Last night before falling asleep, I realized that I was full of anticipation and excitement for my life. It was as if the list of things I was grateful for was endless. My heart felt like it was bursting at the seams with joy! I haven't felt like this in a very, very long time.
Tonight as Tim and I prayed, I spoke with such conviction and energy. Afterward, Tim even commented that he hasn't heard me pray like that in a long time.
I find myself initiating with friends, making more phone calls, wanting to increase my work hours and looking forward to the future.
I think it might be safe to say that God has brought me through the darkness. I am now back in the light. This valley is over. Praise God!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
BACK TO WORK!
As I was washing dishes this morning, I noticed a significant shift in my inner world. Somehow without me knowing when it started, I had gone back to work! Not the kind of work that pays in dollars and cents. But work that requires much time, attention and investment nonetheless.
I had re-entered the work of intercession.
During my two years overseas, it had become very clear to me that aside from the work I was "paid" to do, I also had the special, on-going, behind-the-scenes work of praying for various people in my life. When I burned out, I had lost my capacity to care for, let alone pray for, others.
How happy I was to notice that a part of me was thinking of and lifting up person after person before the Lord this morning! In my view, interceding for others is just as full-time work as any other type of work that I could do. So I guess this means Happy Back To Work to me!
I had re-entered the work of intercession.
During my two years overseas, it had become very clear to me that aside from the work I was "paid" to do, I also had the special, on-going, behind-the-scenes work of praying for various people in my life. When I burned out, I had lost my capacity to care for, let alone pray for, others.
How happy I was to notice that a part of me was thinking of and lifting up person after person before the Lord this morning! In my view, interceding for others is just as full-time work as any other type of work that I could do. So I guess this means Happy Back To Work to me!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
EMBRACING THE MYSTERY
Our church is going through a two-part series on grief right now. The guest speaker is sharing from Psalm 16 through the lens of his own loss of his wife to cancer. Last week, he explained that in our society today (especially in the West), we tend to approach our understanding of God and life as this:
Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.
He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.
However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:
Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.
He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.
In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.
As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.
Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.
He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.
However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:
Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.
He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.
In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.
As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
HOW DID I KNOW?
As I've shared my burnout experience with people, the same question is often asked. How did I know it was burnout? What were my symptoms? Well, at first, I didn't know. I thought I was tired and depressed. What made it more difficult to diagnose (and probably also contributed to it surfacing sooner) was that I was living overseas. I thought it was culture shock, or due to moving around so much. The idea of burnout was initially planted in my mind as I was reading an article about it. I was later able to confirm it with the help of friends, colleagues, those who'd gone through it before and a professional counsellor.
Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:
Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:
- Trouble with sleep (waking up throughout the night, never feeling like I had enough sleep even if I slept 12+ hours)
- Emotional instability (at one point, I was shocked to realize I had cried every day for a month straight)
- Difficulty making simple decisions (I had to ask my roommate to pick out some meat for me at the grocery store. Grocery shopping was one of my biggest sources of anxiety)
- Apathy towards work and life's passions (to be honest, I really didn't care if the world was going to hell)
- Overall lethargy (it felt like I could never shake the tiredness and I never wanted to go out)
- Relational bankruptcy (I hardly initiated with anyone, didn't pick up the phone, couldn't handle being in crowds or noisy places)
- Loss of self-confidence (I didn't trust my own assessments, thoughts or abilities. I didn't drive for fear of hurting those on the road)
- Stomach discomfort (related to anxiety)
- Sporadic and unfruitful times in the Word
- A long history of overworking and perfectionism
Thankfully, I'm at a place now where I've seen significant progress in most of these areas. I look back and am almost surprised by how dark that time was. It was difficult, it was unexpected, but it was the greatest invitation to life I have yet experienced.
Monday, June 29, 2009
THOUGHTS ON STRUGGLE
As part of my readings for the course I'm taking, I came across this bit on struggle that is rather insightful. It's from Joan D. Chittister's "Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope."
Be blessed.
Be blessed.
There is no one who does not go down into the darkness where the waters do not flow and we starve for want of hope. The life goes out of life and there is nothing left to do but simply follow routine, hoping down deep that we will not really have to go on much longer. It is a sad and barren time.
