A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF

I'm reading "The Gift of Being Yourself" by David Benner and in it, he talks about the Enneagram (pr. any-a-gram) as a way of helping people understand themselves. Instead of looking at personality traits, this system looks at 9 different types of core sins that drive people.

Benner says, "The core sins identified by the Enneagram are each associated with a core need. The needs are basic human needs, such as a need for love, for security or for perfection. The sin consists in making these something of ultimate value - that is, making them into God.

• Ones need to be perfect and, discovering that neither they nor anything else in their world is perfect, are tempted by self-righteous anger A good biblical example of this type is Paul.
• Twos need to be loved and needed, and their competence in making this happen sets them up for pride. Martha is a good biblical example of a Two.
• Threes need to be successful and are tempted to deceit, as they do whatever they have to do to avoid failure and appear in the best possible light. Jacob illustrates this type.
• Fours need to be special and are tempted toward envy, escapist fantasy and a compromise of authenticity. Joseph, the Old Testament patriarch, illustrates this type.
• Fives need knowledge, long for fulfillment, and are tempted by greed, stinginess and critical detachment. Thomas, the so-called doubting disciple, fits this pattern.
• Sixes need security and are tempted by fear, self-doubt and cowardice. Timothy is a good example of a Six.
• Sevens need to avoid pain and are tempted by gluttony and intemperance. Solomon is a biblical example of this type.
• Eights need power, self-reliance and opportunities to be against something and are tempted by lust, arrogance and the desire to possess and control others. King Saul is a good illustration of an Eight.
• Nines need to maintain emotional peace and avoid initiative and are tempted by laziness, comfortable illusions and being overly accommodating. Jonah illustrates this type."

As I look through the list, my initial response is that I identify myself with type Three the most. Benner explains though that often the first type we think "fits" is not necessarily the core sin that's beneath all our layers. So I'm asking the Lord to continue showing me what my deepest problem is - even though venturing into those murky waters isn't my favourite idea.

Looking at my burnout through this lense, I can see how trying to keep appearances up and wanting to avoid failure often leads me to say or do things that are not true to what I'm really thinking or feeling. For example, even when I was overworked and tired, I told myself that I was fine and wouldn't admit to needing rest. I would essentially lie to myself - and consequently, to others. I wasn't as well as I would admit to myself.

The point of knowing our core sin is not to try to correct ourselves though. The idea is that as we discover what our true problem is, we can bring it to Jesus and find acceptance there. It may sound wrong to say that Jesus accepts our sin, but it is actually in His acceptance of it that we have freedom from it. Only when believe that we are completely accepted can we begin to experience His redeeming power and have Him change us from the inside out. Because when we can accept His acceptance of us inclusive of our sin, we are released from covering up our "bad parts" or striving to be anything other than who we are. And when we stop striving, He can start working.

FEARS

Being back in Toronto and preparing for a month of seeing a steady stream of people, I've noticed an intense reluctance to move forward in time. The culprit? Fear. I'm afraid that upping my social calendar (from around 3 appointments a week to around 10 apointments a week) will drain me faster than I can replenish my emotional reserves. And if that happens, I'm afraid that I will backslide into the dark abyss and lose everything I've waited so long to regain (notice I said waited, not worked). I guess I'm afraid that somehow, I will inadvertantly prolong my recovery process by entering into this month.

What it comes down to though (as with all fears), is a lack of trust in the Lord. Do I trust that He will give me the energy I need? Do I trust that even if I make all these appointments in faith, He will be sure to cancel the ones He knows are not the right timing for me? Do I believe that God is looking out for me and that I don't need to fend for myself? These are the deeper questions I need to answer.

When I finally choose to trust God, I find the freedom and joy to move forward.