TAKING A DEEP BREATH

Thinking about all that's about to happen this summer, I can easily feel overwhelmed.  The list includes attending a wedding, participating in another wedding, running the whole day for my sister-in-law's wedding, a week of work conferences, keeping up with my studies, a couple of jack and jill parties, trying to expand our financial partnership team, hosting my parents, hosting a couple friends, and our quarterly evaluation/dreaming day... and that's just July!  August entices us with a two-week family holiday to Europe (thankfully most of the planning is done for that already).

As I journalled about my apprehension regarding these coming two months, I was gently reminded to live by faith instead of fear.  Later in the evening, as I was reading, I came across these words:

If we approach life from a stance of scarcity, then we will worry that we won't get our share and will do all we can to acquire whatever we think is necessary to secure our future.  If we believe that there is an abundance, then we will be more ready to share and will not be desperate to stockpile goods or love of whatever for ourselves.  (Joy in Divine Wisdom, Marva J. Dawn, p. 140).

I felt like God was challenging my basic assumptions about my energy.  It was easy for me to think in terms of abundance when I needed to make decisions involving my possessions and money.  But when it came to energy, I realized I was living out of scarcity.  I kept thinking I needed to protect my time and energy.  I was, to an extent, hoarding what I thought I had.

The freedom of the gospel meant that Jesus was (and is) my source for everything - energy included.  I still needed to exercise discernment, but I could do so without fear.  I could look at the list ahead of me and welcome it all with an open heart, knowing that God would take me for a ride and trusting that if it ever became too much, He would arrange for a break for me.

As I talked this over with my spiritual director today, she offered me these words, "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25).  This will be the prayer that I will hold on to in these next two months.

I'm taking a deep breath and diving in!

HEALER

I had another friend come by to visit me today.  I bumped into her on my walk this morning and she's kept me company since. 

This morning I went for a stroll, desperate to see or hear from God.  I just wanted something, anything, to let me know that I wasn't in the fog alone.  As I walked, raindrops began to fall.  What's with this, Lord?  I questioned. It had been sunny a mere hour ago.  Why did it have to rain now, when I was so exposed to the elements and I already felt crummy inside?  I felt like God was mocking me. 

Still, I pressed on.  My footsteps fell to the rhythm of "Lord-have-mer-cy, Christ-have-mer-cy."  I was heading toward my place of solace - the Japanese Garden in our neighbourhood.

I arrived at the garden and stood by a tree, taking in the small waterfall, the rocks and remembering the vibrantly coloured spring flowers that were now gone.  I watched as the raindrops hit the pond, causing circles of ripples to expand and intersect with each other.  The raindrops were falling closer and closer together.  Apparently the cloud overhead needed to unload right then.  Pretty soon the ripples were indistinguishable.  In their place, a very agitated pond surface.  I felt dismayed.  But as I looked, it seemed to me as if the raindrops were dancing.  Someone had choreographed their landing patterns.  And I happened to be there to witness their dance.  Soon, the dance was over and the overlapping circles of ripples returned.  It was time for me to walk back toward home.

Interestingly, as I observed myself walking away, I realized that my soul was now at peace.  I paused to smell the jasmine blossoms and even laughed as a crow very vocally followed me along a hundred feet or so. 

It was as if God cried for me at the garden.  His tears fell on behalf of my pain.  And I, sheltered by a tree, had watched them fall all around me.  No words had been exchanged.  No words were needed.

My friend, Beauty, had shown her face.  And my soul understood.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME

Where is the light in my soul?
I'm looking but I just can't see it.
Once upon a time You said it was there.
Would You still speak?

"There is a light in your soul.
Only with eyes of love can you see it.
Be still, my child, and listen.
Do you not hear it sing?"

MY ORBIT

I have been wrestling with the question of how I can ever have any impact on the world.  If I am created to thrive best in a semi-hermitic lifestyle, how can I make any difference in the lives of others?  If I am constantly "journeying inward", what does my journey "outward" look like?  Is a journey outward even possible for one like me?

I recently brought these questions to God, feeling anxious and sad that I was not more of an extravert.  I was surprised at the metaphor I was given in response:  Picture the Moon that orbits the Earth.  The Moon does not occupy itself with travelling around the Sun, and yet, because it stays on track with the Earth, at the end of a year, it has also made it around the Sun.  In the same way, I am to be like a moon, with a sole task of sticking close to Jesus.  The outward flow of my life will happen naturally.  I don't need to contrive it.  He will ensure that it will happen.

