(un)EXPECTED VISITOR

I have a friend.  I haven't seen her for a while now.  She tends to come and go as she pleases.  Once in a while, she will drop in, stay a while and leave when she thinks she's kept me company for long enough.  Whenever she's around, my days need to be re-organized.  Hers is a quiet sort of demanding.

Most people don't understand her.  And most of the time, if I'm honest, neither do I.  Most people are also afraid of her.  I don't think that I am anymore.  But if I was, it would only be the slightest amount.  You see, she's quite gentle.  Her footsteps are light.  So light, in fact, that I usually don't notice her arrival until she's settled comfortably in my home.  That's how she arrived this time, anyway.  Perhaps it's her unpredictability and mysteriousness that frightens people.

She has her reasons for visiting, I know.  I actually think she has a direct line to God and He's the one who usually tells her when to come.  Some people see her as an unwelcome intruder, and some days when she's around, I think so too.  But she never comes without at least a few gifts for me.  So I'm learning not to resist her presence.

When she's around, my capacity for working is diminished; I need more sleep and I have trouble concentrating on certain tasks.  This means that I need to be mindful of my energy and be careful in what I choose to do or not do.  It also means that I am brought face to face with my limitations and weaknesses, which makes me re-examine where my identity and value lie.   These are some of the gifts she brings.

When she's around, I also feel a certain pervasive sadness.  This means I need to find what is life-giving and make space for those things.  I cry more easily.  The sadness is one way she helps me to enter into the grief of the world.  I might feel alone, but in actuality, I am sharing in the experience of humanity.  Her presence means that I must make room for rest and renewal.  She invites me to press closer into the bosom of Christ, who is the God of all comfort.  These, too, are the gifts she brings.

The greatest gift from her, I think, is humility.  She humbles me like nothing else.  From her, I am reminded that my limited capacity is not only a good thing, it's perfect.  And that my value comes from being a beloved creature of the Creator.

What is her name, you might ask?  Some call her Depression.  But today, I'd like you to meet my friend.

NOTES FROM MY COUNSELLOR

I was cleaning out my desk tonight and came across a couple sticky-notes from my counselling appointments when I was still figuring out how to cope with my limited energy and planning a move across the country as well as a wedding.  Since I have no where else to put the notes, I'll just type them up here and maybe it'll be helpful to someone.

Concern #1:  How will moving across the country affect me?

• there are three elements to settling into a new place: recovery, adjusting and re-investing

Concern #2:  How do I survive the wedding?

• get as much rest as possible before the wedding
• the rehearsal dinner might be challenging; figure out a contingency plan for me to leave early (also for family/out-of-town dinner after the ceremony)
• be seated for the receiving line?

Concern #3:  What about the honeymoon?

• there is a recovery phase we have to allow for when capacity will be minimal; plan for lots of rest

Concern #4:  How do I know I'm ready to go back to work?  How can I think about this in small steps?

• practice musing:  a non-pressured, no deadline type of thinking about the future
• ask myself: what captures my heart?
• take steps to build my confidence; eg, try specific projects or experiences rather than take on entire roles

And one final thought:  there are two types of encouragement, one is from the side and one is from out front.  The more helpful kind is the side-by-side kind.

IN THE NAME OF NOBILITY

I have been thoroughly enjoying "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer.  It is a book about finding one's true vocation through listening to one's own life and personhood.

I especially appreciated his insights about depression and burnout.  It's so good that I wanted to share it with you!  To give some context for the following quote, Palmer has been telling the story of an opportunity he had to be a president of a school.  As he and his trusted friends gathered to discern whether he should take it, it emerged rather humourously that his motive for taking the position was only to get his name in the paper.

The ecological theory of life, the theory of limits, works wonderfully well with situations like this:  my nature makes me unfit to be president of anything, and therefore - if I stay true to what I know about myself - I will die having avoided a fate that for me would be worse than death. 

But what happens to the theory of limits when what I want to do is not to get my picture in the paper but to meet some human need?  What happens to that theory when my vocational motive is virtous: to be a teacher from whom students can learn or a counselor who helps people find themselves or an activist who sets injustice right?... There are some things I "ought" to do or be that are simply beyond my reach.  If I try to be or do something noble that has nothing to do with who I am, I may look good to others and to myself for a while.  But the fact that I am exceeding my limits will eventually have consequences.  ...

One sign that I am violating my own nature in the name of nobility is a condition called burnout.  Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess - the ultimate in giving too little!  Burnout is a state of emptiness, to be sure, but it does not result from giving all I have:  it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place.  (pp. 46, 47, 49, italics mine)

I have been thinking about the idea that burnout and depression are really two forms of identity crises.  Reading Palmer's thoughts sways me further toward that conclusion.

MY FIRST AND GREATEST TASK

My first and greatest task these days is to know myself as deeply and completely loved by the Trinity.

