HOW DO YOU MEASURE A YEAR?

Today marks day Three Hundred and Sixty Six since I landed back in Canada. It would have been 365 but 2008 was a leap year, so it's 366 days!

Thinking back over this past year, one word that has surfaced is: Clarity. It's a bit surprising to me as I recount the various ways God has brought clarity to my life over the last 12 months. It's the same type of clarity one would get from an extended time of fasting. Interestingly, not once this whole year have I fasted from food. No, I suspect that for me, the clarity has come about as I have fasted from work.

This past year, God has given me clarity in terms of my relationship with Tim: we are now married (haha... how much clearer could that get?!). And I know now where I am to live and sink my roots: Vancouver. God has clarified my future life direction: bringing healing to people through the arts. And He has given me a next step in ministry: working one day a week as part of a creative resourcing team for the campuses.

To be honest, a year ago I was in so much despair I could never have dreamed that so much could change in a year. But it has. And God deserves all the credit.

GOD IN THE DARKNESS

Yesterday, I was re-reading the 10 Commandments (needed a refresher) and came across this very interesting verse at the end of Exodus chapter 20:

As the people stood in the distance, Moses entered into the deep darkness where God was. (v. 21)

Moses had to walk into the darkness alone. And in the darkness, he met God.

Most of the time, I associate God with light. But it's comforting to know that sometimes, God wants us to meet Him in the darkness.

RECURRING THEME: WORTHINESS

It's interesting that what God initially used burn-out to surface in me, He is now using relocation to surface again. I have been feeling out of place in Vancouver, missing the familiarity of Toronto and strangely also missing the familiarity of Asia. As I search my heart, I discover that part of what I'm missing is the feeling of security that comes from knowing that people know my history and accomplishments. For some reason, I feel like because people don't know me here, I need to somehow prove to them that I am worth being friends with. That I am trustworthy and worth getting to know.

What I need to choose to believe, however, is that I am already valuable - regardless of how people think of me, or what I think they think of me. I'm challenged to ask myself where I'm looking for my significance. And the comforting truth is one I learned not so long ago: my significance comes from the One who created me.

A NEW WAY OF JOURNALLING

A friend of mine shared this idea with me that I thought was very interesting. She said someone suggested to her to start journalling with her non-dominant hand. That forces the writer to slow his/her thoughts down and engage the other side of the brain. For those of us who have a tendency to rush through life, this would be a good one. I haven't tried it yet but my friend said it was quite a helpful exercise for her.

I'M A SURVIVOR

I survived my wedding.

It was a whirlwind weekend of people, smiles, chatter, flights and photos galore. And even though it was over three weeks ago, I'm still feeling like I'm just recovering from it. I had been worried about how I would fare under all the pressure and I'm glad to say I emerged victorious. I did not die!

I did have a breakdown on the Saturday night at our family and close friends' dinner where I felt myself unravelling at an alarming rate and we had to excuse ourselves early. In the moment, all I felt was panic and fear because I really thought I was losing control of myself. In retrospect, I've learned that that's what happens when I reach my limit.

Thinking about that night, I feel a sense of shame for not being stronger. I had only lasted until 8:30pm on my own wedding night. But then I think, if I'm going to max out, it might as well be on my wedding day. And I also come to the sobering thought that if I my wedding had been a year ago, I might not have even made it to the 1:00pm ceremony, much less attend the dinner.

Talking with a friend this morning, I rediscovered just what a long way I've come in a year. Now that the big stressful event is over, I have great hope for more progress on the road of recovery.

MUSING

A recent discovery of mine has been the exercise of musing: thinking and dreaming about the future without any pressure to make decisions.

I had been reluctant to start thinking about returning to work - or even entertaining the thought of possible work options - and I had asked my counselor if he had any suggestions. That's when he suggested the activity of musing.

Tim and I took some time out one lovely Saturday afternoon and found ourselves a quiet comfy place overlooking a park and experimented with musing. We discovered, to our delight, that it was an energizing endeavour and we emerged from it quite excited about the future and the possibilities that lie before us. I think it was especially uplifting for me because it allowed me to think about my strengths and affirmed my sense of value as I thought about my strengths.

