WHEN GOD WANTS SOMETHING DONE

During his sermon yesterday, Bruxy Cavey commented on how the shepherds were just doing their thing and tending their sheep when God announced to them the birth of Jesus. The lesson we can take from this is that we can trust that if God has something to say to us, He'll tell us. We don't need to make ourselves feel something or be something in order to "hear" from God.

This was totally my experience with this whole coming home thing. I was just doing the task at hand when He made it clear that He wanted me to come home. Not only did He give me clearance from HR on both sides of the ocean and support from family and friends, He arranged for someone to take over my room when I left. The one remaining detail was my flight home. It was a most edge-of-your-seat process and I don't want to forget it, so I'm going to include it here.

Something I've learned from past experiences is that when God wants something to happen, He'll pull out all the stops to make it happen. I got the green light to change my flight on a Monday. That day, I called the airline twice. Both times, they said the economy seats were all sold out until Feb 21, 2008(!). I requested to be put on their waiting list for December flights.

On Tuesday, I called the airline again. Same answer. The agent suggested I could look into upgrading to Business class. She sent in a request to see how much that ticket upgrade would cost.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the ocean, my travel agent was trying to pull some strings internally for me. She advised me to ask about upgrading to a higher economy class ticket.

Wednesday, word came back: upgrading to business class would cost $3,300 CAD. (Yeah, right!) No thanks, I said.

On Thursday, the agent explained that there was a possibility to get a more expensive economy class ticket. This was what I was looking for! I felt like this was the breakthrough I'd been waiting for. There were only 4 seats available for Dec 13th. Nothing else. I could buy a one-way ticket for $1000+ CAD, she said. How much would it cost to upgrade my ticket? She didn't know so she put in a request to find out.

Friday (how long was this going to drag on, I wondered), the agent said nothing had changed. After a few agonizing minutes of waiting, she said the answer had come back: $130 CAD and there were only 2 seats left! There it was!!! God pulled through yet again!

Another interesting detail is this: In one of my middle-of-the-night prayers of desperation, I had asked the Lord to give me two weeks notice before I had to leave the country. December 13 was exactly two weeks from when the breakthrough phone call happened. Coincidence? I think not.

EMBRACING WINTER

Niagara Falls, Ontario is known for two things. The first is it's namesake, the thundering cascades of water, one of the great natural wonders of the world. The second, is it's vineyards.

This past weekend, my parents and I took a mini-holiday there. Peering out the window on the drive back, I saw rows upon rows of grape vines. They didn't look like much though. In the wintertime, the bare branches seemed more dead than alive, like twigs hanging limp from the fence. Buried beneath a layer of snow, it's difficult to imagine these fields producing fruit that can be made into award-winning wines.

What struck me most though was that there were no exceptions. Every single plant in those acres of fields had to obey the season. It wasn't like one plant stayed green and remained fruitful while the others dropped their leaves and lay bare. Winter was their time to rest, and they cannot escape it. Neither do they resist it.

In the same way, I think God brings "winters" into every person's life. It cannot be escaped and it best not be resisted.

PROGRESS

I woke up this morning feeling discouraged. I've officially been on "medical leave" for 6 days now and I continue to feel exhausted. High expectations, I know. It hasn't even been a week. But something in me longs to see some sort of hint of progress. Most of my days consist of not doing very much of anything. There would have been a time when I would call myself lazy. I know better than that now.

Anyway, what made it seem worse to me this morning was knowing that all my friends (and the world around me in general) are all busy with Christmas related things. To be honest, I can barely bring myself to even think about Christmas in the sense of festivities and gatherings. Actually, I don't even really want to think about reflecting on Jesus coming to earth. You could say that there's not much "Christmas spirit" in me this year... But I digress.

Back to the idea of progress: I was telling God how I felt about my lack of progress and how stuck in a rut I felt when He gently reminded me, Activity doesn't equal progress. Right. He had me pegged (again). Even if I were well enough to run around like everyone else, it wouldn't necessarily mean I've progressed in God's eyes. And the reverse is true as well.

Will I believe that the work He is doing in me right now is deeper than what I can see? Perhaps Christmas this year will actually be about Immanuel - God with me. God in me.

DESERVING VS. WORTHY (PART 2)

I had a really neat conversation with my dad tonight. He was responding to my previous post about worthiness. I had written that I don't understand why I don't feel my own worth. He gave me this analogy:

Suppose you have a 5 dollar bill and a 10 dollar bill. They are both made of a sheet of paper. Who says how much that paper is worth? Does the bill say how much it's worth? No. The mint, or the creator of the bill, determines how much that slip of paper is worth. Can the bill ever understand how much it's worth? Again, no. It takes a third party to recognize its worth.