There is no one who does not have to choose sometime, someway, between giving up and growing stronger as they go along. And yet if we give up in the midst of struggle, we never find out what the struggle would have given us in the end. If we decide to endure it to the end, we come out of it changes by the doing of it. It is a risk of mammoth proportions. We dare the development of the self.
...
Something else I have come to know...: All struggle is not loss. All those who struggle do not give way to depression, or death of the spirit, to dearth of heart. We not only can survive struggle but, it seems, we are meant to survive in new ways, with new insights, with new heart.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL
Last week, I had another vivid dream. Whenever I wake up remembering the contents of my dream, I usually write it down and ask the Lord to show me if there is any significance in it. I believe He does speak to me through my dreams. And more often than not, He gives me insight into what they may possibly mean.
A couple pieces of advice I'd received from someone more familiar with dreams was:
In my dream, I was at some sort of camp or retreat center and our activity for the afternoon was a scavenger hunt of sorts. We were to collect aerosol cans that were hidden throughout the building. We started off. I noticed that some people in the group went very quickly and then lost interest, choosing instead to go back to their rooms and socialize. Others were really slow and hardly found anything. I, on the other hand, went steadily along through every room and managed to find many cans that others had missed. I felt proud of myself for persevering and finding a whole plastic bag full.
Then we gathered to look at the results. As I took the contents of my bag out, I was shocked to see that half of the containers were more like dish detergent containers! They weren't aerosol cans at all!! I felt so confused and embarassed. How did I not see that before?!
As I sat and asked the Lord what this strange scenario could possibly mean, He brought this to mind... Perhaps the aerosol cans represented the tasks that I thought I needed to accomplish: evangelism, worship leading, fellowship leadership, doing well in school, etc. The dish detergent containers were the activities I had been involved in that in retrospect weren't essential and weren't actually in line with who I am created to be. They weren't the things I really wanted to have in my life, if I was honest with myself. (Or I might go as far as to say they weren't things God wanted me to have in my life.)
So even though I perceived myself as diligent and competent (perhaps more than others even), the reality was that I was making work for myself and "putting more in the bag" than was necessary.
Part of my coming to terms with my burnout, now that my former activities are exposed for what they truly were, is that I feel a sense of embarassment and confusion about it. I hadn't realized this about myself before I had this dream. So I think God allowed me to dream this in order to know this about myself.
A couple pieces of advice I'd received from someone more familiar with dreams was:
- Ask yourself, what was the emotion I felt in the dream?
- Remember whatever the content of the dream was, it's about me. (So even if I dream that someone else is sick, it's not about them getting sick, it's about me and my response.)
In my dream, I was at some sort of camp or retreat center and our activity for the afternoon was a scavenger hunt of sorts. We were to collect aerosol cans that were hidden throughout the building. We started off. I noticed that some people in the group went very quickly and then lost interest, choosing instead to go back to their rooms and socialize. Others were really slow and hardly found anything. I, on the other hand, went steadily along through every room and managed to find many cans that others had missed. I felt proud of myself for persevering and finding a whole plastic bag full.
Then we gathered to look at the results. As I took the contents of my bag out, I was shocked to see that half of the containers were more like dish detergent containers! They weren't aerosol cans at all!! I felt so confused and embarassed. How did I not see that before?!
As I sat and asked the Lord what this strange scenario could possibly mean, He brought this to mind... Perhaps the aerosol cans represented the tasks that I thought I needed to accomplish: evangelism, worship leading, fellowship leadership, doing well in school, etc. The dish detergent containers were the activities I had been involved in that in retrospect weren't essential and weren't actually in line with who I am created to be. They weren't the things I really wanted to have in my life, if I was honest with myself. (Or I might go as far as to say they weren't things God wanted me to have in my life.)
So even though I perceived myself as diligent and competent (perhaps more than others even), the reality was that I was making work for myself and "putting more in the bag" than was necessary.
Part of my coming to terms with my burnout, now that my former activities are exposed for what they truly were, is that I feel a sense of embarassment and confusion about it. I hadn't realized this about myself before I had this dream. So I think God allowed me to dream this in order to know this about myself.
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