Sunday, February 8, 2009
AN OBSERVATION ABOUT MYSELF
I realized tonight that at the core of it all, my struggle is to truly believe that God loves me. I find it easier to believe that He loves other people (like Tim, or friends, or even strangers) more than He loves me. Incredible, I know. But I think this is another root of my burnout and tendency to ignore my own needs. It can easily masquerade as "self-sacrifice" but I think some of those decisions come from a place of insecurity rather than freedom in love.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
TREADING WATER
When I was a kid, I took swimming lessons and my least favourite part was when we had to tread water. For some reason, even when I kicked my legs like the instructor showed me, and moved my arms back and forth, I would inevitably start to sink.
This past month felt like I was treading water.
I think it was the combination of learning to manage our home, continue resting and starting to return to work - plus the spiritual battle component - that made it quite challenging. By the last week of January, I was seeing symptoms of depression pop up again. And I knew something had to change.
Thankfully, God helped me take the first step by sending a friend to pray over me. She stood in the gap for me and helped me to stake my claim as a daughter of the King and as one redeemed by the blood of Christ. After that prayer time, the darkness lifted and I had hope again.
Still, I've been evaluating what I can change to prevent myself from a repeat of January. And this is what I will try: instead of going into the office (which is at least an hour commute each day) twice a week, I will work from home for one half day and the office for another half day. I am also taking more initiative to have one-on-one coffee/lunch dates with friends. I will be more intentional about incorporating praise into my prayer times - both in my own times with God and in my prayer times with Tim. And I've decided to be less stingy with my money when it comes to buying flowers. It's incredible how much having flowers in the house lifts my spirits! These are just a few small adjustments I'm making in hopes that I can foster an environment and lifestyle where my soul can continue to heal.
This past month felt like I was treading water.
I think it was the combination of learning to manage our home, continue resting and starting to return to work - plus the spiritual battle component - that made it quite challenging. By the last week of January, I was seeing symptoms of depression pop up again. And I knew something had to change.
Thankfully, God helped me take the first step by sending a friend to pray over me. She stood in the gap for me and helped me to stake my claim as a daughter of the King and as one redeemed by the blood of Christ. After that prayer time, the darkness lifted and I had hope again.
Still, I've been evaluating what I can change to prevent myself from a repeat of January. And this is what I will try: instead of going into the office (which is at least an hour commute each day) twice a week, I will work from home for one half day and the office for another half day. I am also taking more initiative to have one-on-one coffee/lunch dates with friends. I will be more intentional about incorporating praise into my prayer times - both in my own times with God and in my prayer times with Tim. And I've decided to be less stingy with my money when it comes to buying flowers. It's incredible how much having flowers in the house lifts my spirits! These are just a few small adjustments I'm making in hopes that I can foster an environment and lifestyle where my soul can continue to heal.
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