In the same way, it is difficult for me to understand my own worth. God, my Creator, has already determined my worth and somehow, it isn't until I can step away from myself and look at myself from the outside that I can start to grasp just how valuable He thinks I am.

Now let's take the 5 dollar bill analogy further: If I hand you a crisp, new and clean 5 dollar bill, how much is it worth? 5 dollars. Now what if I crumple the bill, spit on it and stomp on it a few times? Now how much is it worth? That's right. Still 5 dollars. The worth of an object is given to it from an external source - it's creator.

No matter how I feel or what I've been through, my worth is also determined by external source - my Creator.

RECOVERY

Many people have wished me a speedy recovery. I know that it is with good intentions that they wish me that and I'm grateful for their care. But part of me thinks, I'd rather they wish me a thorough recovery. I suppose thoroughness is implied, but then, why is speed emphasized?

Being unwell is uncomfortable and unpleasant for sure, but sometimes time is not of the essence if grace is to do its work completely.

God just never seems to be in a rush, you know?

DESERVING VS. WORTHY

In his book, "Shame and Grace," Lewis B. Smedes makes an important distinction between deserving grace and being worthy of grace. In essence, as people, we are not deserving of grace. Nothing we can do can earn us God's grace. However, as people, we are worthy of grace. Who we are as His children gives us the worthiness to receive His grace.

I'm still grappling with this idea.

It makes sense when I look at my reaction when I think of an abandoned baby. The injustice I feel toward the situation would insist that the baby deserves a chance at life. What makes this baby deserving though? What has she done to earn it? Perhaps then, this baby isn't deserving of life as much as she is worthy of one. For she is inherently a reflection of the worthiness of her Creator.

Somehow though, I find it so difficult to see that same worthiness in me. Why? I don't know yet.

TAKE THAT, YOU LOSER!

Taken from my journal this morning.

I am taunted by the accuser, "Don't you care that the world is lost and dying?" He tries to heap shame on me.

Honestly, even though I care, or at least I want to care, I do not have the strength to do anything about it right now.

"Do you think God is pleased with your defeatist attitude? Hmmm?"

Well, actually, His pleasure in me is not dependent on whether I can help Him save the world - because even if I was at 100% energy, I still couldn't save the world. That's God's task. And you know what? God cares just as much about saving the lost as He does about healing my soul. It's not like He only has just enough love to get me into His kingdom (although that in itself is amazing already). He continues to care. His love really has no limits.

Pause.

JESUS CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON!

So Satan, you have nothing more to say. I am free from condemnation. God is for me. So there!

Thank You, Jesus. =)

IT'S PERFECT

There are three P's that keep coming up these days: Performance, People-pleasing and Perfectionism. All three are man's standards and not God's. They prevent people from living in the fullness of the freedom offered by the Gospel of grace. The thought has crossed my mind to do a series of posts on these three P's. But today, I will only write about one: Perfectionism.

My roommate here has a habit of looking at the things I do and exclaiming, "It's perfect!" Whether it be walnuts I've chopped for her banana bread, some dish I experimentally served for dinner or a picture I helped her hang on the wall, her most frequent response is that it's perfect. Every time she says that, I silently feel my insides cringe. My mind rattles off an itemized list for why the object at hand is not perfect. I simply struggle to accept that something not up to my unrealistic standards can still be considered perfect.

Reading what God has to say about me, I realize that this applies in a broader sense to how I see myself. I can list a jillion reasons why I am not perfect, but amazingly, the Bible tells me that because of Christ, I am perfect. Hebrews 10:14 says, "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy." Wow. Not only am I counted as perfect. I'm counted perfect forever. I don't get this grace.

CONNECTION

This morning I was reading about Law, Legalism and Standards in Be Transformed. What pegged me was the part on standards and how I've been living my life according to many standards I've taken on over the years.

A breakthrough moment came though when I asked the Lord to show me where guilt has been a driving force in my life. He showed me that the inexplicable sense of connection I have every time I read the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman (the one where He writes in the sand while her accusers slink away and then He tells her He doesn't condemn her) is the sense of guilt and shame. That unnamed woman and I are sisters in a sense.

I think I'm so used to the guilt that I can't really see it anymore. I think I need help to see myself as God sees me: the light parts, the dark parts and all the shadows in between.

BROTHER

This morning, I was going through a chapter in Be Transformed on the topic of God as our Father. As I read the passages, the reality sunk in that Jesus’ death and resurrection not only saved us from eternity apart from God, it gave us the position of being adopted children of God. This means that in the Father’s eyes, I am His daughter just as much as Jesus is His Son. I am not a second-rate child. How God the Father sees Jesus is how He sees me. Usually, when I think of Jesus relationship with His Father, I don’t dare to hope that I could have the same closeness with God. But in light of this truth, I realize that the same intimate Father-child relationship Jesus exemplified while he walked the earth is available for me! It’s incredible to think that this is possible, let alone true. And it’s awesome to know that the Father is always at work, moving me toward that degree of intimacy with Him. I don’t have an earthly brother, but thinking about Jesus in this light gives me a new understanding of the family relationship.