One of the effects of burnout is that one's sense of self-worth is depleted. So one of the steps in recovery is a re-building of the sense of self-worth. And I definitely think that by grace, I am on the upswing.

WHEN, LORD?

Labour Day weekend is coming up. I'd been instructed not to think about work possibilities until that weekend. Now that it's a few days away, I'm wondering if I'm ready to head into that realm yet.

I don't know.

I'm still tired.

And I'm tired of being tired.

I want life to move on, but part of me doesn't. I wonder if I should resume working when I feel like I haven't really learned how to rest?

So the question is: When, Lord?

And the prayer is: Wisdom, please.

TWO STEPS FORWARD...

I'm having another moment when I wonder whether I'll ever come out of this valley. I slept 11 hours last night and I can't decide what to have for lunch.

This feeling will pass, I know.

Some significant milestones for me these last couple weeks have been:

• I drove 5 minutes to the supermarket (and back).
• I drove 20 minutes to my friend's house (and back).
• I took the bus by myself for a grocery run
  
• I was able to talk about my time of ministry in Asia without feeling panic or resistance
• I made an amazing lamb dinner that caused Tim to slap the table because it tasted so good =p

Good signs. But I really wonder if "normal" will ever happen.

AN OLD FRIEND

Yesterday, I woke up to discover an old friend of mine was back in town. For the first time in a very long time, I actually started off feeling a sense of joy and hope toward the rest of my day. I think this is a significant development. Yay!

SLOW

Postings have been slow as of late. It's been hard for me to sit down and think when I've had so much to clean and so many boxes to unpack. I think moving has taken a lot out of me.

I do however still feel like I'm walking the road of recovery. It's tempting to try and "take my temperature" every day, checking on whether I've progressed or not. But once in a while, when I actually look back and compare myself to where I was at half a year ago, three months ago, or even a month ago, I feel a sense of relief - because I know I'm actually getting better.

This past week for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I actually cared for those around the world who don't know Jesus. It was just a moment, like a flicker of a long-lost spark. And I've actually felt excited to meet my new neighbours here.

I still feel like I'm treading water when it comes to taking care of myself. Deciding what to eat is one of the biggest challenges of my day. Deciding what to do comes a close second. Sometimes I wonder how I'll ever feel competent enough to take care of a family. But I need to trust that the grace I need will be there when the time comes.

LET'S WAIT TILL THE WATER RUNS DRY

Reading 1 Kings 17 today, I found it very interesting that God brought Elijah to the live off of a brook and waited until the brook was dry before telling Elijah to move on to Zarepath. And even more fascinating was that Elijah stayed at the drying brook until he heard God telling him to go elsewhere. If I were him, I don't know that I would be calm about watching my sole source of water dry up day after day before my very eyes. Would I still be able to trust that God remembers me?

In a sense, I feel like God is allowing (or even waiting for) my brook to run dry before He tells me where to go next. It's like I'm watching all that is familiar evaporate so that the bedrock is exposed and I have nothing left but God to cling to for sustenance. Only then will He give me His new word of direction.

So in a way, even though I felt burnt out half a year ago, that was really only the beginning to the process of God drying out my brook so that He could direct me to new places (which, if you read Elijah's story, is a widow's home where a miracle happens every day.)

RESILIENCE

Today was my eighth and last appointment with my counselor in Toronto. It's been a very valuable experience, meeting with him. I've been encouraged (often affirmed that I'm normal), learned a lot and gained new insights and perspectives into the burnout recovery process.

One of the marks of a fully recovered person is a rebuilt "resilience." By that, it means that the person is capable of handling the stresses of life again because they have integrated enough life-giving elements into their lifestyle. I'm not there yet, but one of the ways I'm getting there is I'm exploring more of who God has made me to be so that my next job or ministry role will be more in line with my strengths.

My counselor gave me a list of books to explore on this topic and he also gave me a book to start with. It's called "Don't Waste Your Talent" by Bob McDonald and Don E. Hutcheson. I'm really excited to start reading it.

