TWO YEARS AND COUNTING

Today is a significant anniversary.  December 13th 2007 was the day I boarded a plane, said a teary goodbye to my life in Asia and entered into the chapter of my life called Burnout Recovery.

Much has happened in these two years; most of it being internal.  I won't list them all today (I'll save that for another post) but I will say that the one change I'm most grateful for is that now, two years later, I am starting to have moments were I can be totally at rest in the presence and love of God. 

Happy two years to me.  =)

THINGS THAT GIVE ME REST

"What do you find restful?" is another question that I am commonly asked.  I thought it might be good to write them down here since many people, in the journey of taking better care of themselves, often wonder what might give them rest.  Keep in mind that this list is coming from someone who is highly introverted.

• sleeping in
• waking up naturally without an alarm
• napping (sleep is important to me, can you tell??)
  
• painting
• reading novels 
• unhurried times with the Lord
• journalling
• doing jigsaw puzzles
• painting my nails (or, as Tim calls it "fuming up the house")
• making myself a special cup of tea
• spending time with my husband
• watching funny movies
• singing
• staying home for a day
• dancing by myself in the living room when no one's home
  
• wearing comfy clothes
• silence
  
• warm showers
• not cooking (this is part of our Sabbath practice; we put it in our budget to eat out that day)
• walking somewhere instead of driving
• lighting candles and watching them flicker
• keeping my computer off for the day (this is also part of my Sabbath practice)
• playing board games with my husband
• reading Calvin and Hobbes
  

Some of these things (like jigsaw puzzles) I enjoyed as a child but over the years had slowly forgotten about.  Figuring out what gives me rest has been and continues to be a process for me but the Lord is faithful in helping me understand myself better.

RACING MY TEARS

I can tell when I'm starting to wear thin these days when I get all weepy by nighttime.  Some days, I can feel the tears threatening to break through and I play a little game with them.  I try to get ready for bed and drift off to sleep before the tears trickle out.  Most of the time when I play this game, I lose.  But once in a while I win.  By morning, after a good night's rest, the tears have hidden themselves away again, until the next time I get too tired.

CHURCH

I am learning that there are some days when communing with God looks like a few extra hours of sleep and taking my time with my journal and a cup of tea.  And this on a Sunday morning.

Since burning out, I've explored the idea of Sabbath more seriously.  What does Sabbath look like for me?  What gives me rest and restores my soul?  After a week full of activity, people, prayer, service and communion with others, my need for time alone was greater than my need for being at church.  And so I gave myself permission to stay home with the Lord.

There was a time when this would have been inconceivable. 

I am learning to be kinder to myself.

FITS AND STARTS

For Thanksgiving this year, Tim and I took an extended long weekend getaway and borrowed a friend's cabin on the Sunshine Coast of BC.  We spent the bulk of Saturday in silence and solitude, each taking the day to be with and hear from God.  It wasn't until I finally stilled myself (which took a long time!) that I realized I was all wound up again and actually quite tired.  With all the travelling this summer, adding a second day of work and hosting my in-laws in September, I had slowly been ramping up again without taking adequate rest.  I had forgotten that my priority is still to fill my tank - it's not quite full yet!  And so, I am coming back to a place where my decisions will be based on how much energy it costs me and whether I can afford it.  The road of burnout recovery is full of fits and starts.  But when I observe that even the ocean has high and low tides, I am not dismayed.

AT LAST

Last night before falling asleep, I realized that I was full of anticipation and excitement for my life. It was as if the list of things I was grateful for was endless. My heart felt like it was bursting at the seams with joy! I haven't felt like this in a very, very long time.

Tonight as Tim and I prayed, I spoke with such conviction and energy. Afterward, Tim even commented that he hasn't heard me pray like that in a long time.

I find myself initiating with friends, making more phone calls, wanting to increase my work hours and looking forward to the future.

I think it might be safe to say that God has brought me through the darkness. I am now back in the light. This valley is over. Praise God!

IN LIMBO

What has been
is no longer.
What I hope for
is not yet.

BACK TO WORK!

As I was washing dishes this morning, I noticed a significant shift in my inner world. Somehow without me knowing when it started, I had gone back to work! Not the kind of work that pays in dollars and cents. But work that requires much time, attention and investment nonetheless.

I had re-entered the work of intercession.

During my two years overseas, it had become very clear to me that aside from the work I was "paid" to do, I also had the special, on-going, behind-the-scenes work of praying for various people in my life. When I burned out, I had lost my capacity to care for, let alone pray for, others.