THE BODY-MIND CONNECTION

As part of my action steps toward healing, I have been told to incorporate physical exercise into my life at least 4 times a week. I got a gym membership and while I love attending classes like kick-boxing and hip hop, I've discovered that I also really enjoy the elliptical machine. It's like running, but without the impact on my shins and knees. I asked an instructor here what the machine is called in the local language. Translation: outer-space machine. Rationale: it looks like you're running without gravity.

Anyway, so the last couple times, I've managed to run for 40 minutes at a pace of between 53-70 RPMs. Today, as I was running my heart out while listening to a Bruxy Cavey talk about compassion work in Africa, I noticed that in the next room, there were two overweight men working out with their personal trainers. My mind wandered from Africa and I looked around at the gym full of people. Most people I figure are there for their body's sake - they want to get physically fit. It was interesting to think that I was there more for my mind and my heart.

A good friend of mine reminded me yesterday that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That means that our body-mind-soul are intricately connected. So it's actually not strange that sweating it out is actually good for my soul. God knows what He's talking about. ;)

TAKE ME AS I AM

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

(Chorus)
I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say
I need You
That's all
I need You

"Take me as I am" - Nichole Nordeman

A friend asked me if I'm okay. I'm not. Is that okay?

----

I went to the beach today. It looked like how I felt. The waves were tumultuous and rough and the sand was all dug up, exposing the shells and garbage usually buried deep underneath the surface.

Here's a tangent: What other country renovates their beaches?!

CONTEXT

About a month and a half ago, I was given the assignment of typing up an article entitled Emotional Fatigue (email me if you’d like a copy). As I typed, I saw many of the patterns described present in my own life. It almost felt as if I was typing about myself!

The article addressed the tendency of many Christian workers to overwork themselves and find themselves totally depleted emotionally. At first, I thought I couldn’t possibly be a candidate for this, as I was only just starting my fourth year of ministry since graduating from university. I’m so young, I thought, there’s no way this could be my problem. Perhaps I was just tired from the last 12 months of transitions.

It wasn’t until I read about one example of a young woman who had started serving in high school, continued in university and found herself in trouble by the time she started full-time ministry that it hit me: Life needs to be looked at in context.

My context was that I have been actively involved in church leadership, school ministry and extracurricular activities on top of maintaining top grades for longer than I had given myself credit for. A combination of growing up in a church plant, wanting to prove my love for God and having a responsible and conscientious personality meant that I started participating in youth group committee at the ripe young age of 12. Calculating backwards, I had been essentially serving and living a high-paced, action-packed life with no significant pauses or breaks for 14 years!

I had been so used to looking only at the present and future of my life, I had neglected to step back and look at the greater context. Where I am now, I discovered, is greatly affected by where I came from. And where I am now will in turn affect where I will be.

ACCEPTED

The last few days, I have been soaking in the truth that I am accepted. I hadn’t realized that scriptures actually tell us that Christ accepts us. I had read Romans 15:7 before, “Therefore, accept one another just as Christ accepts you,” and I had always focused on the first part accept one another but I hadn’t let the truth of the main point of that verse sink in: Christ accepts you.

CHRIST ACCEPTS ME!

I have been thinking about how much impact that one truth has on my life. Because Jesus Christ – the King of kings and Lord of lords, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, the Highest and Holiest One – accepts me, I do not have to be ashamed. I can face my weaknesses without fear and I can delight in my strengths without embarrassment. Because Christ accepts me, I do not have to hide anything or impress anyone. I do not have to be ashamed.

SHAME AND GRACE

One of my first realizations in this renovation process has been that I have lived much of my life with a sense of shame. My roommate lent me a book, “Shame and Grace” by Lewis B. Smedes. The author defines shame as a sense of feeling bad about who you are (as opposed to guilt, which is feeling bad about something you do). I’m not sure what is at the root of my shame yet, but I know that the feeling of “I’m not good enough” is all too familiar.

WHY RENOVATE?

The Bible advises us to build our lives on a solid foundation, not on sand. As I’ve grown more and more tired – to the point of perpetually feeling exhausted and showing symptoms of depression – I’ve had to ask myself “Why?” How did I get to this point? As I’ve asked the Lord to show me, He’s revealed to me that my foundations are on shifting sands. I have based my life such things as performance and perfection. I have been invisibly motivated by fear. The lies I’ve been building my life upon need to be replaced by His truth. And the only way to re-build properly is to remove the old faulty foundations so that the new can be fixed in place. This is God’s grace on my life and although it’s a messy and uncomfortable process, I am grateful that He cares so much that He would build my life well.