I once came across a definition of burnout as when a forest has been gutted by a fire. I feel like that's what has happened to me. Through this time, God has burned away everything that I thought was true about myself. And now I can see and examine the new growth poking out from among the ashes. Praise God!

On a side note, whenever I hear the word "resilience," I will always think of this exchange I had with a friend while we were in Italy:

Me: Wow, these pigeons are resilient!
Friend: Really? How do you know?
Me: Look at them, people are throwing stuff at them and kicking at them and they still stay there.
Friend: So?
Me: So they're resilient!
Friend: Oh! Resilient!! I thought you said the pigeons were Brazilian!!!

CONSIDER IT DONE

Christ said, "Let us go to the other side" - not to the middle of the lake to be drowned.
~Dan Crawford

This thought is very comforting to me. It's because Christ was fully intending to bring his disciples to the other side of the lake that he could sleep while the storm was raging and the waves rose higher and higher. His disciples had not taken him for his word, and so they panicked.

Today marks exactly 6 months since I came home to rest. And half a year later, I don't feel like too much progress has been made. But I know that even though I may feel like I'm still stuck in the middle of the lake, God's invitation to me was to go to the other side. So I can take His word in faith and stop despairing. Because He always finishes what He starts.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance, I've come to learn, is one of the keys to resting. When I do not accept certain things about myself or my circumstances (or others), it is impossible for me to be at rest. Because then I am constantly striving or wishing for something different than what is. Acceptance is the humility to acknowlege that the circumstances are the best because God has ordered them to be so; and that I am exactly who I need to be for this moment. Change comes only from God. So acceptance means relinquishing my desire for control and allowing Him to take full responsibility for my life. As I do that, I am effectively hiding myself in His will - and in that sacred place, I find rest.

I'M JEALOUS OF THE MAPLE TREES

Yep, after 3 months hiatus, I'm back. :) And I just want to say, watching these maple trees in our yard go from bare branches to full foliage in a matter of weeks makes me just a teensy bit jealous. I wish I could grow that fast.

I've been home for just over five months now and I still feel like my branches are bare. Oh there are days when I feel like there's almost some budding happening. But most days, it's still a struggle to keep hoping and tell myself despair is only a feeling and not to base my understanding of life on it.

I made a comment about the trees to my mom the other day and her reply encouraged me. She said that they have to grow their leaves quickly because summer is such a short season here. In my case, however, God willing, I still have quite some time ahead of me before my "summer" is over. Here's the redeeming truth: He makes all things beautiful in His time.

PLEASE EXCUSE THE SCAFFOLDING

I have some sad news: scaffolding is being put up around this construction project and your view will be obstructed for a time. God is taking me to sacred, deep and personal places I don't know about and He's requested that I press pause on the publishing for now. So, my fellow journeyers, thanks for watching the renovation process with me to this point. If you remember, please pray for me as God leads. I am confident what comes out of this will be even better - for all of us.

(For a further explanation of this decision, please click on the link on the right to visit my other blog. Thanks!)

DETOX FOR THE SOUL

If bodily organs could have awards, the "multi-tasker" award would go to the liver. Not only is it the production site for blood, it acts as a filter for impurities (such as alcohol) and it generates bile (which is necessary for digestion). It probably has other uses as well but I'm no biology major so we'll leave it at that.

A couple days ago, I finished a 3-week detox diet. Basically, I ate foods that would be easily absorbed so that my system - and my liver in particular - would have a lighter load and toxins would have the opportunity to be released.

In a way, I see this time of rest for me as a "detox" for my soul. God has placed me in an environment where my usual pressures and stresses are lessened and there's time and space for the "toxins" in my soul to be released.

I've heard it said before that Christ's kingdom exists not just in the realm of thought and spirit but of the body (Christ himself was the Word become flesh). I think it's so true. We can learn much from observing the physical world God has made.

THE 3 R'S

Sometime in the 90's (or was it late 80's?), I remember being taught the slogan at school. This was also around the time each home got a recycling bin. It was drilled into our heads that in order to save the environment, we had to "Reduce, Re-use and Recycle."

This past week, I learned another 3 R's. These three have to do with the post-burnout process.

