WHEN, LORD?

Labour Day weekend is coming up. I'd been instructed not to think about work possibilities until that weekend. Now that it's a few days away, I'm wondering if I'm ready to head into that realm yet.

I don't know.

I'm still tired.

And I'm tired of being tired.

I want life to move on, but part of me doesn't. I wonder if I should resume working when I feel like I haven't really learned how to rest?

So the question is: When, Lord?

And the prayer is: Wisdom, please.

TWO STEPS FORWARD...

I'm having another moment when I wonder whether I'll ever come out of this valley. I slept 11 hours last night and I can't decide what to have for lunch.

This feeling will pass, I know.

Some significant milestones for me these last couple weeks have been:

• I drove 5 minutes to the supermarket (and back).
• I drove 20 minutes to my friend's house (and back).
• I took the bus by myself for a grocery run
  
• I was able to talk about my time of ministry in Asia without feeling panic or resistance
• I made an amazing lamb dinner that caused Tim to slap the table because it tasted so good =p

Good signs. But I really wonder if "normal" will ever happen.

AN OLD FRIEND

Yesterday, I woke up to discover an old friend of mine was back in town. For the first time in a very long time, I actually started off feeling a sense of joy and hope toward the rest of my day. I think this is a significant development. Yay!

SLOW

Postings have been slow as of late. It's been hard for me to sit down and think when I've had so much to clean and so many boxes to unpack. I think moving has taken a lot out of me.

I do however still feel like I'm walking the road of recovery. It's tempting to try and "take my temperature" every day, checking on whether I've progressed or not. But once in a while, when I actually look back and compare myself to where I was at half a year ago, three months ago, or even a month ago, I feel a sense of relief - because I know I'm actually getting better.

This past week for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I actually cared for those around the world who don't know Jesus. It was just a moment, like a flicker of a long-lost spark. And I've actually felt excited to meet my new neighbours here.

I still feel like I'm treading water when it comes to taking care of myself. Deciding what to eat is one of the biggest challenges of my day. Deciding what to do comes a close second. Sometimes I wonder how I'll ever feel competent enough to take care of a family. But I need to trust that the grace I need will be there when the time comes.

LET'S WAIT TILL THE WATER RUNS DRY

Reading 1 Kings 17 today, I found it very interesting that God brought Elijah to the live off of a brook and waited until the brook was dry before telling Elijah to move on to Zarepath. And even more fascinating was that Elijah stayed at the drying brook until he heard God telling him to go elsewhere. If I were him, I don't know that I would be calm about watching my sole source of water dry up day after day before my very eyes. Would I still be able to trust that God remembers me?

In a sense, I feel like God is allowing (or even waiting for) my brook to run dry before He tells me where to go next. It's like I'm watching all that is familiar evaporate so that the bedrock is exposed and I have nothing left but God to cling to for sustenance. Only then will He give me His new word of direction.

So in a way, even though I felt burnt out half a year ago, that was really only the beginning to the process of God drying out my brook so that He could direct me to new places (which, if you read Elijah's story, is a widow's home where a miracle happens every day.)

RESILIENCE

Today was my eighth and last appointment with my counselor in Toronto. It's been a very valuable experience, meeting with him. I've been encouraged (often affirmed that I'm normal), learned a lot and gained new insights and perspectives into the burnout recovery process.

One of the marks of a fully recovered person is a rebuilt "resilience." By that, it means that the person is capable of handling the stresses of life again because they have integrated enough life-giving elements into their lifestyle. I'm not there yet, but one of the ways I'm getting there is I'm exploring more of who God has made me to be so that my next job or ministry role will be more in line with my strengths.

My counselor gave me a list of books to explore on this topic and he also gave me a book to start with. It's called "Don't Waste Your Talent" by Bob McDonald and Don E. Hutcheson. I'm really excited to start reading it.

I once came across a definition of burnout as when a forest has been gutted by a fire. I feel like that's what has happened to me. Through this time, God has burned away everything that I thought was true about myself. And now I can see and examine the new growth poking out from among the ashes. Praise God!

On a side note, whenever I hear the word "resilience," I will always think of this exchange I had with a friend while we were in Italy:

Me: Wow, these pigeons are resilient!
Friend: Really? How do you know?
Me: Look at them, people are throwing stuff at them and kicking at them and they still stay there.
Friend: So?
Me: So they're resilient!
Friend: Oh! Resilient!! I thought you said the pigeons were Brazilian!!!

CONSIDER IT DONE

Christ said, "Let us go to the other side" - not to the middle of the lake to be drowned.
~Dan Crawford

This thought is very comforting to me. It's because Christ was fully intending to bring his disciples to the other side of the lake that he could sleep while the storm was raging and the waves rose higher and higher. His disciples had not taken him for his word, and so they panicked.

Today marks exactly 6 months since I came home to rest. And half a year later, I don't feel like too much progress has been made. But I know that even though I may feel like I'm still stuck in the middle of the lake, God's invitation to me was to go to the other side. So I can take His word in faith and stop despairing. Because He always finishes what He starts.