RE-THINKING MISSIONS

Working for and being married to someone who works for a missions organization has often felt like a conundrum these last few years.  How can I actively participate in sharing the gospel with others when I need so much time at home, alone?  I have felt the tension of wanting to go on missions trips (and perhaps even being expected to by some people) and not knowing if I have the capacity to do well on one.

In November, we were at a conference in Toronto for Tim's ministry and I began to wonder whether I should try the one-week project being offered this coming March.  The familiar thoughts went through my head, "You need to take a step of faith."  "You won't experience God until you take a risk."  "There are lost souls waiting for you that only you with your particular set of giftings can reach."  I held the question out before the Lord.

A few days later, I found myself breaking down, exhausted and spent from visiting with friends and family.  I certainly was not thriving there - and I was only halfway through the week!  I plucked up the courage to revisit my question about the mission trip.  If I could barely handle spending a week with people I knew, in a familiar city, speaking my first language, why would I think I could thrive on a mission project?  Then I realized that maybe God had other plans for me.  Maybe "missions" for me did not mean going out there.  Maybe God could use me just as much (possibly more?) when I was in the environment where I thrived best - at home. 

It's an exercise in humility for me to admit my limits and open myself to the possibility that God can work within them.  For sure, I still believe God is able to and may possibly call me to move beyond my natural limits.  But that would be an exception. 

For now, I am choosing to be thankful for the relationships I have with my neighbours.  And I'm asking God how I can live His gospel faithfully while I stay put.

3 YEARS OF DYING & LIVING

Three years ago today, I boarded what I will remember as my "rescue flight" and headed back to Canada after burning out in Asia.  I was considering closing this blog to commemorate the occasion but as I thought about it, I realized I still have content for a few more posts.  So I won't close it for now.  Instead, I will write.

I have died the same deaths many times in the last few years.  My need for achievement, my perfectionist tendencies, the way I keep pushing myself to exhaustion; these old ways of striving have all had to die - over and over and over and over.  And even today, I cannot say they are dead.  Like a trick candle, the flame keeps flickering back.  And I suspect it will continue - for a while yet.

But just as much as I have died, I have also lived.  I have encountered grace in those moments of weakness.  I have experienced love in its limitlessness each time I have caught myself relentlessly straining, and being all spent, flopped back onto Jesus' lap to rest my head on his chest. 

I am learning that it's okay to have this embarrassing trick candle on my cake.  It's part of who I am.  And I suspect it's one of those things that draws out God's affection for me.  Like he's grinning at me and saying, "Oh, Olive..."



 

FOR THOSE WHO FEEL PULLED IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Part of life after burn-out for me has been living with the tension of my desire for productivity and interaction with the world and my need for stillness, solitude and silence.  Back in May, there was one week in particular where that tension was acute and I was at my wit's end.

Then one night, I had a dream.  In my dream, I was in a highrise, a good number of floors up.  On both sides of me were walls.  And I was trying to hold on, arms and legs outstretched, wedging myself between the surfaces so that I would not fall.  For some reason, it wasn't enough that I had to keep myself suspended high above the ground - I also had to try to move forward and catch someone in front of me.  So there I was, trying to hold myself together, trying to move ahead.

All of a sudden, something inside of me changed and I decided I was done with trying to maneuver myself between these two walls.  I let go.

And then I fell.

And fell.

And fell.

And surprisingly, I didn't wake up from the dream.  Instead, I found myself caught in a soft, cushiony net.  As I lay there, I grinned.  I never had to try to hold on in the first place!

This was a life of grace.  

IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS?!

To my dear blog readers, I am sorry I haven't been posting lately.  I guess I haven't felt like I've had much to say.

There is one thing I will say today though.  What I've learned through this intense summer and trying to re-figure out what a good routine is for the fall:  when I feel like I want to escape my life, it is time to pull back and rest more.