How happy I was to notice that a part of me was thinking of and lifting up person after person before the Lord this morning! In my view, interceding for others is just as full-time work as any other type of work that I could do. So I guess this means Happy Back To Work to me!

EMBRACING THE MYSTERY

Our church is going through a two-part series on grief right now. The guest speaker is sharing from Psalm 16 through the lens of his own loss of his wife to cancer. Last week, he explained that in our society today (especially in the West), we tend to approach our understanding of God and life as this:

Rational understanding -> Faith -> Mystery.

He said that we start on the grounds of intellectual understanding and that informs our faith. And if we choose to, we admit that there is still a bit that we don't know and can't grasp.

However, in his process of grieving, he discovered that life actually works the other way around:

Mystery -> Faith -> Rational understanding.

He said that the reality is that the majority of our lives are mystery. Death, of course, being one of the greatest mysteries we face. And it is in the context of mystery that we find faith. And as we live by faith, we come to understand intellectually a small percentage of what we experience.

In reflecting on my burnout experience, I would have to say the same principle applies. It's easy and tempting for me to intellectualize it: here were the causes, the symptoms, the remedies, the reasons, the effects of it all. But in the end, the greater part of the experience is actually mystery.

As I come into more and more contact with people who are struggling with burnout, I need to remember this: much of what happens in our lives is mystery, and I need to accept and give space for that, both in my life and in the lives of others.

HOW DID I KNOW?

As I've shared my burnout experience with people, the same question is often asked. How did I know it was burnout? What were my symptoms? Well, at first, I didn't know. I thought I was tired and depressed. What made it more difficult to diagnose (and probably also contributed to it surfacing sooner) was that I was living overseas. I thought it was culture shock, or due to moving around so much. The idea of burnout was initially planted in my mind as I was reading an article about it. I was later able to confirm it with the help of friends, colleagues, those who'd gone through it before and a professional counsellor.

Burnout looks different for each person who experiences it, but for me, my telltale signs were:

• Trouble with sleep (waking up throughout the night, never feeling like I had enough sleep even if I slept 12+ hours)
• Emotional instability (at one point, I was shocked to realize I had cried every day for a month straight)
• Difficulty making simple decisions (I had to ask my roommate to pick out some meat for me at the grocery store. Grocery shopping was one of my biggest sources of anxiety)
• Apathy towards work and life's passions (to be honest, I really didn't care if the world was going to hell)
• Overall lethargy (it felt like I could never shake the tiredness and I never wanted to go out)
• Relational bankruptcy (I hardly initiated with anyone, didn't pick up the phone, couldn't handle being in crowds or noisy places)
• Loss of self-confidence (I didn't trust my own assessments, thoughts or abilities. I didn't drive for fear of hurting those on the road)
• Stomach discomfort (related to anxiety)
• Sporadic and unfruitful times in the Word
• A long history of overworking and perfectionism

Thankfully, I'm at a place now where I've seen significant progress in most of these areas. I look back and am almost surprised by how dark that time was. It was difficult, it was unexpected, but it was the greatest invitation to life I have yet experienced.

THOUGHTS ON STRUGGLE

As part of my readings for the course I'm taking, I came across this bit on struggle that is rather insightful. It's from Joan D. Chittister's "Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope."

Be blessed.

There is no one who does not go down into the darkness where the waters do not flow and we starve for want of hope. The life goes out of life and there is nothing left to do but simply follow routine, hoping down deep that we will not really have to go on much longer. It is a sad and barren time.

There is no one who does not have to choose sometime, someway, between giving up and growing stronger as they go along. And yet if we give up in the midst of struggle, we never find out what the struggle would have given us in the end. If we decide to endure it to the end, we come out of it changes by the doing of it. It is a risk of mammoth proportions. We dare the development of the self.

...

Something else I have come to know...: All struggle is not loss. All those who struggle do not give way to depression, or death of the spirit, to dearth of heart. We not only can survive struggle but, it seems, we are meant to survive in new ways, with new insights, with new heart.

MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL

Last week, I had another vivid dream. Whenever I wake up remembering the contents of my dream, I usually write it down and ask the Lord to show me if there is any significance in it. I believe He does speak to me through my dreams. And more often than not, He gives me insight into what they may possibly mean.

A couple pieces of advice I'd received from someone more familiar with dreams was:

1. Ask yourself, what was the emotion I felt in the dream?
2. Remember whatever the content of the dream was, it's about me. (So even if I dream that someone else is sick, it's not about them getting sick, it's about me and my response.)

I applied this advice to my dream and I was surprised to discover another angle from which to look at my burnout.