• Rest
• Recovery
• Renewal

According to my counselor (who is really a God-send and has been doing this type of thing for over 30 years), a healthy way of looking at time for someone coming out of burn-out is to split the year into 3 month chunks of time (eg, first 3 months is just resting and the next 3 months can start into recovery). He also said it usually takes a person 2 years before they are completely symptom free and ready to take on a full load again.

Burnout is relatively simple to treat, he told me at the end of our first session, it just requires a lot of patience from the person going through it. No kidding! I'm only 2 months into this and I'm already feeling antsy. Lord, have mercy! ;)

IRONY

Patience grows only in the garden of waiting.

THE SECOND SERVANT

I've always wanted to be the servant who at the end of the day comes before her master and hears Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" As I understood it (and maybe was even taught this), the way to accomplish that was to work real hard and multiply what my Master entrusted me with.

Yesterday, I sat down and re-read the parable from Matthew 25. I suspected that my interpretation of the story previously had been skewed by a false perception of a performance based God and I wanted to read it with fresh eyes.

Here's what I think that Jesus' point of telling this story is: What God desires from us is faithfulness, not productivity.

If the Master's goal had been productivity, the second servant would not have been commended. I mean, what he had to offer in the end was not even half of what the first guy started with! If the master had wanted productivity, I could imagine the second guy thinking to himself, "What? The master only gave me 2 bags of silver? I'll show the master what I can really do!" And then going out, working really hard and coming back with 5 bags of silver but being all worn out and bitter at the master.

That's not our God though. Ours is a God who commends His servants for being faithful with what He allots them.

What then has God entrusted me with? And how faithful am I being with it?

HCK-TOO!

I came across two stories of Jesus that I hadn't really paid attention to before. In Mark chapter 7 and chapter 8, Jesus is recorded as healing two people, one deaf and mute and the other blind, by first touching them with His spit. I haven't found much on these two instances in the way of commentaries, but here's what I can glean about Christ's peculiar actions.

Both times, Mark says that people brought these men to Jesus so that he could touch them and heal them. And both times, Jesus leads them away from the crowd or outside the city (presumably also away from the crowd) before He heals them. By spitting on them, Jesus demonstrates that God will heal however He wishes to. We cannot tell God what to do. The healing work of God is both unpredictable and intensely personal.

What I also find interesting is that to be spit upon is normally a cultural symbol of degradation. Jesus Himself was spit upon when He was mocked before His crucifixion. That Jesus used spit to heal these men speaks to me of His redemptive power. He can take what is scorned and make it a beautiful thing.

I shudder to imagine being the blind man though... to hear the noise of Jesus spitting and then feeling the slimy wetness on my eyes?! Blech. But then again, discomfort is a small price to pay to be able to see Jesus.

HE'S HEALING ME: ONE WOUND AT A TIME

The other night as I was drifting off to sleep, God brought a flashback to my mind of me getting frustrated at the piano as a child. And He showed me that the frustration was actually a form of anger that I was turning onto myself. When I woke up, I explored that further. Here's what I wrote in my journal:

As I think about it now, I imagine me sitting there in front of the piano, pounding the keys in anger and being yelled at for mistreating the piano. Out of guilt and fear (I didn't want to break such an expensive instrument), I stop pounding and I start yanking my hair and biting my hands as self punishment. The whole time I am crying uncontrollably. I feel dumb and worthless.

As I keep watching the scene, I see You come up to me, You take my hand and lead me away from the piano. You sit with me and cradle my hands in Yours.

What are you feeling? You ask.

Angry. I answer.

Why are you angry?

I can't do it. I can't make my fingers move the way they're supposed to. I can't play the music perfectly.

Do you feel like you can't live up to the expectation of what the composer has for this piece?

Yes. And I can't live up to the expectations of others.

What do you think I think of your piano playing?

I don't know. Disappointed?

No. I think it's beautiful music. It might not be what is written on the page, but it's your song, not someone else's. Olive, I don't expect you to be someone else. Your little mistakes and variations of tempo and loudness are not bad. They make the song yours. And even if others listening don't appreciate it, I do. You are giving it your best. And I treasure that.

