I've often been asked what I think was the cause of my burnout. My answer: it's complex. There were many factors that came into play and I can't give you a simple "It was this" kind of an answer. But I can trace a few threads that interwove to get me to the point of burning out.
At the deepest level, I think a foundational cause of my burnout was the disbelief that God truly loved me unconditionally. Something in me thought that I needed to do a certain thing or be a certain way before God could love me. And so I had a difficult time resting or simply being (I'm still learning and growing in this area). I would look for the approval of others to affirm that I really was loved.
Another factor that contributed to burnout was a long history of over-involvement and extreme busyness. By the time I identified that I was burnt out, I had a track record of about 14 years of high-paced living. Late nights, early mornings, school, church, campus groups, ballet, piano... I demanded excellence of myself in all these areas. And I equated productivity with a life well lived.
On top of these factors, in the three years immediately preceding my final breakdown, I was involved in work that was completely incongruent with who I was wired to be. This was due to a combination of a lack of knowledge of myself and an inability to accept certain aspects of myself. The job I was working required me to take a lot of initiative with people, constantly be around people, and be part of a team that included several extreme extroverts. I had trouble accepting that I was an extreme introvert, that I needed more quietness than the average person and that solitude and contemplation were lifelines for me. I also did not have ample opportunity to develop my creative side or express myself through the arts, which resulted in a piece of my soul withering up over time. I ended up moving "homes" a lot during that period as well, which was not helpful for someone who needed stability to flourish.
There are probably more factors that led to my burnout, but these are a few of the major ones I have been able to identify so far.
1 comment:
I think we briefly talked about your/our burnouts at staff conference once. I was a new staff. Anyways, I stumbled here via your newest blog and saw this post. I can also say that my burnout was rooted in the believe that God didn't love me unconditionally. Interesting. For me it's been about 4 years now, too, and it's incredible to see where God has brought me. I didn't know if I would ever feel normal again!
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