull out all the stops to make it happen. I got the green light to change my flight on a Monday. That day, I called the airline twice. Both times, they said the economy seats were all sold out until Feb 21, 2008(!). I requested to be put on their waiting list for December flights.

On Tuesday, I called the airline again. Same answer. The agent suggested I could look into upgrading to Business class. She sent in a request to see how much that ticket upgrade would cost.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the ocean, my travel agent was trying to pull some strings internally for me. She advised me to ask about upgrading to a higher economy class ticket.

Wednesday, word came back: upgrading to business class would cost $3,300 CAD. (Yeah, right!) No thanks, I said.

On Thursday, the agent explained that there was a possibility to get a more expensive economy class ticket. This was what I was looking for! I felt like this was the breakthrough I'd been waiting for. There were only 4 seats available for Dec 13th. Nothing else. I could buy a one-way ticket for $1000+ CAD, she said. How much would it cost to upgrade my ticket? She didn't know so she put in a request to find out.

Friday (how long was this going to drag on, I wondered), the agent said nothing had changed. After a few agonizing minutes of waiting, she said the answer had come back: $130 CAD and there were only 2 seats left! There it was!!! God pulled through yet again!

Another interesting detail is this: In one of my middle-of-the-night prayers of desperation, I had asked the Lord to give me two weeks notice before I had to leave the country. December 13 was exactly two weeks from when the breakthrough phone call happened. Coincidence? I think not.

EMBRACING WINTER

2007-12-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

Niagara Falls, Ontario is known for two things. The first is it's namesake, the thundering cascades of water, one of the great natural wonders of the world. The second, is it's vineyards.

This past weekend, my parents and I took a mini-holiday there. Peering out the window on the drive back, I saw rows upon rows of grape vines. They didn't look like much though. In the wintertime, the bare branches seemed more dead than alive, like twigs hanging limp from the fence. Buried beneath a layer of snow, it's difficult to imagine these fields producing fruit that can be made into award-winning wines.

What struck me most though was that there were no exceptions. Every single plant in those acres of fields had to obey the season. It wasn't like one plant stayed green and remained fruitful while the others dropped their leaves and lay bare. Winter was their time to rest, and they cannot escape it. Neither do they resist it.

In the same way, I think God brings "winters" into every person's life. It cannot be escaped and it best not be resisted.

PROGRESS

2007-12-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling discouraged. I've officially been on "medical leave" for 6 days now and I continue to feel exhausted. High expectations, I know. It hasn't even been a week. But something in me longs to see some sort of hint of progress. Most of my days consist of not doing very much of anything. There would have been a time when I would call myself lazy. I know better than that now.

Anyway, what made it seem worse to me this morning was knowing that all my friends (and the world around me in general) are all busy with Christmas related things. To be honest, I can barely bring myself to even think about Christmas in the sense of festivities and gatherings. Actually, I don't even really want to think about reflecting on Jesus coming to earth. You could say that there's not much "Christmas spirit" in me this year... But I digress.

Back to the idea of progress: I was telling God how I felt about my lack of progress and how stuck in a rut I felt when He gently reminded me, Activity doesn't equal progress. Right. He had me pegged (again). Even if I were well enough to run around like everyone else, it wouldn't necessarily mean I've progressed in God's eyes. And the reverse is true as well.

Will I believe that the work He is doing in me right now is deeper than what I can see? Perhaps Christmas this year will actually be about Immanuel - God with me. God in me.

DESERVING VS. WORTHY (PART 2)

2007-12-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

I had a really neat conversation with my dad tonight. He was responding to my previous post about worthiness. I had written that I don't understand why I don't feel my own worth. He gave me this analogy:

Suppose you have a 5 dollar bill and a 10 dollar bill. They are both made of a sheet of paper. Who says how much that paper is worth? Does the bill say how much it's worth? No. The mint, or the creator of the bill, determines how much that slip of paper is worth. Can the bill ever understand how much it's worth? Again, no. It takes a third party to recognize its worth.

In the same way, it is difficult for me to understand my own worth. God, my Creator, has already determined my worth and somehow, it isn't until I can step away from myself and look at myself from the outside that I can start to grasp just how valuable He thinks I am.

Now let's take the 5 dollar bill analogy further: If I hand you a crisp, new and clean 5 dollar bill, how much is it worth? 5 dollars. Now what if I crumple the bill, spit on it and stomp on it a few times? Now how much is it worth? That's right. Still 5 dollars. The worth of an object is given to it from an external source - it's creator.

No matter how I feel or what I've been through, my worth is also determined by external source - my Creator.

RECOVERY

2007-12-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

Many people have wished me a speedy recovery. I know that it is with good intentions that they wish me that and I'm grateful for their care. But part of me thinks, I'd rather they wish me a thorough recovery. I suppose thoroughness is implied, but then, why is speed emphasized?

Being unwell is uncomfortable and unpleasant for sure, but sometimes time is not of the essence if grace is to do its work completely.

God just never seems to be in a rush, you know?

DESERVING VS. WORTHY

2007-12-08T21:58:00.000-08:00

In his book, "Shame and Grace," Lewis B. Smedes makes an important distinction between deserving grace and being worthy of grace. In essence, as people, we are not deserving of grace. Nothing we can do can earn us God's grace. However, as people, we are worthy of grace. Who we are as His children gives us the worthiness to receive His grace.

I'm still grappling with this idea.