So I can just play for you and you think it's beautiful?

Yep.

NOTHING MORE

He who has God plus many things has nothing more than he who has God alone.
- C.S. Lewis

She who has God plus complete emotional and physical health has nothing more than she who has God alone.

She who has God plus a fulfilling, impacting ministry has nothing more than she who has God alone.

She who has God plus a clear future plan has nothing more than she who has God alone.

She who has God plus [whatever I'm hanging my hopes on apart from Him] has nothing more than she who has God alone.

-------------------

Side note: Praise God! I got in touch with a potential counselor and have an appointment booked for next week. His specific focus is expat missionaries and he served in Taiwan before. I'm so relieved.

SIGN OF A STRENGTH

I've started to think a bit about what comes next for me in terms of ministry. One helpful idea I've come across is from an article called "Using Your Strengths to Become Stronger" in the Feb 2008 edition of the Harvard Business Review. Essentially a review of Marcus Buckingham's book Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance, the article includes the SIGN test to help you identify whether an activity is a strength.

• Success: Do you feel successful and effective as you perform the activity?
• Instincts: Do you feel effortlessly drawn to the activity?
• Growth: When you perform the activity, do you have the sense that your mind is advancing?
• Needs: Does the activity leave you feeling fulfilled?

For the past few years, I'm not sure I can say I've been operating in my strengths the majority of the time. So I'm grateful for this break where I can re-evaluate things and hopefully find a more life-giving fit for me.

I AM HIS JOY

I listened to a great talk the other day. It's called "The Joy of God" by David Arcos. I found it off the Mosaic podcast (Erwin McManus' church). Anyway, David Arcos made many good points in his super encouraging talk, but the one thing that stuck out at me the most was his explanation of Hebrews 12:2

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

David Arcos suggested that this joy that motivated Christ was His love for us people. You and me. Because Jesus delighted so much in us, it gave Him so much joy that He had the strength to endure the cross. We give Him that much joy. It's like saying,

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for [insert your name here] set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I'd always interpreted that verse to mean that Jesus was so looking forward to being reunited with the Father that He endured the cross. But I now realize that's a skewed perspective. As if the work of redemption was just a piece of dirty work that needed to get done, and then Jesus could enjoy Himself with His Father and the Holy Spirit forever. Those He would save were merely beneficiaries of His act of mercy and they'd just show up in heaven and join them one day. That's not His view of us though. He came out of love, not duty.

The Trinity is absolutely positively head-over-heels in love with US! We are His joy.

I am His joy.

Wow.

ROAD SIGNS

5 little signs of improvement in me these days (Yah!):

I actually answer the phone now.

I have slept through the night for 3 out of the last 5 nights. (The first time in a few months.)

I have moments of feeling bored. (heh heh)

I find myself thinking of random people and praying for them.

I'll initiate conversations with friends online, sometimes.

And 4 signs that tell me I'm not there yet:

I still don't trust myself to drive a car.

5 minutes of chit chat in a room full of people immediately depletes me.

Stomach pains. =(

I feel like I could nap all day every day.

A good friend asked me today what it would look like for me to be back to "normal." I've been thinking about that, actually. What if this low energy is to stay with me for the rest of my life? Or if I'll have sleeping problems from now on? What if I never recover from these stomach aches? Does that mean my life will be on hold indefinitely? I don't think so.

I think that I'll know I'm better when my heart and soul are healed. When I am less bound by what people think of me. When I am more secure in my identity in Christ. I have a feeling I might never make it to 100% on this side of eternity but my heart will know when it's time to take the next step and get moving again. I am confident that God will make it clear when the time comes. And His grace will be enough to cover what I still lack.

RESOLVING GOOD AND BAD

I picked up Hiding from Love by Dr. John Townsend again after letting it sit on my bookshelf for a long while. Came across this section tonight that shed a lot of light on my struggle with accepting both the good parts and the bad parts of myself.

We have a need to accept the bad parts of ourselves and the world. This need is important because it helps us bring our own badness to a place of forgiveness. Our imperfect characteristics need to be brought into connection with God and others. What we fail to keep in relationship stays unforgiven and broken.
Our "forgiveness muscle" can be injured in many ways:

A perfectionistic environment, or one in which failure is a cause for shame, can keep our goodness and badness split apart.

