TWO YEARS AND COUNTING

Today is a significant anniversary.  December 13th 2007 was the day I boarded a plane, said a teary goodbye to my life in Asia and entered into the chapter of my life called Burnout Recovery.

Much has happened in these two years; most of it being internal.  I won't list them all today (I'll save that for another post) but I will say that the one change I'm most grateful for is that now, two years later, I am starting to have moments were I can be totally at rest in the presence and love of God. 

Happy two years to me.  =)

THINGS THAT GIVE ME REST

"What do you find restful?" is another question that I am commonly asked.  I thought it might be good to write them down here since many people, in the journey of taking better care of themselves, often wonder what might give them rest.  Keep in mind that this list is coming from someone who is highly introverted.

• sleeping in
• waking up naturally without an alarm
• napping (sleep is important to me, can you tell??)
  
• painting
• reading novels 
• unhurried times with the Lord
• journalling
• doing jigsaw puzzles
• painting my nails (or, as Tim calls it "fuming up the house")
• making myself a special cup of tea
• spending time with my husband
• watching funny movies
• singing
• staying home for a day
• dancing by myself in the living room when no one's home
  
• wearing comfy clothes
• silence
  
• warm showers
• not cooking (this is part of our Sabbath practice; we put it in our budget to eat out that day)
• walking somewhere instead of driving
• lighting candles and watching them flicker
• turning off my computer for the day
• playing board games with my husband
• reading Calvin and Hobbes
  

Some of these things (like jigsaw puzzles) I enjoyed as a child but over the years had slowly forgotten about.  Figuring out what gives me rest has been and continues to be a process for me but the Lord is faithful in helping me understand myself better.

RACING MY TEARS

I can tell when I'm starting to wear thin these days when I get all weepy by nighttime.  Some days, I can feel the tears threatening to break through and I play a little game with them.  I try to get ready for bed and drift off to sleep before the tears trickle out.  Most of the time when I play this game, I lose.  But once in a while I win.  By morning, after a good night's rest, the tears have hidden themselves away again, until the next time I get too tired.

CHURCH

I am learning that there are some days when communing with God looks like a few extra hours of sleep and taking my time with my journal and a cup of tea.  And this on a Sunday morning.

Since burning out, I've explored the idea of Sabbath more seriously.  What does Sabbath look like for me?  What gives me rest and restores my soul?  After a week full of activity, people, prayer, service and communion with others, my need for time alone was greater than my need for being at church.  And so I gave myself permission to stay home with the Lord.

There was a time when this would have been inconceivable. 

I am learning to be kinder to myself.

FITS AND STARTS

For Thanksgiving this year, Tim and I took an extended long weekend getaway and borrowed a friend's cabin on the Sunshine Coast of BC.  We spent the bulk of Saturday in silence and solitude, each taking the day to be with and hear from God.  It wasn't until I finally stilled myself (which took a long time!) that I realized I was all wound up again and actually quite tired.  With all the travelling this summer, adding a second day of work and hosting my in-laws in September, I had slowly been ramping up again without taking adequate rest.  I had forgotten that my priority is still to fill my tank - it's not quite full yet!  And so, I am coming back to a place where my decisions will be based on how much energy it costs me and whether I can afford it.  The road of burnout recovery is full of fits and starts.  But when I observe that even the ocean has high and low tides, I am not dismayed.

AT LAST

Last night before falling asleep, I realized that I was full of anticipation and excitement for my life. It was as if the list of things I was grateful for was endless. My heart felt like it was bursting at the seams with joy! I haven't felt like this in a very, very long time.

Tonight as Tim and I prayed, I spoke with such conviction and energy. Afterward, Tim even commented that he hasn't heard me pray like that in a long time.

I find myself initiating with friends, making more phone calls, wanting to increase my work hours and looking forward to the future.

I think it might be safe to say that God has brought me through the darkness. I am now back in the light. This valley is over. Praise God!

IN LIMBO

What has been
is no longer.
What I hope for
is not yet.