TODAY'S TO-DO

Feeling overwhelmed at what was on my list the other day, I asked God what was on His to-do list.  With a universe to run, I suspected it might be quite long.

I was surprised by His answer.

His list consisted of one item only:  LOVE.

TAKING A DEEP BREATH

Thinking about all that's about to happen this summer, I can easily feel overwhelmed.  The list includes attending a wedding, participating in another wedding, running the whole day for my sister-in-law's wedding, a week of work conferences, keeping up with my studies, a couple of jack and jill parties, trying to expand our financial partnership team, hosting my parents, hosting a couple friends, and our quarterly evaluation/dreaming day... and that's just July!  August entices us with a two-week family holiday to Europe (thankfully most of the planning is done for that already).

As I journalled about my apprehension regarding these coming two months, I was gently reminded to live by faith instead of fear.  Later in the evening, as I was reading, I came across these words:

If we approach life from a stance of scarcity, then we will worry that we won't get our share and will do all we can to acquire whatever we think is necessary to secure our future.  If we believe that there is an abundance, then we will be more ready to share and will not be desperate to stockpile goods or love of whatever for ourselves.  (Joy in Divine Wisdom, Marva J. Dawn, p. 140).

I felt like God was challenging my basic assumptions about my energy.  It was easy for me to think in terms of abundance when I needed to make decisions involving my possessions and money.  But when it came to energy, I realized I was living out of scarcity.  I kept thinking I needed to protect my time and energy.  I was, to an extent, hoarding what I thought I had.

The freedom of the gospel meant that Jesus was (and is) my source for everything - energy included.  I still needed to exercise discernment, but I could do so without fear.  I could look at the list ahead of me and welcome it all with an open heart, knowing that God would take me for a ride and trusting that if it ever became too much, He would arrange for a break for me.

As I talked this over with my spiritual director today, she offered me these words, "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25).  This will be the prayer that I will hold on to in these next two months.

I'm taking a deep breath and diving in!

HEALER

I had another friend come by to visit me today.  I bumped into her on my walk this morning and she's kept me company since. 

This morning I went for a stroll, desperate to see or hear from God.  I just wanted something, anything, to let me know that I wasn't in the fog alone.  As I walked, raindrops began to fall.  What's with this, Lord?  I questioned. It had been sunny a mere hour ago.  Why did it have to rain now, when I was so exposed to the elements and I already felt crummy inside?  I felt like God was mocking me. 

Still, I pressed on.  My footsteps fell to the rhythm of "Lord-have-mer-cy, Christ-have-mer-cy."  I was heading toward my place of solace - the Japanese Garden in our neighbourhood.

I arrived at the garden and stood by a tree, taking in the small waterfall, the rocks and remembering the vibrantly coloured spring flowers that were now gone.  I watched as the raindrops hit the pond, causing circles of ripples to expand and intersect with each other.  The raindrops were falling closer and closer together.  Apparently the cloud overhead needed to unload right then.  Pretty soon the ripples were indistinguishable.  In their place, a very agitated pond surface.  I felt dismayed.  But as I looked, it seemed to me as if the raindrops were dancing.  Someone had choreographed their landing patterns.  And I happened to be there to witness their dance.  Soon, the dance was over and the overlapping circles of ripples returned.  It was time for me to walk back toward home.

Interestingly, as I observed myself walking away, I realized that my soul was now at peace.  I paused to smell the jasmine blossoms and even laughed as a crow very vocally followed me along a hundred feet or so. 

It was as if God cried for me at the garden.  His tears fell on behalf of my pain.  And I, sheltered by a tree, had watched them fall all around me.  No words had been exchanged.  No words were needed.

My friend, Beauty, had shown her face.  And my soul understood.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME

Where is the light in my soul?
I'm looking but I just can't see it.
Once upon a time You said it was there.
Would You still speak?

"There is a light in your soul.
Only with eyes of love can you see it.
Be still, my child, and listen.
Do you not hear it sing?"