Relationships and families that overstress the "excellent" parts of people, at the expense of the "mediocre" parts, discourage us from accepting our imperfections and bringing them to Christ.

Over-positive environments that keep us from legitimate grief can also keep our badness hidden.

Idealistic denial is a characteristic of some families who keep their members stuck in a naive position.

Another section that I could identify with was one of the defensive behaviour styles called the "Self-attacking style" or "Turning against the self."

In this style of internal hiding from separateness, the aggression that can't be "owned" is redirected against the self. It becomes more acceptable to hate ouselves than to tell the truth about our rage at the sin of others against us.

In Christian circles, especially, the self-attacking style is often culturally rewarded. This is due to the fact that it's easy for people who are self-deprecating to be seen as spiritual, or under great conviction. The truth is, they are actually lying about their protest against injury.

It's also easy to mistake this hiding pattern as a defense. Since the hurting person seems to be openly dealing with his weakness, it appears that there is no concealment. At closer inspection, however, it's apparent that what the person is hiding is his actual separate, differentiated, justice-loving angry parts. [emphasis mine]

I had often wondered why I didn't often identify "anger" as an emotion in my life. I think I'm starting to see that it's been showing up in alternate ways. And I hope by God's grace, that I'll learn to bring those hidden parts out into the open and learn to tell the truth about myself.

I'm thankful I bought this book. It's proving to be a very helpful gem. =)

ARKY ARKY

I found someone who would understand and serves as a model for what it feels like to wait and wait and wait for the "go" from God.

He spent 12 and a half months (that's over a year!) stuck inside a big boat with his immediate family and a zoo of animals. The first 40 days were relatively eventful with storms raging on outside and needing to adjust to the close quarters and getting over seasickness. The next 4 months probably felt like they were settling into a routine as they drifted around and got familiar with the animals (although I think they were probably feeling a little claustrophobic by then). Then, one day, they suddenly felt a jolt. Their boat hit a rock and they'd stopped moving! A glimmer of hope.

But now the real waiting started. It took another 7 and a half months before the ground was dry. I suspect Noah and everyone else were more than eager to get out of there. Day after day after day, all they could do was stay put and wait for God to do His work of drying up the water. They couldn't hurry it up even if they tried. No wonder he sent both a raven and a dove to check on the progress.

To Noah's credit, even when he saw that it was dry enough to leave, he didn't move until he heard the word from God. Here was a man whose patience was grown out of trial.

Reflecting on Noah's experience, I am encouraged. Akin to him, I feel grateful for being spared from the destruction of the flood. But I have to admit I feel restless on the boat. I'm waiting for the water to dry - and I can't make it dry any quicker! Hopefully, by God's grace, I will learn from his example though and wait for the "go" from the Lord before I try to get out of the boat - even if the circumstances seem to be right.

Of course, I'm also extremely grateful I'm not living in a boat full of animals. =)

NO NEED TO EXPLAIN

In a conversation with Tim last week, he mentioned something about not needing to seek approval from people or defend his choices. I realized at that moment that somehow, God has released me from just that. I no longer feel like I need to explain myself to people when I know what God is asking of me. The magnitude of that chain being broken is huge for me.

Although that's a victory that I celebrate, I'm sobered by the knowledge that I'm not completely free yet. Deep down, I still seek the approval of God. There's something in me that does not accept His full acceptance of me. So I continue to strive.

More and more, my prayer is for grace. I need His grace to help me accept that I'm acceptable and even more, that I'm accepted.

BELIEVING GRACE

I came across this list of contrasts in The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll. The list is from Dr. Earl Heslin.

