ROAD SIGNS

5 little signs of improvement in me these days (Yah!):

I actually answer the phone now.

I have slept through the night for 3 out of the last 5 nights. (The first time in a few months.)

I have moments of feeling bored. (heh heh)

I find myself thinking of random people and praying for them.

I'll initiate conversations with friends online, sometimes.

And 4 signs that tell me I'm not there yet:

I still don't trust myself to drive a car.

5 minutes of chit chat in a room full of people immediately depletes me.

Stomach pains. =(

I feel like I could nap all day every day.

A good friend asked me today what it would look like for me to be back to "normal." I've been thinking about that, actually. What if this low energy is to stay with me for the rest of my life? Or if I'll have sleeping problems from now on? What if I never recover from these stomach aches? Does that mean my life will be on hold indefinitely? I don't think so.

I think that I'll know I'm better when my heart and soul are healed. When I am less bound by what people think of me. When I am more secure in my identity in Christ. I have a feeling I might never make it to 100% on this side of eternity but my heart will know when it's time to take the next step and get moving again. I am confident that God will make it clear when the time comes. And His grace will be enough to cover what I still lack.

RESOLVING GOOD AND BAD

I picked up Hiding from Love by Dr. John Townsend again after letting it sit on my bookshelf for a long while. Came across this section tonight that shed a lot of light on my struggle with accepting both the good parts and the bad parts of myself.

We have a need to accept the bad parts of ourselves and the world. This need is important because it helps us bring our own badness to a place of forgiveness. Our imperfect characteristics need to be brought into connection with God and others. What we fail to keep in relationship stays unforgiven and broken.
Our "forgiveness muscle" can be injured in many ways:

A perfectionistic environment, or one in which failure is a cause for shame, can keep our goodness and badness split apart.

Relationships and families that overstress the "excellent" parts of people, at the expense of the "mediocre" parts, discourage us from accepting our imperfections and bringing them to Christ.

Over-positive environments that keep us from legitimate grief can also keep our badness hidden.

Idealistic denial is a characteristic of some families who keep their members stuck in a naive position.

Another section that I could identify with was one of the defensive behaviour styles called the "Self-attacking style" or "Turning against the self."

In this style of internal hiding from separateness, the aggression that can't be "owned" is redirected against the self. It becomes more acceptable to hate ouselves than to tell the truth about our rage at the sin of others against us.

In Christian circles, especially, the self-attacking style is often culturally rewarded. This is due to the fact that it's easy for people who are self-deprecating to be seen as spiritual, or under great conviction. The truth is, they are actually lying about their protest against injury.

It's also easy to mistake this hiding pattern as a defense. Since the hurting person seems to be openly dealing with his weakness, it appears that there is no concealment. At closer inspection, however, it's apparent that what the person is hiding is his actual separate, differentiated, justice-loving angry parts. [emphasis mine]

I had often wondered why I didn't often identify "anger" as an emotion in my life. I think I'm starting to see that it's been showing up in alternate ways. And I hope by God's grace, that I'll learn to bring those hidden parts out into the open and learn to tell the truth about myself.

I'm thankful I bought this book. It's proving to be a very helpful gem. =)

ARKY ARKY

I found someone who would understand and serves as a model for what it feels like to wait and wait and wait for the "go" from God.

He spent 12 and a half months (that's over a year!) stuck inside a big boat with his immediate family and a zoo of animals. The first 40 days were relatively eventful with storms raging on outside and needing to adjust to the close quarters and getting over seasickness. The next 4 months probably felt like they were settling into a routine as they drifted around and got familiar with the animals (although I think they were probably feeling a little claustrophobic by then). Then, one day, they suddenly felt a jolt. Their boat hit a rock and they'd stopped moving! A glimmer of hope.

But now the real waiting started. It took another 7 and a half months before the ground was dry. I suspect Noah and everyone else were more than eager to get out of there. Day after day after day, all they could do was stay put and wait for God to do His work of drying up the water. They couldn't hurry it up even if they tried. No wonder he sent both a raven and a dove to check on the progress.

To Noah's credit, even when he saw that it was dry enough to leave, he didn't move until he heard the word from God. Here was a man whose patience was grown out of trial.

Reflecting on Noah's experience, I am encouraged. Akin to him, I feel grateful for being spared from the destruction of the flood. But I have to admit I feel restless on the boat. I'm waiting for the water to dry - and I can't make it dry any quicker! Hopefully, by God's grace, I will learn from his example though and wait for the "go" from the Lord before I try to get out of the boat - even if the circumstances seem to be right.

Of course, I'm also extremely grateful I'm not living in a boat full of animals. =)

NO NEED TO EXPLAIN

In a conversation with Tim last week, he mentioned something about not needing to seek approval from people or defend his choices. I realized at that moment that somehow, God has released me from just that. I no longer feel like I need to explain myself to people when I know what God is asking of me. The magnitude of that chain being broken is huge for me.