In my dream, I was at some sort of camp or retreat center and our activity for the afternoon was a scavenger hunt of sorts. We were to collect aerosol cans that were hidden throughout the building. We started off. I noticed that some people in the group went very quickly and then lost interest, choosing instead to go back to their rooms and socialize. Others were really slow and hardly found anything. I, on the other hand, went steadily along through every room and managed to find many cans that others had missed. I felt proud of myself for persevering and finding a whole plastic bag full.

Then we gathered to look at the results. As I took the contents of my bag out, I was shocked to see that half of the containers were more like dish detergent containers! They weren't aerosol cans at all!! I felt so confused and embarassed. How did I not see that before?!

As I sat and asked the Lord what this strange scenario could possibly mean, He brought this to mind... Perhaps the aerosol cans represented the tasks that I thought I needed to accomplish: evangelism, worship leading, fellowship leadership, doing well in school, etc. The dish detergent containers were the activities I had been involved in that in retrospect weren't essential and weren't actually in line with who I am created to be. They weren't the things I really wanted to have in my life, if I was honest with myself. (Or I might go as far as to say they weren't things God wanted me to have in my life.)

So even though I perceived myself as diligent and competent (perhaps more than others even), the reality was that I was making work for myself and "putting more in the bag" than was necessary.

Part of my coming to terms with my burnout, now that my former activities are exposed for what they truly were, is that I feel a sense of embarassment and confusion about it. I hadn't realized this about myself before I had this dream. So I think God allowed me to dream this in order to know this about myself.

JESUS FEEDS THE TWELVE

One of my bigger fears as I've walked this road of recovery is running dry and burning out again. This past week, God graciously addressed my fear and allowed me to peer into a bit of His heart.

I was reflecting on the passage traditionally known as "Jesus Feeds the 5,000" and as I observed myself, I noticed that I was feeling progressively angrier as the story went on. Jesus knew His disciples were tired, so why did he plunge them into another day of ministry? And to top it off, He assigned them the impossible task of feeding everyone! What kind of way was that to treat those who'd committed their lives to Him, those whom He loved most? I felt indignant. And perhaps in a small way, I felt like one of the disciples.

I slept on it. The next morning, as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day, my thoughts turned back to the story. What was God trying to say to me? And then I saw it. At the end of the day, after the crowds had ate their fill and everyone was slowly dispersing back to their homes, the disciples gathered up 12 basketfulls of bread and fish. That was one basket of food each! I suspect that as the crowds were eating, the disciples also had a chance to eat. So Jesus essentially not only fed the 5,000, but He fed the 12 - for a whole week.

It became clear to me that Jesus loved His disciples all along. He knew that in asking them to do what they thought was beyond their means, they would be the ones most blessed. In the same way, I can trust that the Lord loves me. And even if (or when) He asks me to stretch beyond my capabilities, He will not let me lose out. In fact, I will emerge having gotten the better end of the deal, so to speak.

Perfect love casts out all fear. How very true.

A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF

I'm reading "The Gift of Being Yourself" by David Benner and in it, he talks about the Enneagram (pr. any-a-gram) as a way of helping people understand themselves. Instead of looking at personality traits, this system looks at 9 different types of core sins that drive people.

Benner says, "The core sins identified by the Enneagram are each associated with a core need. The needs are basic human needs, such as a need for love, for security or for perfection. The sin consists in making these something of ultimate value - that is, making them into God.

• Ones need to be perfect and, discovering that neither they nor anything else in their world is perfect, are tempted by self-righteous anger A good biblical example of this type is Paul.
• Twos need to be loved and needed, and their competence in making this happen sets them up for pride. Martha is a good biblical example of a Two.
• Threes need to be successful and are tempted to deceit, as they do whatever they have to do to avoid failure and appear in the best possible light. Jacob illustrates this type.
• Fours need to be special and are tempted toward envy, escapist fantasy and a compromise of authenticity. Joseph, the Old Testament patriarch, illustrates this type.
• Fives need knowledge, long for fulfillment, and are tempted by greed, stinginess and critical detachment. Thomas, the so-called doubting disciple, fits this pattern.
• Sixes need security and are tempted by fear, self-doubt and cowardice. Timothy is a good example of a Six.
• Sevens need to avoid pain and are tempted by gluttony and intemperance. Solomon is a biblical example of this type.
• Eights need power, self-reliance and opportunities to be against something and are tempted by lust, arrogance and the desire to possess and control others. King Saul is a good illustration of an Eight.
• Nines need to maintain emotional peace and avoid initiative and are tempted by laziness, comfortable illusions and being overly accommodating. Jonah illustrates this type."