SHAME BASED SPIRITUALITY	HEALTHY SPRITUALITY
1. Having problems is sin.	1. Problems are a part of my human condition. I can bring the to God and my fellow Christians.
2. Emotions are sinful.	2. Emotions are neither good nor bad. It's what I do with them. "Be angry and sin not."
3. Compulsive disease is sinful.	3. There is a difference between disease and sinful behaviour.
4. Having fun is sinful.	4. There are many different ways to delight in God's goodness.
5. Spirituality = Perfection.	5. Living within grace not legalism.
6. Sexuality = Sin.	6. Sexuality is a part of who we are as people and is to be enjoyed.
7. Success (or its lack) is sinful.	7. Prosperity or poverty is not due to deficient spirituality.
8. Becoming a Christian fixes everything within me.	8. Accepting Christ in my life enables and empowers me to face issues.
9. If I am not healed it is due to my lack of faith.	9. Having illness is not a sin. I can avail myself of the best treatment possible.
10. Not being able to think of a clever 10th item may mean I'm not being led by God	10. God probably likes the number 9 just as well.

THE GRACE KILLERS

Recently, I read in The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll, that there are two human tendencies that keep us from being grace-filled people. If I am a grace-filled person, I can accept myself as I am and I can also accept other people for who they are. The two tendencies that keep me from being grace-filled are: 1. comparison and 2. control.

Comparing myself with others keeps me from accepting myself as I am. As I compare, I am drawn to think and perhaps even believe that I am not good enough, or that I am better than others.

Attempting to control others keeps me from accepting others as they are. If I'm always thinking that they should be doing such and such or acting a certain way, I am not giving them the grace to be who they are.

In a way, I think that being grace-filled is a sign of emotional maturity. An emotionally mature person is sure enough of themselves that they are able to give others (and themselves) the freedom to be just as they are.

Being grace-filled is also a sign of a spiritually mature person. Because when someone truly believes that God is in control and has a handle on each person's journey, there is no need to compare and no need to control. God will take care of both my own growth and the growth of others.

I don't think I'm there yet, but that's what I want to be.

CURRENT STATUS: RUT

It's been a while since I updated.

I guess I feel like I've been in a rut this past month. Physically, I haven't made much progress in terms of sleeping better or getting my digestive system into order. Emotionally, I'm feeling a bit more stable, but I still struggle to have much energy to connect with people. Spiritually, I really don't know. I wrote in my journal yesterday that I feel like my soul is in a coma. I'm still reading the Word but it's not sticking. I'm listening to talks and reading books but it's only filling up my head. There's a disconnect somewhere and don't know what solution it is that I'm waiting for.

I had lunch with a childhood friend today and we had a great time talking and laughing. She reminded me that I need to make sure to have fun. Right. I forget that word exists. How sad! We also talked about all the evidence we have that God loves us and people around us love us. And I came to a place again where I had trouble believing it. I thought I had resolved that already...

How long will this last? Only God knows. I can only remind myself that my hope is in Him alone and not in getting better.

FAINEANT

faineant \fay-nay-AWN\, [from dictionary.com]
adjective:
1. Doing nothing or given to doing nothing; idle; lazy.
noun:
1. A do-nothing; an idle fellow; a sluggard.

As much as I want to do nothing during this time of rest, I must say, I'm still a very ambitious nothing-doer. Definitely not faineant. Along with three other books, I started reading David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, my mom and I have been cooking up lots of yummy things, my mind remains full of ideas for blogging and sleep occupies almost half of my 24 hours each day. On top of that, I still want to break out my paints (I found a once-a-week watercolour class nearby), put a puzzle together and hang out with my closest friends. It's like I don't have enough hours in a day to have all the fun I want. ;)

A friend of mine who similarly struggles in this area of doing nothing sent me this passage recently. I think it's great perspective. It's by John Piper speaking about Philippians:

Held by Him, Reaching for Him Together

Then in verse 12, Paul gives one of my favorite statements in all the Bible, because it helps me put the fight of faith in the context of absolute assurance. He says: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” I don’t coast. I don’t drift. Christ is too precious for that. I press on. I strive. I reach. I long. I ache. I yearn to obtain the fullness and perfection of the presence of Jesus. Why? Because I don’t know if I am his? No. Because he has already made me his own. I reach for him because I am held by him. I press into him because he has enclosed me with unbreakable bands of love. This is what it means to treasure Christ together. And we help each other press on in this way—with this assurance.

How magnificently freeing!