Although that's a victory that I celebrate, I'm sobered by the knowledge that I'm not completely free yet. Deep down, I still seek the approval of God. There's something in me that does not accept His full acceptance of me. So I continue to strive.

More and more, my prayer is for grace. I need His grace to help me accept that I'm acceptable and even more, that I'm accepted.

BELIEVING GRACE

I came across this list of contrasts in The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll. The list is from Dr. Earl Heslin.

SHAME BASED SPIRITUALITY	HEALTHY SPRITUALITY
1. Having problems is sin.	1. Problems are a part of my human condition. I can bring the to God and my fellow Christians.
2. Emotions are sinful.	2. Emotions are neither good nor bad. It's what I do with them. "Be angry and sin not."
3. Compulsive disease is sinful.	3. There is a difference between disease and sinful behaviour.
4. Having fun is sinful.	4. There are many different ways to delight in God's goodness.
5. Spirituality = Perfection.	5. Living within grace not legalism.
6. Sexuality = Sin.	6. Sexuality is a part of who we are as people and is to be enjoyed.
7. Success (or its lack) is sinful.	7. Prosperity or poverty is not due to deficient spirituality.
8. Becoming a Christian fixes everything within me.	8. Accepting Christ in my life enables and empowers me to face issues.
9. If I am not healed it is due to my lack of faith.	9. Having illness is not a sin. I can avail myself of the best treatment possible.
10. Not being able to think of a clever 10th item may mean I'm not being led by God	10. God probably likes the number 9 just as well.

THE GRACE KILLERS

Recently, I read in The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll, that there are two human tendencies that keep us from being grace-filled people. If I am a grace-filled person, I can accept myself as I am and I can also accept other people for who they are. The two tendencies that keep me from being grace-filled are: 1. comparison and 2. control.

Comparing myself with others keeps me from accepting myself as I am. As I compare, I am drawn to think and perhaps even believe that I am not good enough, or that I am better than others.

Attempting to control others keeps me from accepting others as they are. If I'm always thinking that they should be doing such and such or acting a certain way, I am not giving them the grace to be who they are.

In a way, I think that being grace-filled is a sign of emotional maturity. An emotionally mature person is sure enough of themselves that they are able to give others (and themselves) the freedom to be just as they are.

Being grace-filled is also a sign of a spiritually mature person. Because when someone truly believes that God is in control and has a handle on each person's journey, there is no need to compare and no need to control. God will take care of both my own growth and the growth of others.

I don't think I'm there yet, but that's what I want to be.

CURRENT STATUS: RUT

It's been a while since I updated.

I guess I feel like I've been in a rut this past month. Physically, I haven't made much progress in terms of sleeping better or getting my digestive system into order. Emotionally, I'm feeling a bit more stable, but I still struggle to have much energy to connect with people. Spiritually, I really don't know. I wrote in my journal yesterday that I feel like my soul is in a coma. I'm still reading the Word but it's not sticking. I'm listening to talks and reading books but it's only filling up my head. There's a disconnect somewhere and don't know what solution it is that I'm waiting for.

I had lunch with a childhood friend today and we had a great time talking and laughing. She reminded me that I need to make sure to have fun. Right. I forget that word exists. How sad! We also talked about all the evidence we have that God loves us and people around us love us. And I came to a place again where I had trouble believing it. I thought I had resolved that already...

How long will this last? Only God knows. I can only remind myself that my hope is in Him alone and not in getting better.

FAINEANT

faineant \fay-nay-AWN\, [from dictionary.com]
adjective:
1. Doing nothing or given to doing nothing; idle; lazy.
noun:
1. A do-nothing; an idle fellow; a sluggard.

As much as I want to do nothing during this time of rest, I must say, I'm still a very ambitious nothing-doer. Definitely not faineant. Along with three other books, I started reading David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, my mom and I have been cooking up lots of yummy things, my mind remains full of ideas for blogging and sleep occupies almost half of my 24 hours each day. On top of that, I still want to break out my paints (I found a once-a-week watercolour class nearby), put a puzzle together and hang out with my closest friends. It's like I don't have enough hours in a day to have all the fun I want. ;)

A friend of mine who similarly struggles in this area of doing nothing sent me this passage recently. I think it's great perspective. It's by John Piper speaking about Philippians:

Held by Him, Reaching for Him Together

Then in verse 12, Paul gives one of my favorite statements in all the Bible, because it helps me put the fight of faith in the context of absolute assurance. He says: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” I don’t coast. I don’t drift. Christ is too precious for that. I press on. I strive. I reach. I long. I ache. I yearn to obtain the fullness and perfection of the presence of Jesus. Why? Because I don’t know if I am his? No. Because he has already made me his own. I reach for him because I am held by him. I press into him because he has enclosed me with unbreakable bands of love. This is what it means to treasure Christ together. And we help each other press on in this way—with this assurance.

How magnificently freeing!