RE-THINKING MISSIONS

Working for and being married to someone who works for a missions organization has often felt like a conundrum these last few years.  How can I actively participate in sharing the gospel with others when I need so much time at home, alone?  I have felt the tension of wanting to go on missions trips (and perhaps even being expected to by some people) and not knowing if I have the capacity to do well on one.

In November, we were at a conference in Toronto for Tim's ministry and I began to wonder whether I should try the one-week project being offered this coming March.  The familiar thoughts went through my head, "You need to take a step of faith."  "You won't experience God until you take a risk."  "There are lost souls waiting for you that only you with your particular set of giftings can reach."  I held the question out before the Lord.

A few days later, I found myself breaking down, exhausted and spent from visiting with friends and family.  I certainly was not thriving there - and I was only halfway through the week!  I plucked up the courage to revisit my question about the mission trip.  If I could barely handle spending a week with people I knew, in a familiar city, speaking my first language, why would I think I could thrive on a mission project?  Then I realized that maybe God had other plans for me.  Maybe "missions" for me did not mean going out there.  Maybe God could use me just as much (possibly more?) when I was in the environment where I thrived best - at home. 

It's an exercise in humility for me to admit my limits and open myself to the possibility that God can work within them.  For sure, I still believe God is able to and may possibly call me to move beyond my natural limits.  But that would be an exception. 

For now, I am choosing to be thankful for the relationships I have with my neighbours.  And I'm asking God how I can live His gospel faithfully while I stay put.

3 YEARS OF DYING & LIVING

Three years ago today, I boarded what I will remember as my "rescue flight" and headed back to Canada after burning out in Asia.  I was considering closing this blog to commemorate the occasion but as I thought about it, I realized I still have content for a few more posts.  So I won't close it for now.  Instead, I will write.

I have died the same deaths many times in the last few years.  My need for achievement, my perfectionist tendencies, the way I keep pushing myself to exhaustion; these old ways of striving have all had to die - over and over and over and over.  And even today, I cannot say they are dead.  Like a trick candle, the flame keeps flickering back.  And I suspect it will continue - for a while yet.

But just as much as I have died, I have also lived.  I have encountered grace in those moments of weakness.  I have experienced love in its limitlessness each time I have caught myself relentlessly straining, and being all spent, flopped back onto Jesus' lap to rest my head on his chest. 

I am learning that it's okay to have this embarrassing trick candle on my cake.  It's part of who I am.  And I suspect it's one of those things that draws out God's affection for me.  Like he's grinning at me and saying, "Oh, Olive..."