WHEN GOD WANTS SOMETHING DONE

During his sermon yesterday, Bruxy Cavey commented on how the shepherds were just doing their thing and tending their sheep when God announced to them the birth of Jesus. The lesson we can take from this is that we can trust that if God has something to say to us, He'll tell us. We don't need to make ourselves feel something or be something in order to "hear" from God.

This was totally my experience with this whole coming home thing. I was just doing the task at hand when He made it clear that He wanted me to come home. Not only did He give me clearance from HR on both sides of the ocean and support from family and friends, He arranged for someone to take over my room when I left. The one remaining detail was my flight home. It was a most edge-of-your-seat process and I don't want to forget it, so I'm going to include it here.

Something I've learned from past experiences is that when God wants something to happen, He'll pull out all the stops to make it happen. I got the green light to change my flight on a Monday. That day, I called the airline twice. Both times, they said the economy seats were all sold out until Feb 21, 2008(!). I requested to be put on their waiting list for December flights.

On Tuesday, I called the airline again. Same answer. The agent suggested I could look into upgrading to Business class. She sent in a request to see how much that ticket upgrade would cost.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the ocean, my travel agent was trying to pull some strings internally for me. She advised me to ask about upgrading to a higher economy class ticket.

Wednesday, word came back: upgrading to business class would cost $3,300 CAD. (Yeah, right!) No thanks, I said.

On Thursday, the agent explained that there was a possibility to get a more expensive economy class ticket. This was what I was looking for! I felt like this was the breakthrough I'd been waiting for. There were only 4 seats available for Dec 13th. Nothing else. I could buy a one-way ticket for $1000+ CAD, she said. How much would it cost to upgrade my ticket? She didn't know so she put in a request to find out.

Friday (how long was this going to drag on, I wondered), the agent said nothing had changed. After a few agonizing minutes of waiting, she said the answer had come back: $130 CAD and there were only 2 seats left! There it was!!! God pulled through yet again!

Another interesting detail is this: In one of my middle-of-the-night prayers of desperation, I had asked the Lord to give me two weeks notice before I had to leave the country. December 13 was exactly two weeks from when the breakthrough phone call happened. Coincidence? I think not.

EMBRACING WINTER

Niagara Falls, Ontario is known for two things. The first is it's namesake, the thundering cascades of water, one of the great natural wonders of the world. The second, is it's vineyards.

This past weekend, my parents and I took a mini-holiday there. Peering out the window on the drive back, I saw rows upon rows of grape vines. They didn't look like much though. In the wintertime, the bare branches seemed more dead than alive, like twigs hanging limp from the fence. Buried beneath a layer of snow, it's difficult to imagine these fields producing fruit that can be made into award-winning wines.

What struck me most though was that there were no exceptions. Every single plant in those acres of fields had to obey the season. It wasn't like one plant stayed green and remained fruitful while the others dropped their leaves and lay bare. Winter was their time to rest, and they cannot escape it. Neither do they resist it.

In the same way, I think God brings "winters" into every person's life. It cannot be escaped and it best not be resisted.

PROGRESS

I woke up this morning feeling discouraged. I've officially been on "medical leave" for 6 days now and I continue to feel exhausted. High expectations, I know. It hasn't even been a week. But something in me longs to see some sort of hint of progress. Most of my days consist of not doing very much of anything. There would have been a time when I would call myself lazy. I know better than that now.

Anyway, what made it seem worse to me this morning was knowing that all my friends (and the world around me in general) are all busy with Christmas related things. To be honest, I can barely bring myself to even think about Christmas in the sense of festivities and gatherings. Actually, I don't even really want to think about reflecting on Jesus coming to earth. You could say that there's not much "Christmas spirit" in me this year... But I digress.

Back to the idea of progress: I was telling God how I felt about my lack of progress and how stuck in a rut I felt when He gently reminded me, Activity doesn't equal progress. Right. He had me pegged (again). Even if I were well enough to run around like everyone else, it wouldn't necessarily mean I've progressed in God's eyes. And the reverse is true as well.

Will I believe that the work He is doing in me right now is deeper than what I can see? Perhaps Christmas this year will actually be about Immanuel - God with me. God in me.

