EMBRACING THE MYSTERY

Our church is going through a two-part series on grief right now. The guest speaker is sharing from Psalm 16 through the lens of his own loss of his wife to cancer. Last week, he explained that in our society today (especially in the West), we tend to approach our understanding of God and life as this:

Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.

He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.

However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:

Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.

He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.

In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.

As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.

HOW DID I KNOW?

As I've shared my burnout experience with people, the same question is often asked. How did I know it was burnout? What were my symptoms? Well, at first, I didn't know. I thought I was tired and depressed. What made it more difficult to diagnose (and probably also contributed to it surfacing sooner) was that I was living overseas. I thought it was culture shock, or due to moving around so much. The idea of burnout was initially planted in my mind as I was reading an article about it. I was later able to confirm it with the help of friends, colleagues, those who'd gone through it before and a professional counsellor.

Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:

• Trouble with sleep (waking up throughout the night, never feeling like I had enough sleep even if I slept 12+ hours)
• Emotional instability (at one point, I was shocked to realize I had cried every day for a month straight)
• Difficulty making simple decisions (I had to ask my roommate to pick out some meat for me at the grocery store. Grocery shopping was one of my biggest sources of anxiety)
• Apathy towards work and life's passions (to be honest, I really didn't care if the world was going to hell)
• Overall lethargy (it felt like I could never shake the tiredness and I never wanted to go out)
• Relational bankruptcy (I hardly initiated with anyone, didn't pick up the phone, couldn't handle being in crowds or noisy places)
• Loss of self-confidence (I didn't trust my own assessments, thoughts or abilities. I didn't drive for fear of hurting those on the road)
• Stomach discomfort (related to anxiety)
• Sporadic and unfruitful times in the Word
• A long history of overworking and perfectionism

Thankfully, I'm at a place now where I've seen significant progress in most of these areas. I look back and am almost surprised by how dark that time was. It was difficult, it was unexpected, but it was the greatest invitation to life I have yet experienced.

THOUGHTS ON STRUGGLE

As part of my readings for the course I'm taking, I came across this bit on struggle that is rather insightful. It's from Joan D. Chittister's "Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope."

Be blessed.

There is no one who does not go down into the darkness where the waters do not flow and we starve for want of hope. The life goes out of life and there is nothing left to do but simply follow routine, hoping down deep that we will not really have to go on much longer. It is a sad and barren time.

There is no one who does not have to choose sometime, someway, between giving up and growing stronger as they go along. And yet if we give up in the midst of struggle, we never find out what the struggle would have given us in the end. If we decide to endure it to the end, we come out of it changes by the doing of it. It is a risk of mammoth proportions. We dare the development of the self.

...

Something else I have come to know...: All struggle is not loss. All those who struggle do not give way to depression, or death of the spirit, to dearth of heart. We not only can survive struggle but, it seems, we are meant to survive in new ways, with new insights, with new heart.

MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL

Last week, I had another vivid dream. Whenever I wake up remembering the contents of my dream, I usually write it down and ask the Lord to show me if there is any significance in it. I believe He does speak to me through my dreams. And more often than not, He gives me insight into what they may possibly mean.

A couple pieces of advice I'd received from someone more familiar with dreams was:

1. Ask yourself, what was the emotion I felt in the dream?
2. Remember whatever the content of the dream was, it's about me. (So even if I dream that someone else is sick, it's not about them getting sick, it's about me and my response.)

I applied this advice to my dream and I was surprised to discover another angle from which to look at my burnout.

In my dream, I was at some sort of camp or retreat center and our activity for the afternoon was a scavenger hunt of sorts. We were to collect aerosol cans that were hidden throughout the building. We started off. I noticed that some people in the group went very quickly and then lost interest, choosing instead to go back to their rooms and socialize. Others were really slow and hardly found anything. I, on the other hand, went steadily along through every room and managed to find many cans that others had missed. I felt proud of myself for persevering and finding a whole plastic bag full.

Then we gathered to look at the results. As I took the contents of my bag out, I was shocked to see that half of the containers were more like dish detergent containers! They weren't aerosol cans at all!! I felt so confused and embarassed. How did I not see that before?!

As I sat and asked the Lord what this strange scenario could possibly mean, He brought this to mind... Perhaps the aerosol cans represented the tasks that I thought I needed to accomplish: evangelism, worship leading, fellowship leadership, doing well in school, etc. The dish detergent containers were the activities I had been involved in that in retrospect weren't essential and weren't actually in line with who I am created to be. They weren't the things I really wanted to have in my life, if I was honest with myself. (Or I might go as far as to say they weren't things God wanted me to have in my life.)

So even though I perceived myself as diligent and competent (perhaps more than others even), the reality was that I was making work for myself and "putting more in the bag" than was necessary.

Part of my coming to terms with my burnout, now that my former activities are exposed for what they truly were, is that I feel a sense of embarassment and confusion about it. I hadn't realized this about myself before I had this dream. So I think God allowed me to dream this in order to know this about myself.