MY ORBIT

I have been wrestling with the question of how I can ever have any impact on the world.  If I am created to thrive best in a semi-hermitic lifestyle, how can I make any difference in the lives of others?  If I am constantly "journeying inward", what does my journey "outward" look like?  Is a journey outward even possible for one like me?

I recently brought these questions to God, feeling anxious and sad that I was not more of an extravert.  I was surprised at the metaphor I was given in response:  Picture the Moon that orbits the Earth.  The Moon does not occupy itself with travelling around the Sun, and yet, because it stays on track with the Earth, at the end of a year, it has also made it around the Sun.  In the same way, I am to be like a moon, with a sole task of sticking close to Jesus.  The outward flow of my life will happen naturally.  I don't need to contrive it.  He will ensure that it will happen.

This, I think, is what He meant when He said "Keep company with me, and you will live freely and lightly" (Matthew 11:29, The Message). 

HOW TO GROW AN OLIVE TREE

You know how when you go to a garden center, each plant has a small white plastic tab stuck in the soil telling you the ideal growing conditions for that particular species?  It occurred to me the other day that I'm in the process of learning to read what's written on my little white plastic tab. 

So far, I think my growing instructions would include:

• Water frequently, wilts quickly
• Needs lots of silence
• Leave ample room between encounters with others
• Give space for creativity
• Plant in a sunny location
• Do not try to transplant too often, has deep roots
• Fertilize regularly with doses of beauty, meaningful conversation and extended times of reflection

A few weeks ago, during a particularly difficult week, I think I finally moved one step closer to accepting my need for adequate rest, solitude, silence and stillness.  These things are part of my particular make-up.  I am learning to embrace this as what God has deemed "very good."  I think I am starting to agree with God on what this Olive plant needs to thrive, blossom and eventually bear fruit.

(un)EXPECTED VISITOR

I have a friend.  I haven't seen her for a while now.  She tends to come and go as she pleases.  Once in a while, she will drop in, stay a while and leave when she thinks she's kept me company for long enough.  Whenever she's around, my days need to be re-organized.  Hers is a quiet sort of demanding.

Most people don't understand her.  And most of the time, if I'm honest, neither do I.  Most people are also afraid of her.  I don't think that I am anymore.  But if I was, it would only be the slightest amount.  You see, she's quite gentle.  Her footsteps are light.  So light, in fact, that I usually don't notice her arrival until she's settled comfortably in my home.  That's how she arrived this time, anyway.  Perhaps it's her unpredictability and mysteriousness that frightens people.

She has her reasons for visiting, I know.  I actually think she has a direct line to God and He's the one who usually tells her when to come.  Some people see her as an unwelcome intruder, and some days when she's around, I think so too.  But she never comes without at least a few gifts for me.  So I'm learning not to resist her presence.

When she's around, my capacity for working is diminished; I need more sleep and I have trouble concentrating on certain tasks.  This means that I need to be mindful of my energy and be careful in what I choose to do or not do.  It also means that I am brought face to face with my limitations and weaknesses, which makes me re-examine where my identity and value lie.   These are some of the gifts she brings.

When she's around, I also feel a certain pervasive sadness.  This means I need to find what is life-giving and make space for those things.  I cry more easily.  The sadness is one way she helps me to enter into the grief of the world.  I might feel alone, but in actuality, I am sharing in the experience of humanity.  Her presence means that I must make room for rest and renewal.  She invites me to press closer into the bosom of Christ, who is the God of all comfort.  These, too, are the gifts she brings.

The greatest gift from her, I think, is humility.  She humbles me like nothing else.  From her, I am reminded that my limited capacity is not only a good thing, it's perfect.  And that my value comes from being a beloved creature of the Creator.

What is her name, you might ask?  Some call her Depression.  But today, I'd like you to meet my friend.

