I've heard it said before that the path to Christian maturity is really about one thing. What that thing is is different for each person, but we all have something that comes up again and again; something that mutates and reappears in forms that are at first unrecognizable perhaps but upon further investigation prove to be "that thing" we thought we'd dealt with already. I don't know if I just have one thing, but I do know I have at least a couple things that come up with alarming regularity.
One of those "things" for me is the attachment of my value to my perceived productivity. What do I mean? Well here's a recent example. A few weeks ago over dinner, my husband bravely asked me if I was afraid about how tired I would feel after the baby is born. As soon as I heard his question, tears sprang up into my eyes (and it wasn't just because of pregnancy hormones). I knew his question had touched on something deep that I was reluctant to look at. I told him that yes, I was afraid of becoming super tired again. He wisely suggested that I might do well to process through why I had this fear and to address it before the baby arrived. I didn't know how to go about facing this so before bed that night, I simply offered the question up to God and told him He'd have to help me work through it.
Surprisingly, I had a dream that very night that spoke to my request. In my dream, a friend of mine was driving me to an appointment. She was driving very carefully and slowly and I kept telling her to hurry up. She also didn't know the area so I was giving her directions. All of a sudden, she decided to take a right turn even though I hadn't told her to. That turn took us on a detour through a construction site that required her to drive even more slowly and carefully. My impatience and frustration were at excruciating levels but because she was my friend, I didn't yell at her. I don't remember the end of my dream but I think I eventually made it to my destination.
As I sat with the dream and asked Jesus to help me make sense of it the next day, I saw that when I feel tired, the same emotions of impatience and frustration rise up in me. It's like someone else has control of the vehicle and everything slows down. I saw too that behind those emotions was a desire to control my life - to make sure things were done my way or done, period. Tracing down to the root of all this, I arrived at the shocking conclusion that the reason I wanted things done or done my way was because if things weren't done or done "correctly," I felt less valuable! So here I had this fear of tiredness that was really a masquerade for a false belief that my worth was attached to my performance.
As I've continued this journey to the other side of burnout, I'm learning that some of the root beliefs that affect my behaviour are deeper than I realize. And I pray that in His grace, God would continue to expose these rotting roots and help me establish healthy ones in their place.
1 comment:
i've never "heard it said" until you said it here, but it connects so well with something i've thought for a long time - that we all have that one thing or things that will be a lifelong struggle. it just keeps coming back again and again...and just when i think i've made some gains in that area, some variant on that theme just pops up again. as frustrating as it is, i suppose it's a good thing - that reminder that no matter how much you've matured, you still do always need God.
i've also heard it said that the first step in dealing with a problem is naming it. so well done in naming it (and so bold of you to do so publicly as well!) may you continue to experience His grace as you deal with "it" each day!
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