As I look through the list, my initial response is that I identify myself with type Three the most. Benner explains though that often the first type we think "fits" is not necessarily the core sin that's beneath all our layers. So I'm asking the Lord to continue showing me what my deepest problem is - even though venturing into those murky waters isn't my favourite idea.

Looking at my burnout through this lense, I can see how trying to keep appearances up and wanting to avoid failure often leads me to say or do things that are not true to what I'm really thinking or feeling. For example, even when I was overworked and tired, I told myself that I was fine and wouldn't admit to needing rest. I would essentially lie to myself - and consequently, to others. I wasn't as well as I would admit to myself.

The point of knowing our core sin is not to try to correct ourselves though. The idea is that as we discover what our true problem is, we can bring it to Jesus and find acceptance there. It may sound wrong to say that Jesus accepts our sin, but it is actually in His acceptance of it that we have freedom from it. Only when believe that we are completely accepted can we begin to experience His redeeming power and have Him change us from the inside out. Because when we can accept His acceptance of us inclusive of our sin, we are released from covering up our "bad parts" or striving to be anything other than who we are. And when we stop striving, He can start working.

FEARS

Being back in Toronto and preparing for a month of seeing a steady stream of people, I've noticed an intense reluctance to move forward in time. The culprit? Fear. I'm afraid that upping my social calendar (from around 3 appointments a week to around 10 apointments a week) will drain me faster than I can replenish my emotional reserves. And if that happens, I'm afraid that I will backslide into the dark abyss and lose everything I've waited so long to regain (notice I said waited, not worked). I guess I'm afraid that somehow, I will inadvertantly prolong my recovery process by entering into this month.

What it comes down to though (as with all fears), is a lack of trust in the Lord. Do I trust that He will give me the energy I need? Do I trust that even if I make all these appointments in faith, He will be sure to cancel the ones He knows are not the right timing for me? Do I believe that God is looking out for me and that I don't need to fend for myself? These are the deeper questions I need to answer.

When I finally choose to trust God, I find the freedom and joy to move forward.

MY PROPHETIC OPTOMETRIST

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. If my visit to the optometrist today is any indication, I think there's truth to that statement.

Today was my first visit to Tim's optmetrist (now my optometrist as well). For a while now, I've been bothered by my contact lenses and I was hoping that she could give me some advice. What I got from our appointment was more than I had expected.

To summarize her thoughts, she said that my eyes were over-tired and the strain was causing my vision to be unstable. She advised me to stick to wearing glasses for the next three months to give them a break and see if my eyes would relax and stabilize. She also told me I would need to accept that things further away would be fuzzy. As I listened to her explain things, I felt like she was talking about my life! I almost wanted to ask her to slow down so I could journal some of these thoughts before I forgot. But I didn't. ;)

Anyway, it was an enlightening appointment. And the funniest part? At the end, she told me "You don't have to pay (the government will cover it) because... well... you... ah... because of your condition." My eyes are so bad they qualify for healthcare coverage! I don't know whether to sigh or laugh.

A LONG ROAD

I've been thinking lately that I will probably take at least three years to fully recover from burning out. It's been almost a year and a half now and I'm still needing at least 10 hours of sleep a night (plus napping some days), feeling a deficit of self-confidence (although it has gotten better) and resisting responsibility.

I was re-reading the article "Emotional Fatigue" the other day and it suggested that for some people, the amount of time it took to do the damage is the amount of time it will take to undo the damage. If that is true, I might be looking at something like 9 years. Sigh.

But I guess I've come to a point where I don't want to count anymore. It'll take as long as it needs to. I can't hurry it up and trying to push myself forward would probably just slow it down.

I think the hardest part about it is that no one can see or objectively measure the extent of the injuries. I'm the only one who can really say how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wonder whether people secretly think I'm being a wuss or a lazy bum. I wonder that about myself even.

I think it's difficult for me to extend grace to myself.

JOY & SORROW

It has been suggested that our cup of joy can only be as deep as our cup of sorrow.
~ Tim Hansel, You Gotta Keep Dancin'

Loss is saying goodbye to anything before we're ready to.
~ Doris Beck

A SIGNIFICANT STEP

Yesterday was a significant day in my recovery process.

For the last 15 months or so, God had been teaching me to let go of discipline in a sense, to just be, without putting parameters on how I spent each day. This past month or so, I've felt more and more restless about my inconsistent quiet times. Until yesterday. Yesterday God finally said it was time to re-introduce the concept of discipline into my life. How exciting!

What this looks like practically is that I've decided to set my alarm every morning for 9am, which will give me more time in the mornings and allow me to hang out with the Lord before diving into the day.

