As I was washing dishes this morning, I noticed a significant shift in my inner world. Somehow without me knowing when it started, I had gone back to work! Not the kind of work that pays in dollars and cents. But work that requires much time, attention and investment nonetheless.
I had re-entered the work of intercession.
During my two years overseas, it had become very clear to me that aside from the work I was "paid" to do, I also had the special, on-going, behind-the-scenes work of praying for various people in my life. When I burned out, I had lost my capacity to care for, let alone pray for, others.
How happy I was to notice that a part of me was thinking of and lifting up person after person before the Lord this morning! In my view, interceding for others is just as full-time work as any other type of work that I could do. So I guess this means Happy Back To Work to me!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
EMBRACING THE MYSTERY
Our church is going through a two-part series on grief right now. The guest speaker is sharing from Psalm 16 through the lens of his own loss of his wife to cancer. Last week, he explained that in our society today (especially in the West), we tend to approach our understanding of God and life as this:
Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.
He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.
However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:
Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.
He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.
In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.
As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.
Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.
He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.
However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:
Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.
He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.
In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.
As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
HOW DID I KNOW?
As I've shared my burnout experience with people, the same question is often asked. How did I know it was burnout? What were my symptoms? Well, at first, I didn't know. I thought I was tired and depressed. What made it more difficult to diagnose (and probably also contributed to it surfacing sooner) was that I was living overseas. I thought it was culture shock, or due to moving around so much. The idea of burnout was initially planted in my mind as I was reading an article about it. I was later able to confirm it with the help of friends, colleagues, those who'd gone through it before and a professional counsellor.
Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:
Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:
- Trouble with sleep (waking up throughout the night, never feeling like I had enough sleep even if I slept 12+ hours)
- Emotional instability (at one point, I was shocked to realize I had cried every day for a month straight)
- Difficulty making simple decisions (I had to ask my roommate to pick out some meat for me at the grocery store. Grocery shopping was one of my biggest sources of anxiety)
- Apathy towards work and life's passions (to be honest, I really didn't care if the world was going to hell)
- Overall lethargy (it felt like I could never shake the tiredness and I never wanted to go out)
- Relational bankruptcy (I hardly initiated with anyone, didn't pick up the phone, couldn't handle being in crowds or noisy places)
- Loss of self-confidence (I didn't trust my own assessments, thoughts or abilities. I didn't drive for fear of hurting those on the road)
- Stomach discomfort (related to anxiety)
- Sporadic and unfruitful times in the Word
- A long history of overworking and perfectionism
Thankfully, I'm at a place now where I've seen significant progress in most of these areas. I look back and am almost surprised by how dark that time was. It was difficult, it was unexpected, but it was the greatest invitation to life I have yet experienced.
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