HERE'S TO FOUR YEARS

I was pleasantly surprised today when I looked at the date of my first post on this blog and realized it was exactly four years ago.  Thinking back, my heart is full of gratitude.  God has indeed brought me a far ways from where I was back then.

Today, I can confidently say that I have walked through the valley to the other side.  One of the clear indications that I have recovered from burnout is that my heart feels like it is ever expanding these days.  I meet people, hear about friends' situations or read the news, and find that each story finds a place in my heart - that I want to pray for these people and wrap the love of Jesus around them.  Four years ago, my heart felt shriveled up and hard like a rock.  I could not see anything beyond myself.

I have been asked what components played a part in my recovery.  Similar to the causes of burnout, the recovery process also consisted of a mixture of factors.  A major one was having supportive family and friends around me.  My parents graciously took me back into their home for over a half a year when I was in the most acute distress.  They made sure I ate well, slept lots and had minimal social engagements.  They also drove me to see my counselor, who was another major factor in my recovery.  For a number of months, one of my best friends and I would meet regularly and we went through the "Be Transformed" workbook by Scope Ministries.  This study, along with her companionship, helped to establish biblical and truthful views of myself.  Many of the books I read were also helpful in giving me ways of understanding myself and teaching me the value of rest.

Taking a year of stress leave from work was key.  It released me from the daily demands of work and allowed me to focus on getting back on my feet.  Attending a church where I was unknown gave me a safe place to interact with God without feeling obligated to update people on how my ministry went or even engage in small talk that was draining for me.

It was also a huge help to me that my boyfriend/fiance (now husband) was extremely supportive and patient with me.  And that those who knew my situation prayed for me.

Above all though, I think what was most healing in my recovery process was the element of time.  It was not easy to wait for things to get better.  And I still cannot say I'm back to the same energy levels as I had pre-burnout.  But time has given me new perspective.  As I have lived this new "normal," I have come to realize that I can accept my limits better now and that God can still use me even if I don't live up to what I think I need to be.

So thank God with me, will you?  For His faithfulness, gentleness and persistence; for His redemptive work and mysterious ways.  For four long and full years on the road towards wholeness, maturity and Life!

WHAT CAUSED THE BURNOUT?

I've often been asked what I think was the cause of my burnout.  My answer:  it's complex.  There were many factors that came into play and I can't give you a simple "It was this" kind of an answer.  But I can trace a few threads that interwove to get me to the point of burning out.

At the deepest level, I think a foundational cause of my burnout was the disbelief that God truly loved me unconditionally.  Something in me thought that I needed to do a certain thing or be a certain way before God could love me.  And so I had a difficult time resting or simply being (I'm still learning and growing in this area).  I would look for the approval of others to affirm that I really was loved.

Another factor that contributed to burnout was a long history of over-involvement and extreme busyness.  By the time I identified that I was burnt out, I had a track record of about 14 years of high-paced living.  Late nights, early mornings, school, church, campus groups, ballet, piano...  I demanded excellence of myself in all these areas.  And I equated productivity with a life well lived.

On top of these factors, in the three years immediately preceding my final breakdown, I was involved in work that was completely incongruent with who I was wired to be.  This was due to a combination of a lack of knowledge of myself and an inability to accept certain aspects of myself.  The job I was working required me to take a lot of initiative with people, constantly be around people, and be part of a team that included several extreme extroverts.  I had trouble accepting that I was an extreme introvert, that I needed more quietness than the average person and that solitude and contemplation were lifelines for me.  I also did not have ample opportunity to develop my creative side or express myself through the arts, which resulted in a piece of my soul withering up over time.  I ended up moving "homes" a lot during that period as well, which was not helpful for someone who needed stability to flourish.

There are probably more factors that led to my burnout, but these are a few of the major ones I have been able to identify so far.