NOTES FROM MY COUNSELLOR

I was cleaning out my desk tonight and came across a couple sticky-notes from my counselling appointments when I was still figuring out how to cope with my limited energy and planning a move across the country as well as a wedding.  Since I have no where else to put the notes, I'll just type them up here and maybe it'll be helpful to someone.

Concern #1:  How will moving across the country affect me?

• there are three elements to settling into a new place: recovery, adjusting and re-investing

Concern #2:  How do I survive the wedding?

• get as much rest as possible before the wedding
• the rehearsal dinner might be challenging; figure out a contingency plan for me to leave early (also for family/out-of-town dinner after the ceremony)
• be seated for the receiving line?

Concern #3:  What about the honeymoon?

• there is a recovery phase we have to allow for when capacity will be minimal; plan for lots of rest

Concern #4:  How do I know I'm ready to go back to work?  How can I think about this in small steps?

• practice musing:  a non-pressured, no deadline type of thinking about the future
• ask myself: what captures my heart?
• take steps to build my confidence; eg, try specific projects or experiences rather than take on entire roles

And one final thought:  there are two types of encouragement, one is from the side and one is from out front.  The more helpful kind is the side-by-side kind.

IN THE NAME OF NOBILITY

I have been thoroughly enjoying "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer.  It is a book about finding one's true vocation through listening to one's own life and personhood.

I especially appreciated his insights about depression and burnout.  It's so good that I wanted to share it with you!  To give some context for the following quote, Palmer has been telling the story of an opportunity he had to be a president of a school.  As he and his trusted friends gathered to discern whether he should take it, it emerged rather humourously that his motive for taking the position was only to get his name in the paper.

The ecological theory of life, the theory of limits, works wonderfully well with situations like this:  my nature makes me unfit to be president of anything, and therefore - if I stay true to what I know about myself - I will die having avoided a fate that for me would be worse than death. 

But what happens to the theory of limits when what I want to do is not to get my picture in the paper but to meet some human need?  What happens to that theory when my vocational motive is virtous: to be a teacher from whom students can learn or a counselor who helps people find themselves or an activist who sets injustice right?... There are some things I "ought" to do or be that are simply beyond my reach.  If I try to be or do something noble that has nothing to do with who I am, I may look good to others and to myself for a while.  But the fact that I am exceeding my limits will eventually have consequences.  ...

One sign that I am violating my own nature in the name of nobility is a condition called burnout.  Though usually regarded as the result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess - the ultimate in giving too little!  Burnout is a state of emptiness, to be sure, but it does not result from giving all I have:  it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place.  (pp. 46, 47, 49, italics mine)

I have been thinking about the idea that burnout and depression are really two forms of identity crises.  Reading Palmer's thoughts sways me further toward that conclusion.

MY FIRST AND GREATEST TASK

My first and greatest task these days is to know myself as deeply and completely loved by the Trinity.

I used to think that I was here to change the world; that the greater impact I had for Christ, the greater the glory God would get.  I have since learned that the path to greatest glory for God would be that I lived my life in obedience to Him; that I fully lived out my true self-in-Christ.  Whether my life impacts millions or whether it impacts one, that is up to God.  If He chooses to raise me up, or if He chooses to keep me unknown, it is in His wisdom.

So my ambition now is to know Him who beckons me so that I may respond to His desires for me.  This approach releases me from the pressure to make my life count for something.  Because if I am being attentive and obedient, my life could not count for more - no matter what else I did.

HOW GRACE AND WORK FIT TOGETHER

For a long time, I had wondered about the relationship between grace and work.  If it's all by grace, what is the point of working hard?

Yesterday, I heard the answer:

Grace is not opposed to effort, 
grace is opposed to earning.
~Ken Shigematsu quoting Dallas Willard

Thus, instead of being a means of earning God's favour, my hard work becomes a means of experiencing God's grace.  Knowing this gives me great motivation to give my best to whatever God's called me to.  And it calms my fears that putting in more effort will cut me off from grace.  It is not an either/or situation, it's a both/and situation.  Grace and effort do co-exist.  It's grace and earning that don't.

