TAKING A DEEP BREATH

Thinking about all that's about to happen this summer, I can easily feel overwhelmed.  The list includes attending a wedding, participating in another wedding, running the whole day for my sister-in-law's wedding, a week of work conferences, keeping up with my studies, a couple of jack and jill parties, trying to expand our financial partnership team, hosting my parents, hosting a couple friends, and our quarterly evaluation/dreaming day... and that's just July!  August entices us with a two-week family holiday to Europe (thankfully most of the planning is done for that already).

As I journalled about my apprehension regarding these coming two months, I was gently reminded to live by faith instead of fear.  Later in the evening, as I was reading, I came across these words:

If we approach life from a stance of scarcity, then we will worry that we won't get our share and will do all we can to acquire whatever we think is necessary to secure our future.  If we believe that there is an abundance, then we will be more ready to share and will not be desperate to stockpile goods or love of whatever for ourselves.  (Joy in Divine Wisdom, Marva J. Dawn, p. 140).

I felt like God was challenging my basic assumptions about my energy.  It was easy for me to think in terms of abundance when I needed to make decisions involving my possessions and money.  But when it came to energy, I realized I was living out of scarcity.  I kept thinking I needed to protect my time and energy.  I was, to an extent, hoarding what I thought I had.

The freedom of the gospel meant that Jesus was (and is) my source for everything - energy included.  I still needed to exercise discernment, but I could do so without fear.  I could look at the list ahead of me and welcome it all with an open heart, knowing that God would take me for a ride and trusting that if it ever became too much, He would arrange for a break for me.

As I talked this over with my spiritual director today, she offered me these words, "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25).  This will be the prayer that I will hold on to in these next two months.

I'm taking a deep breath and diving in!

HEALER

I had another friend come by to visit me today.  I bumped into her on my walk this morning and she's kept me company since. 

This morning I went for a stroll, desperate to see or hear from God.  I just wanted something, anything, to let me know that I wasn't in the fog alone.  As I walked, raindrops began to fall.  What's with this, Lord?  I questioned. It had been sunny a mere hour ago.  Why did it have to rain now, when I was so exposed to the elements and I already felt crummy inside?  I felt like God was mocking me. 

Still, I pressed on.  My footsteps fell to the rhythm of "Lord-have-mer-cy, Christ-have-mer-cy."  I was heading toward my place of solace - the Japanese Garden in our neighbourhood.

I arrived at the garden and stood by a tree, taking in the small waterfall, the rocks and remembering the vibrantly coloured spring flowers that were now gone.  I watched as the raindrops hit the pond, causing circles of ripples to expand and intersect with each other.  The raindrops were falling closer and closer together.  Apparently the cloud overhead needed to unload right then.  Pretty soon the ripples were indistinguishable.  In their place, a very agitated pond surface.  I felt dismayed.  But as I looked, it seemed to me as if the raindrops were dancing.  Someone had choreographed their landing patterns.  And I happened to be there to witness their dance.  Soon, the dance was over and the overlapping circles of ripples returned.  It was time for me to walk back toward home.

Interestingly, as I observed myself walking away, I realized that my soul was now at peace.  I paused to smell the jasmine blossoms and even laughed as a crow very vocally followed me along a hundred feet or so. 

It was as if God cried for me at the garden.  His tears fell on behalf of my pain.  And I, sheltered by a tree, had watched them fall all around me.  No words had been exchanged.  No words were needed.

My friend, Beauty, had shown her face.  And my soul understood.