It makes sense when I look at my reaction when I think of an abandoned baby. The injustice I feel toward the situation would insist that the baby deserves a chance at life. What makes this baby deserving though? What has she done to earn it? Perhaps then, this baby isn't deserving of life as much as she is worthy of one. For she is inherently a reflection of the worthiness of her Creator.

Somehow though, I find it so difficult to see that same worthiness in me. Why? I don't know yet.

TAKE THAT, YOU LOSER!

2007-12-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Taken from my journal this morning.

I am taunted by the accuser, "Don't you care that the world is lost and dying?" He tries to heap shame on me.

Honestly, even though I care, or at least I want to care, I do not have the strength to do anything about it right now.

"Do you think God is pleased with your defeatist attitude? Hmmm?"

Well, actually, His pleasure in me is not dependent on whether I can help Him save the world - because even if I was at 100% energy, I still couldn't save the world. That's God's task. And you know what? God cares just as much about saving the lost as He does about healing my soul. It's not like He only has just enough love to get me into His kingdom (although that in itself is amazing already). He continues to care. His love really has no limits.

Pause.

JESUS CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON!

So Satan, you have nothing more to say. I am free from condemnation. God is for me. So there!

Thank You, Jesus. =)

IT'S PERFECT

2007-12-03T03:42:00.000-08:00

There are three P's that keep coming up these days: Performance, People-pleasing and Perfectionism. All three are man's standards and not God's. They prevent people from living in the fullness of the freedom offered by the Gospel of grace. The thought has crossed my mind to do a series of posts on these three P's. But today, I will only write about one: Perfectionism.

My roommate here has a habit of looking at the things I do and exclaiming, "It's perfect!" Whether it be walnuts I've chopped for her banana bread, some dish I experimentally served for dinner or a picture I helped her hang on the wall, her most frequent response is that it's perfect. Every time she says that, I silently feel my insides cringe. My mind rattles off an itemized list for why the object at hand is not perfect. I simply struggle to accept that something not up to my unrealistic standards can still be considered perfect.

Reading what God has to say about me, I realize that this applies in a broader sense to how I see myself. I can list a jillion reasons why I am not perfect, but amazingly, the Bible tells me that because of Christ, I am perfect. Hebrews 10:14 says, "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy." Wow. Not only am I counted as perfect. I'm counted perfect forever. I don't get this grace.

CONNECTION

2007-11-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

This morning I was reading about Law, Legalism and Standards in Be Transformed. What pegged me was the part on standards and how I've been living my life according to many standards I've taken on over the years.

A breakthrough moment came though when I asked the Lord to show me where guilt has been a driving force in my life. He showed me that the inexplicable sense of connection I have every time I read the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman (the one where He writes in the sand while her accusers slink away and then He tells her He doesn't condemn her) is the sense of guilt and shame. That unnamed woman and I are sisters in a sense.

I think I'm so used to the guilt that I can't really see it anymore. I think I need help to see myself as God sees me: the light parts, the dark parts and all the shadows in between.

BROTHER

2007-11-26T04:19:00.000-08:00

This morning, I was going through a chapter in Be Transformed on the topic of God as our Father. As I read the passages, the reality sunk in that Jesus’ death and resurrection not only saved us from eternity apart from God, it gave us the position of being adopted children of God. This means that in the Father’s eyes, I am His daughter just as much as Jesus is His Son. I am not a second-rate child. How God the Father sees Jesus is how He sees me. Usually, when I think of Jesus relationship with His Father, I don’t dare to hope that I could have the same closeness with God. But in light of this truth, I realize that the same intimate Father-child relationship Jesus exemplified while he walked the earth is available for me! It’s incredible to think that this is possible, let alone true. And it’s awesome to know that the Father is always at work, moving me toward that degree of intimacy with Him. I don’t have an earthly brother, but thinking about Jesus in this light gives me a new understanding of the family relationship.

THE BODY-MIND CONNECTION

2007-11-24T04:47:00.000-08:00

As part of my action steps toward healing, I have been told to incorporate physical exercise into my life at least 4 times a week. I got a gym membership and while I love attending classes like kick-boxing and hip hop, I've discovered that I also really enjoy the elliptical machine. It's like running, but without the impact on my shins and knees. I asked an instructor here what the machine is called in the local language. Translation: outer-space machine. Rationale: it looks like you're running without gravity.

Anyway, so the last couple times, I've managed to run for 40 minutes at a pace of between 53-70 RPMs. Today, as I was running my heart out while listening to a Bruxy Cavey talk about compassion work in Africa, I noticed that in the next room, there were two overweight men working out with their personal trainers. My mind wandered from Africa and I looked around at the gym full of people. Most people I figure are there for their body's sake - they want to get physically fit. It was interesting to think that I was there more for my mind and my heart.

A good friend of mine reminded me yesterday that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That means that our body-mind-soul are intricately connected. So it's actually not strange that sweating it out is actually good for my soul. God knows what He's talking about. ;)

TAKE ME AS I AM

2007-11-23T00:32:00.000-08:00

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

(Chorus)
I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say
I need You
That's all
I need You

"Take me as I am" - Nichole Nordeman

A friend asked me if I'm okay. I'm not. Is that okay?

----

I went to the beach today. It looked like how I felt. The waves were tumultuous and rough and the sand was all dug up, exposing the shells and garbage usually buried deep underneath the surface.

Here's a tangent: What other country renovates their beaches?!