Working for and being married to someone who works for a missions organization has often felt like a conundrum these last few years. How can I actively participate in sharing the gospel with others when I need so much time at home, alone? I have felt the tension of wanting to go on missions trips (and perhaps even being expected to by some people) and not knowing if I have the capacity to do well on one.
In November, we were at a conference in Toronto for Tim's ministry and I began to wonder whether I should try the one-week project being offered this coming March. The familiar thoughts went through my head, "You need to take a step of faith." "You won't experience God until you take a risk." "There are lost souls waiting for you that only you with your particular set of giftings can reach." I held the question out before the Lord.
A few days later, I found myself breaking down, exhausted and spent from visiting with friends and family. I certainly was not thriving there - and I was only halfway through the week! I plucked up the courage to revisit my question about the mission trip. If I could barely handle spending a week with people I knew, in a familiar city, speaking my first language, why would I think I could thrive on a mission project? Then I realized that maybe God had other plans for me. Maybe "missions" for me did not mean going out there. Maybe God could use me just as much (possibly more?) when I was in the environment where I thrived best - at home.
It's an exercise in humility for me to admit my limits and open myself to the possibility that God can work within them. For sure, I still believe God is able to and may possibly call me to move beyond my natural limits. But that would be an exception.
For now, I am choosing to be thankful for the relationships I have with my neighbours. And I'm asking God how I can live His gospel faithfully while I stay put.
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