One of my bigger fears as I've walked this road of recovery is running dry and burning out again. This past week, God graciously addressed my fear and allowed me to peer into a bit of His heart.
I was reflecting on the passage traditionally known as "Jesus Feeds the 5,000" and as I observed myself, I noticed that I was feeling progressively angrier as the story went on. Jesus knew His disciples were tired, so why did he plunge them into another day of ministry? And to top it off, He assigned them the impossible task of feeding everyone! What kind of way was that to treat those who'd committed their lives to Him, those whom He loved most? I felt indignant. And perhaps in a small way, I felt like one of the disciples.
I slept on it. The next morning, as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day, my thoughts turned back to the story. What was God trying to say to me? And then I saw it. At the end of the day, after the crowds had ate their fill and everyone was slowly dispersing back to their homes, the disciples gathered up 12 basketfulls of bread and fish. That was one basket of food each! I suspect that as the crowds were eating, the disciples also had a chance to eat. So Jesus essentially not only fed the 5,000, but He fed the 12 - for a whole week.
It became clear to me that Jesus loved His disciples all along. He knew that in asking them to do what they thought was beyond their means, they would be the ones most blessed. In the same way, I can trust that the Lord loves me. And even if (or when) He asks me to stretch beyond my capabilities, He will not let me lose out. In fact, I will emerge having gotten the better end of the deal, so to speak.
Perfect love casts out all fear. How very true.
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