You might be thinking that I'm crazy because I'm actually happy about incorporating discipline into my life. Well, I guess it's like this, when you've wandered among endless sand dunes in the wilderness for a very long time, it's really nice to see a road.

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

Yesterday was my last scheduled appointment with my counselor. As we talked over the phone, I had this incredible sense that this leg of the journey was coming to a close. God has helped me to establish myself in Vancouver now and I no longer need his particular care and guidance. It's as if I have come out of the ICU because my condition has stabilized.

It's been almost a year since Tim surprised me with a ring and got a huge ball of changes rolling. I'm glad to say, I think the ball has finally stopped rolling. I realized the other day that I'm finally able to rest. Even though I'm running our household and working part time, I would dare to say that I'm resting better now than any other time in my past. At the very least, for the first time since graduating from high school (that's nine years!), I am not packing up my room for the summer or moving to another "home" this fall.

It's not that there are no more changes. There are. I just enrolled in a 2-year Master's level Spiritual Formation program through a local theological college that starts in June. But I think this change will be an enriching experience. In a way, I can see God continuing His ministry of rebuilding my soul through the people I will encounter through this program.

So there are endings. And there are beginnings. And from where I stand right now, I think the darkest part of the valley is behind me. (At least this time around!)

AN OBSERVATION ABOUT MYSELF

I realized tonight that at the core of it all, my struggle is to truly believe that God loves me. I find it easier to believe that He loves other people (like Tim, or friends, or even strangers) more than He loves me. Incredible, I know. But I think this is another root of my burnout and tendency to ignore my own needs. It can easily masquerade as "self-sacrifice" but I think some of those decisions come from a place of insecurity rather than freedom in love.

TREADING WATER

When I was a kid, I took swimming lessons and my least favourite part was when we had to tread water. For some reason, even when I kicked my legs like the instructor showed me, and moved my arms back and forth, I would inevitably start to sink.

This past month felt like I was treading water.

I think it was the combination of learning to manage our home, continue resting and starting to return to work - plus the spiritual battle component - that made it quite challenging. By the last week of January, I was seeing symptoms of depression pop up again. And I knew something had to change.

Thankfully, God helped me take the first step by sending a friend to pray over me. She stood in the gap for me and helped me to stake my claim as a daughter of the King and as one redeemed by the blood of Christ. After that prayer time, the darkness lifted and I had hope again.

Still, I've been evaluating what I can change to prevent myself from a repeat of January. And this is what I will try: instead of going into the office (which is at least an hour commute each day) twice a week, I will work from home for one half day and the office for another half day. I am also taking more initiative to have one-on-one coffee/lunch dates with friends. I will be more intentional about incorporating praise into my prayer times - both in my own times with God and in my prayer times with Tim. And I've decided to be less stingy with my money when it comes to buying flowers. It's incredible how much having flowers in the house lifts my spirits! These are just a few small adjustments I'm making in hopes that I can foster an environment and lifestyle where my soul can continue to heal.

SIGH

There are up days and there are down days. Today happens to start as a down day.

I'm supposed to work this afternoon and for some reason, I'm dreading it. A few days ago, I was really looking forward to it, actually. But today, I could hardly pull myself out of bed.

Currently I'm reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis and "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. Both books have been helping me see the spiritual dimension of life a little more clearly. So I know that this blah feeling most likely has a spiritual cause. Incidentally, I'm going through "Praying the Names of God" by Ann Spangler for my quiet times and the name of God this week is "The LORD is my Banner" - God is my victory.

I have a choice today: live as if I'm defeated, or live in the victory of Christ. One would be choosing death. The other would be choosing life.

I think I'll choose life today. What about you?

HAPPY B-DAY TO ME!

Nope, it's not my birthday. Yesterday marked my first "Back-to-work" day. I'm splitting my eight hour workweek into two afternoons - Wednesdays and Fridays - at least that's the arrangement for the time being.

The project I get to work on is really neat. I'm doing a painting (hopefully more than one) as part of a display booth with the aim of generating conversations on campuses revolving around the question "Does God Exist?" A bonus is I get to work at home. And did I mention, I get to paint?

My first day working was pretty nondescript. I feel like I should have gotten some fanfare or recognition for it. But I know God knows how big a step it felt like for me. And I believe He was applauding me from Heaven.

I feel like I'm re-entering work very cautiously. Partly because I'm testing the waters on how much I can handle. Partly because I don't have a clear vision of where to run with my life. So I'm taking baby steps. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

Anyway, in celebration of my return to work, Tim and I went to a local (and surprisingly quiet) pub to watch Mats Sundin play his first hockey game with the Vancouver Canucks. It was his first day back, too. And they won. =)