This, I think, is what He meant when He said "Keep company with me, and you will live freely and lightly" (Matthew 11:29, The Message). 

HOW TO GROW AN OLIVE TREE

You know how when you go to a garden center, each plant has a small white plastic tab stuck in the soil telling you the ideal growing conditions for that particular species?  It occurred to me the other day that I'm in the process of learning to read what's written on my little white plastic tab. 

So far, I think my growing instructions would include:

• Water frequently, wilts quickly
• Needs lots of silence
• Leave ample room between encounters with others
• Give space for creativity
• Plant in a sunny location
• Do not try to transplant too often, has deep roots
• Fertilize regularly with doses of beauty, meaningful conversation and extended times of reflection

A few weeks ago, during a particularly difficult week, I think I finally moved one step closer to accepting my need for adequate rest, solitude, silence and stillness.  These things are part of my particular make-up.  I am learning to embrace this as what God has deemed "very good."  I think I am starting to agree with God on what this Olive plant needs to thrive, blossom and eventually bear fruit.

(un)EXPECTED VISITOR

I have a friend.  I haven't seen her for a while now.  She tends to come and go as she pleases.  Once in a while, she will drop in, stay a while and leave when she thinks she's kept me company for long enough.  Whenever she's around, my days need to be re-organized.  Hers is a quiet sort of demanding.

Most people don't understand her.  And most of the time, if I'm honest, neither do I.  Most people are also afraid of her.  I don't think that I am anymore.  But if I was, it would only be the slightest amount.  You see, she's quite gentle.  Her footsteps are light.  So light, in fact, that I usually don't notice her arrival until she's settled comfortably in my home.  That's how she arrived this time, anyway.  Perhaps it's her unpredictability and mysteriousness that frightens people.

She has her reasons for visiting, I know.  I actually think she has a direct line to God and He's the one who usually tells her when to come.  Some people see her as an unwelcome intruder, and some days when she's around, I think so too.  But she never comes without at least a few gifts for me.  So I'm learning not to resist her presence.

When she's around, my capacity for working is diminished; I need more sleep and I have trouble concentrating on certain tasks.  This means that I need to be mindful of my energy and be careful in what I choose to do or not do.  It also means that I am brought face to face with my limitations and weaknesses, which makes me re-examine where my identity and value lie.   These are some of the gifts she brings.

When she's around, I also feel a certain pervasive sadness.  This means I need to find what is life-giving and make space for those things.  I cry more easily.  The sadness is one way she helps me to enter into the grief of the world.  I might feel alone, but in actuality, I am sharing in the experience of humanity.  Her presence means that I must make room for rest and renewal.  She invites me to press closer into the bosom of Christ, who is the God of all comfort.  These, too, are the gifts she brings.

The greatest gift from her, I think, is humility.  She humbles me like nothing else.  From her, I am reminded that my limited capacity is not only a good thing, it's perfect.  And that my value comes from being a beloved creature of the Creator.

What is her name, you might ask?  Some call her Depression.  But today, I'd like you to meet my friend.

NOTES FROM MY COUNSELLOR

I was cleaning out my desk tonight and came across a couple sticky-notes from my counselling appointments when I was still figuring out how to cope with my limited energy and planning a move across the country as well as a wedding.  Since I have no where else to put the notes, I'll just type them up here and maybe it'll be helpful to someone.

Concern #1:  How will moving across the country affect me?

• there are three elements to settling into a new place: recovery, adjusting and re-investing

Concern #2:  How do I survive the wedding?

• get as much rest as possible before the wedding
• the rehearsal dinner might be challenging; figure out a contingency plan for me to leave early (also for family/out-of-town dinner after the ceremony)
• be seated for the receiving line?

Concern #3:  What about the honeymoon?

• there is a recovery phase we have to allow for when capacity will be minimal; plan for lots of rest

Concern #4:  How do I know I'm ready to go back to work?  How can I think about this in small steps?

• practice musing:  a non-pressured, no deadline type of thinking about the future
• ask myself: what captures my heart?
• take steps to build my confidence; eg, try specific projects or experiences rather than take on entire roles

And one final thought:  there are two types of encouragement, one is from the side and one is from out front.  The more helpful kind is the side-by-side kind.