DESERVING VS. WORTHY (PART 2)

I had a really neat conversation with my dad tonight. He was responding to my previous post about worthiness. I had written that I don't understand why I don't feel my own worth. He gave me this analogy:

Suppose you have a 5 dollar bill and a 10 dollar bill. They are both made of a sheet of paper. Who says how much that paper is worth? Does the bill say how much it's worth? No. The mint, or the creator of the bill, determines how much that slip of paper is worth. Can the bill ever understand how much it's worth? Again, no. It takes a third party to recognize its worth.

In the same way, it is difficult for me to understand my own worth. God, my Creator, has already determined my worth and somehow, it isn't until I can step away from myself and look at myself from the outside that I can start to grasp just how valuable He thinks I am.

Now let's take the 5 dollar bill analogy further: If I hand you a crisp, new and clean 5 dollar bill, how much is it worth? 5 dollars. Now what if I crumple the bill, spit on it and stomp on it a few times? Now how much is it worth? That's right. Still 5 dollars. The worth of an object is given to it from an external source - it's creator.

No matter how I feel or what I've been through, my worth is also determined by external source - my Creator.

RECOVERY

Many people have wished me a speedy recovery. I know that it is with good intentions that they wish me that and I'm grateful for their care. But part of me thinks, I'd rather they wish me a thorough recovery. I suppose thoroughness is implied, but then, why is speed emphasized?

Being unwell is uncomfortable and unpleasant for sure, but sometimes time is not of the essence if grace is to do its work completely.

God just never seems to be in a rush, you know?

DESERVING VS. WORTHY

In his book, "Shame and Grace," Lewis B. Smedes makes an important distinction between deserving grace and being worthy of grace. In essence, as people, we are not deserving of grace. Nothing we can do can earn us God's grace. However, as people, we are worthy of grace. Who we are as His children gives us the worthiness to receive His grace.

I'm still grappling with this idea.

It makes sense when I look at my reaction when I think of an abandoned baby. The injustice I feel toward the situation would insist that the baby deserves a chance at life. What makes this baby deserving though? What has she done to earn it? Perhaps then, this baby isn't deserving of life as much as she is worthy of one. For she is inherently a reflection of the worthiness of her Creator.

Somehow though, I find it so difficult to see that same worthiness in me. Why? I don't know yet.

TAKE THAT, YOU LOSER!

Taken from my journal this morning.

I am taunted by the accuser, "Don't you care that the world is lost and dying?" He tries to heap shame on me.

Honestly, even though I care, or at least I want to care, I do not have the strength to do anything about it right now.

"Do you think God is pleased with your defeatist attitude? Hmmm?"

Well, actually, His pleasure in me is not dependent on whether I can help Him save the world - because even if I was at 100% energy, I still couldn't save the world. That's God's task. And you know what? God cares just as much about saving the lost as He does about healing my soul. It's not like He only has just enough love to get me into His kingdom (although that in itself is amazing already). He continues to care. His love really has no limits.

Pause.

JESUS CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON!

So Satan, you have nothing more to say. I am free from condemnation. God is for me. So there!

Thank You, Jesus. =)

IT'S PERFECT

There are three P's that keep coming up these days: Performance, People-pleasing and Perfectionism. All three are man's standards and not God's. They prevent people from living in the fullness of the freedom offered by the Gospel of grace. The thought has crossed my mind to do a series of posts on these three P's. But today, I will only write about one: Perfectionism.

My roommate here has a habit of looking at the things I do and exclaiming, "It's perfect!" Whether it be walnuts I've chopped for her banana bread, some dish I experimentally served for dinner or a picture I helped her hang on the wall, her most frequent response is that it's perfect. Every time she says that, I silently feel my insides cringe. My mind rattles off an itemized list for why the object at hand is not perfect. I simply struggle to accept that something not up to my unrealistic standards can still be considered perfect.

Reading what God has to say about me, I realize that this applies in a broader sense to how I see myself. I can list a jillion reasons why I am not perfect, but amazingly, the Bible tells me that because of Christ, I am perfect. Hebrews 10:14 says, "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy." Wow. Not only am I counted as perfect. I'm counted perfect forever. I don't get this grace.