CONNECTION

This morning I was reading about Law, Legalism and Standards in Be Transformed. What pegged me was the part on standards and how I've been living my life according to many standards I've taken on over the years.

A breakthrough moment came though when I asked the Lord to show me where guilt has been a driving force in my life. He showed me that the inexplicable sense of connection I have every time I read the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman (the one where He writes in the sand while her accusers slink away and then He tells her He doesn't condemn her) is the sense of guilt and shame. That unnamed woman and I are sisters in a sense.

I think I'm so used to the guilt that I can't really see it anymore. I think I need help to see myself as God sees me: the light parts, the dark parts and all the shadows in between.

BROTHER

This morning, I was going through a chapter in Be Transformed on the topic of God as our Father. As I read the passages, the reality sunk in that Jesus’ death and resurrection not only saved us from eternity apart from God, it gave us the position of being adopted children of God. This means that in the Father’s eyes, I am His daughter just as much as Jesus is His Son. I am not a second-rate child. How God the Father sees Jesus is how He sees me. Usually, when I think of Jesus relationship with His Father, I don’t dare to hope that I could have the same closeness with God. But in light of this truth, I realize that the same intimate Father-child relationship Jesus exemplified while he walked the earth is available for me! It’s incredible to think that this is possible, let alone true. And it’s awesome to know that the Father is always at work, moving me toward that degree of intimacy with Him. I don’t have an earthly brother, but thinking about Jesus in this light gives me a new understanding of the family relationship.

THE BODY-MIND CONNECTION

As part of my action steps toward healing, I have been told to incorporate physical exercise into my life at least 4 times a week. I got a gym membership and while I love attending classes like kick-boxing and hip hop, I've discovered that I also really enjoy the elliptical machine. It's like running, but without the impact on my shins and knees. I asked an instructor here what the machine is called in the local language. Translation: outer-space machine. Rationale: it looks like you're running without gravity.

Anyway, so the last couple times, I've managed to run for 40 minutes at a pace of between 53-70 RPMs. Today, as I was running my heart out while listening to a Bruxy Cavey talk about compassion work in Africa, I noticed that in the next room, there were two overweight men working out with their personal trainers. My mind wandered from Africa and I looked around at the gym full of people. Most people I figure are there for their body's sake - they want to get physically fit. It was interesting to think that I was there more for my mind and my heart.

A good friend of mine reminded me yesterday that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That means that our body-mind-soul are intricately connected. So it's actually not strange that sweating it out is actually good for my soul. God knows what He's talking about. ;)

TAKE ME AS I AM

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

(Chorus)
I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say
I need You
That's all
I need You

"Take me as I am" - Nichole Nordeman

A friend asked me if I'm okay. I'm not. Is that okay?

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I went to the beach today. It looked like how I felt. The waves were tumultuous and rough and the sand was all dug up, exposing the shells and garbage usually buried deep underneath the surface.

Here's a tangent: What other country renovates their beaches?!

CONTEXT

About a month and a half ago, I was given the assignment of typing up an article entitled Emotional Fatigue (email me if you’d like a copy). As I typed, I saw many of the patterns described present in my own life. It almost felt as if I was typing about myself!

The article addressed the tendency of many Christian workers to overwork themselves and find themselves totally depleted emotionally. At first, I thought I couldn’t possibly be a candidate for this, as I was only just starting my fourth year of ministry since graduating from university. I’m so young, I thought, there’s no way this could be my problem. Perhaps I was just tired from the last 12 months of transitions.

It wasn’t until I read about one example of a young woman who had started serving in high school, continued in university and found herself in trouble by the time she started full-time ministry that it hit me: Life needs to be looked at in context.

My context was that I have been actively involved in church leadership, school ministry and extracurricular activities on top of maintaining top grades for longer than I had given myself credit for. A combination of growing up in a church plant, wanting to prove my love for God and having a responsible and conscientious personality meant that I started participating in youth group committee at the ripe young age of 12. Calculating backwards, I had been essentially serving and living a high-paced, action-packed life with no significant pauses or breaks for 14 years!

I had been so used to looking only at the present and future of my life, I had neglected to step back and look at the greater context. Where I am now, I discovered, is greatly affected by where I came from. And where I am now will in turn affect where I will be.

ACCEPTED

The last few days, I have been soaking in the truth that I am accepted. I hadn’t realized that scriptures actually tell us that Christ accepts us. I had read Romans 15:7 before, “Therefore, accept one another just as Christ accepts you,” and I had always focused on the first part accept one another but I hadn’t let the truth of the main point of that verse sink in: Christ accepts you.

CHRIST ACCEPTS ME!

I have been thinking about how much impact that one truth has on my life. Because Jesus Christ – the King of kings and Lord of lords, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, the Highest and Holiest One – accepts me, I do not have to be ashamed. I can face my weaknesses without fear and I can delight in my strengths without embarrassment. Because Christ accepts me, I do not have to hide anything or impress anyone. I do not have to be ashamed.

SHAME AND GRACE

One of my first realizations in this renovation process has been that I have lived much of my life with a sense of shame. My roommate lent me a book, “Shame and Grace” by Lewis B. Smedes. The author defines shame as a sense of feeling bad about who you are (as opposed to guilt, which is feeling bad about something you do). I’m not sure what is at the root of my shame yet, but I know that the feeling of “I’m not good enough” is all too familiar.

WHY RENOVATE?

The Bible advises us to build our lives on a solid foundation, not on sand. As I’ve grown more and more tired – to the point of perpetually feeling exhausted and showing symptoms of depression – I’ve had to ask myself “Why?” How did I get to this point? As I’ve asked the Lord to show me, He’s revealed to me that my foundations are on shifting sands. I have based my life such things as performance and perfection. I have been invisibly motivated by fear. The lies I’ve been building my life upon need to be replaced by His truth. And the only way to re-build properly is to remove the old faulty foundations so that the new can be fixed in place. This is God’s grace on my life and although it’s a messy and uncomfortable process, I am grateful that He cares so much that He would build my life well.