I used to think that I was here to change the world; that the greater impact I had for Christ, the greater the glory God would get.  I have since learned that the path to greatest glory for God would be that I lived my life in obedience to Him; that I fully lived out my true self-in-Christ.  Whether my life impacts millions or whether it impacts one, that is up to God.  If He chooses to raise me up, or if He chooses to keep me unknown, it is in His wisdom.

So my ambition now is to know Him who beckons me so that I may respond to His desires for me.  This approach releases me from the pressure to make my life count for something.  Because if I am being attentive and obedient, my life could not count for more - no matter what else I did.

HOW GRACE AND WORK FIT TOGETHER

For a long time, I had wondered about the relationship between grace and work.  If it's all by grace, what is the point of working hard?

Yesterday, I heard the answer:

Grace is not opposed to effort, 
grace is opposed to earning.
~Ken Shigematsu quoting Dallas Willard

Thus, instead of being a means of earning God's favour, my hard work becomes a means of experiencing God's grace.  Knowing this gives me great motivation to give my best to whatever God's called me to.  And it calms my fears that putting in more effort will cut me off from grace.  It is not an either/or situation, it's a both/and situation.  Grace and effort do co-exist.  It's grace and earning that don't.

EXTRAVAGANT

[edit: I just realized I already posted this on my other blog.  Oops!  Oh well... :) ]

Back in December, work pressure had been slowly building up and I'd found myself fighting to see myself as valuable apart from my work.  One such morning, I sat there desperate before the Lord.  I prayed that He would help me see myself as He saw me.

I was surprised when the text that came to mind was Matthew 13:44, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."  What did that have to do with my question? I wondered.

As I sat there with the text, it suddenly made sense.  I had always taken the verse to mean that we are to be like the man who sells it all for the joy of finding the gospel.  I suddenly realized that the man in the story is not us.  The man in the story is God!  We are the treasure that He finds and gives up everything to acquire!  The parable was about God and His heart towards us!  We are the field that He sees the value hidden in and He already gave everything He had in order to buy us.

It makes me think about my response as one who claims to follow Him.  Do I look at each person I encounter and see their hidden treasure?  Would I pull out all the stops to let these people know how valuable they are?

I am God's treasure.  How amazing is that?!

SEEKING A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE

Something I've noticed in myself and as I've chatted with various people who've gone through the burnout process is that quite often, a person will want to find new ways of experiencing and relating to God.  Their relationship to God becomes part and parcel of the complete overhaul that is happening in the rest of their life.

In my own journey these past two plus years, I've come across some very life-giving practices in the areas of prayer and scripture reading.  I'll be the first to admit that I am a complete novice at this and I've only just begun to dip my toe in the ocean.  But I'll share a few favourites from what I have learned so far in hopes that maybe one of these approaches would be of help to a fellow journeyer along the path towards encountering Christ.  You may notice differences between these practices I am going to list and those of the "normal" evangelical tradition: the prayer doesn't necessarily involve speaking to God and the scripture reading engages the imagination.

• Centering Prayer:  This has become a beloved practice to me as many times it's helped still the incessant chatter in my soul and mind (it is also sometimes called a breath prayer).  Start by sitting in a comfortable chair, close your eyes, let your body relax and notice your breathing.  Choose a word or phrase that you associate with calmness to "center" yourself upon (eg, Jesus, peace) - personally I've been using the phrase "Be still".  In rhythm of your inhale and exhale, think of your word or phrase - so in my case, inhale would correspond to "be" and exhale would correspond to "still".  As you fall into the rhythm of your breathing, picture yourself in a serene place and become attentive to the love of God surrounding you. A helpful image for me has been to picture myself as a rock with the stream of God's love flowing all around me.  If distracting thoughts arise (which they will!), simply let them go (I picture them floating by on little leaves) and come back to your word/phrase. The "goal" of this prayer is for your soul to become quiet and aware of the presence and love of God around you.
  

• Imaginative reading:  This practice is wonderful especially for getting to know Jesus in the gospels.  The idea behind this is that just as friends get to know each other through shared experiences, we can get to know Jesus by sharing experiences with him through our imagination.  Pick a passage, read it slowly, and read it as many times as you want.  As you read, picture yourself in the scene.  Notice Jesus - his tone of voice, his body language, his responses.  Notice those around you.  Notice yourself - who are you in the scene?  what are you feeling?  what do you learn about yourself?  about Jesus?

• Lighting a candle:  The gesture of lighting a candle and acknowledging the light of Christ with you is a simple way of reminding yourself visually that God is with you as you spend time with Him.  Personally, I have created a space for myself consisting of a comfortable chair, and next to it a small table on which is a nice looking tablecloth, a candle and a green plant.  I often keep my bible and journal on this table as well.  This is my "quiet place" where I go to to reconnect with the love of God most mornings.

Since burning out, my former habit of very structured bible reading and prayer times has pretty much gone out the window.  In its place, my times with God have become more organic and engage deeper parts of myself.  I still think there is a place for disciplined times with the Lord, but I also believe that for those in this season of recovery, less is really more.