JESUS FEEDS THE TWELVE

One of my bigger fears as I've walked this road of recovery is running dry and burning out again. This past week, God graciously addressed my fear and allowed me to peer into a bit of His heart.

I was reflecting on the passage traditionally known as "Jesus Feeds the 5,000" and as I observed myself, I noticed that I was feeling progressively angrier as the story went on. Jesus knew His disciples were tired, so why did he plunge them into another day of ministry? And to top it off, He assigned them the impossible task of feeding everyone! What kind of way was that to treat those who'd committed their lives to Him, those whom He loved most? I felt indignant. And perhaps in a small way, I felt like one of the disciples.

I slept on it. The next morning, as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day, my thoughts turned back to the story. What was God trying to say to me? And then I saw it. At the end of the day, after the crowds had ate their fill and everyone was slowly dispersing back to their homes, the disciples gathered up 12 basketfulls of bread and fish. That was one basket of food each! I suspect that as the crowds were eating, the disciples also had a chance to eat. So Jesus essentially not only fed the 5,000, but He fed the 12 - for a whole week.

It became clear to me that Jesus loved His disciples all along. He knew that in asking them to do what they thought was beyond their means, they would be the ones most blessed. In the same way, I can trust that the Lord loves me. And even if (or when) He asks me to stretch beyond my capabilities, He will not let me lose out. In fact, I will emerge having gotten the better end of the deal, so to speak.

Perfect love casts out all fear. How very true.

A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF

I'm reading "The Gift of Being Yourself" by David Benner and in it, he talks about the Enneagram (pr. any-a-gram) as a way of helping people understand themselves. Instead of looking at personality traits, this system looks at 9 different types of core sins that drive people.

Benner says, "The core sins identified by the Enneagram are each associated with a core need. The needs are basic human needs, such as a need for love, for security or for perfection. The sin consists in making these something of ultimate value - that is, making them into God.

• Ones need to be perfect and, discovering that neither they nor anything else in their world is perfect, are tempted by self-righteous anger A good biblical example of this type is Paul.
• Twos need to be loved and needed, and their competence in making this happen sets them up for pride. Martha is a good biblical example of a Two.
• Threes need to be successful and are tempted to deceit, as they do whatever they have to do to avoid failure and appear in the best possible light. Jacob illustrates this type.
• Fours need to be special and are tempted toward envy, escapist fantasy and a compromise of authenticity. Joseph, the Old Testament patriarch, illustrates this type.
• Fives need knowledge, long for fulfillment, and are tempted by greed, stinginess and critical detachment. Thomas, the so-called doubting disciple, fits this pattern.
• Sixes need security and are tempted by fear, self-doubt and cowardice. Timothy is a good example of a Six.
• Sevens need to avoid pain and are tempted by gluttony and intemperance. Solomon is a biblical example of this type.
• Eights need power, self-reliance and opportunities to be against something and are tempted by lust, arrogance and the desire to possess and control others. King Saul is a good illustration of an Eight.
• Nines need to maintain emotional peace and avoid initiative and are tempted by laziness, comfortable illusions and being overly accommodating. Jonah illustrates this type."

As I look through the list, my initial response is that I identify myself with type Three the most. Benner explains though that often the first type we think "fits" is not necessarily the core sin that's beneath all our layers. So I'm asking the Lord to continue showing me what my deepest problem is - even though venturing into those murky waters isn't my favourite idea.

Looking at my burnout through this lense, I can see how trying to keep appearances up and wanting to avoid failure often leads me to say or do things that are not true to what I'm really thinking or feeling. For example, even when I was overworked and tired, I told myself that I was fine and wouldn't admit to needing rest. I would essentially lie to myself - and consequently, to others. I wasn't as well as I would admit to myself.

The point of knowing our core sin is not to try to correct ourselves though. The idea is that as we discover what our true problem is, we can bring it to Jesus and find acceptance there. It may sound wrong to say that Jesus accepts our sin, but it is actually in His acceptance of it that we have freedom from it. Only when believe that we are completely accepted can we begin to experience His redeeming power and have Him change us from the inside out. Because when we can accept His acceptance of us inclusive of our sin, we are released from covering up our "bad parts" or striving to be anything other than who we are. And when we stop striving, He can start working.

FEARS

Being back in Toronto and preparing for a month of seeing a steady stream of people, I've noticed an intense reluctance to move forward in time. The culprit? Fear. I'm afraid that upping my social calendar (from around 3 appointments a week to around 10 apointments a week) will drain me faster than I can replenish my emotional reserves. And if that happens, I'm afraid that I will backslide into the dark abyss and lose everything I've waited so long to regain (notice I said waited, not worked). I guess I'm afraid that somehow, I will inadvertantly prolong my recovery process by entering into this month.

What it comes down to though (as with all fears), is a lack of trust in the Lord. Do I trust that He will give me the energy I need? Do I trust that even if I make all these appointments in faith, He will be sure to cancel the ones He knows are not the right timing for me? Do I believe that God is looking out for me and that I don't need to fend for myself? These are the deeper questions I need to answer.

When I finally choose to trust God, I find the freedom and joy to move forward.