EXTRAVAGANT

[edit: I just realized I already posted this on my other blog.  Oops!  Oh well... :) ]

Back in December, work pressure had been slowly building up and I'd found myself fighting to see myself as valuable apart from my work.  One such morning, I sat there desperate before the Lord.  I prayed that He would help me see myself as He saw me.

I was surprised when the text that came to mind was Matthew 13:44, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."  What did that have to do with my question? I wondered.

As I sat there with the text, it suddenly made sense.  I had always taken the verse to mean that we are to be like the man who sells it all for the joy of finding the gospel.  I suddenly realized that the man in the story is not us.  The man in the story is God!  We are the treasure that He finds and gives up everything to acquire!  The parable was about God and His heart towards us!  We are the field that He sees the value hidden in and He already gave everything He had in order to buy us.

It makes me think about my response as one who claims to follow Him.  Do I look at each person I encounter and see their hidden treasure?  Would I pull out all the stops to let these people know how valuable they are?

I am God's treasure.  How amazing is that?!

SEEKING A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE

Something I've noticed in myself and as I've chatted with various people who've gone through the burnout process is that quite often, a person will want to find new ways of experiencing and relating to God.  Their relationship to God becomes part and parcel of the complete overhaul that is happening in the rest of their life.

In my own journey these past two plus years, I've come across some very life-giving practices in the areas of prayer and scripture reading.  I'll be the first to admit that I am a complete novice at this and I've only just begun to dip my toe in the ocean.  But I'll share a few favourites from what I have learned so far in hopes that maybe one of these approaches would be of help to a fellow journeyer along the path towards encountering Christ.  You may notice differences between these practices I am going to list and those of the "normal" evangelical tradition: the prayer doesn't necessarily involve speaking to God and the scripture reading engages the imagination.

• Centering Prayer:  This has become a beloved practice to me as many times it's helped still the incessant chatter in my soul and mind (it is also sometimes called a breath prayer).  Start by sitting in a comfortable chair, close your eyes, let your body relax and notice your breathing.  Choose a word or phrase that you associate with calmness to "center" yourself upon (eg, Jesus, peace) - personally I've been using the phrase "Be still".  In rhythm of your inhale and exhale, think of your word or phrase - so in my case, inhale would correspond to "be" and exhale would correspond to "still".  As you fall into the rhythm of your breathing, picture yourself in a serene place and become attentive to the love of God surrounding you. A helpful image for me has been to picture myself as a rock with the stream of God's love flowing all around me.  If distracting thoughts arise (which they will!), simply let them go (I picture them floating by on little leaves) and come back to your word/phrase. The "goal" of this prayer is for your soul to become quiet and aware of the presence and love of God around you.
  

• Imaginative reading:  This practice is wonderful especially for getting to know Jesus in the gospels.  The idea behind this is that just as friends get to know each other through shared experiences, we can get to know Jesus by sharing experiences with him through our imagination.  Pick a passage, read it slowly, and read it as many times as you want.  As you read, picture yourself in the scene.  Notice Jesus - his tone of voice, his body language, his responses.  Notice those around you.  Notice yourself - who are you in the scene?  what are you feeling?  what do you learn about yourself?  about Jesus?

• Lighting a candle:  The gesture of lighting a candle and acknowledging the light of Christ with you is a simple way of reminding yourself visually that God is with you as you spend time with Him.  Personally, I have created a space for myself consisting of a comfortable chair, and next to it a small table on which is a nice looking tablecloth, a candle and a green plant.  I often keep my bible and journal on this table as well.  This is my "quiet place" where I go to to reconnect with the love of God most mornings.

Since burning out, my former habit of very structured bible reading and prayer times has pretty much gone out the window.  In its place, my times with God have become more organic and engage deeper parts of myself.  I still think there is a place for disciplined times with the Lord, but I also believe that for those in this season of recovery, less is really more.